Andy-no need to move it -I found it and read it. It was a big help, and how did Lily know My rollar coaster gears are starting to creak today?? It's just the distancing thing they do and I don't quite know how to handle that right now or what to think of it when he does it. Of course I catastrifize, and think that he is missing her, or he is thinking of her, or has had contact with her. The gears are creaking!!! I hear its normal, but its not normal for me! I don't like it and if I bring it up that he seems distant he does one of two things-denies he feels distant, or gets defensive, so I said nothing just cuddled up by him which normally used to would have made him want sex, and THAT didn't happen so I'm reallly thinging now something is going through his head. I hate that they do thais to us and we don't have a clue as to what is going on. CHances are though is has SOMETHING to do with the A or OW to some degree, but who knows? DO they really have to go through all this crap??? OR should I say do we really have toi go through all this crap? I mean he's back-tells me he loves me daily , so what is this about??? Sorry I sound so whiney,but my, I do get tired of this, and my hunch is I have a ways to go before these little episodes are over. Rachael M.
I am so pleased for you. The note your W left you was very heart-felt. And you know that when the intent is there, sooner or later the action will follow. It may be slow in the beginning; but, hey, at this point who cares, huh?
One thing I've discovered ( and my libedo was very low for a long time) that the more we had sex the more I wanted it. It's gotten to the point where even if I'm not totally "turned on" I still find myself looking forward each night (lots of mornings now, too) to the intimate contact with my H, which inevitably leads to being "turned on." Gets to be almost like a habit. Not very romantic, I'll agree, but not a bad habit to have.
Well, my friend, it certainly sounds like all your hard work is beginning to pay off. I'm so very, very happy for you.
Hi Andy, What a lovely note you got! Had a talk with my H last night that was reassuring that he's not fooling around. It's probably been at least 3 months since we had a talk like that. Hope it helps in the long run. He still has this idea that paying attention to my needs even the easy ones means that he can't be himself. Oh well. I got things to do people to see life to live.
I'm doing some research on a house today. Hope we can make this work out!!! I think it would help us both to feel settled and sure would be nice to have my time back!
Sounds to me like you all are headed to the easy peaceful feelings (hear the music?). Hope they come to us all as we stand here on the ground.
I really appreciate your support lately. I'm sorry I haven't posted on your threads very much lately. I've been thinking of you, and I've been thinking of things to post, but everything's moving so fast right now that by the time I collect my thoughts, they're obsolete!
Andy-has your wife ever diliberately tried to pick a fight with you and then turn it around so tht you look like the bad guy? My H is the Master of that. We were in the Dr.s office and he just looked at me and said What are you taking? I said what do you mean-he said your speech is all slurred. Well, It most assuradly was NOT and I had taken less medication than normal and I was talking fine. Then when we left HE had to go deliver some windows to a jop and hlaf heartedly asked if I wanted to go and I said do you want me to go? He said It doesn't matter, I don't care either way. WEll, That hurt my feelings so of course I didn't want to go then. We talked a little about it before he left and it was right back to the I can't talk to you crap, which I was perfectly calm trying to figure out what was wrong with him. I told him he hurt my feelings and he could have cared less-he was mad at me and turned it around like it was all my doing. I was so upset I was shaking all over. I called him in his truck later and we talked and of course I tried to smooth things over but he still acted mad. I'm noticing a pattern it seems if its not my imagination that he gets this way every week either on tuesday or wednesday. It really makes me wonder if he's talking to her and then is just nasty because she has fed him a bunch of crap, and it gives him and out of being with me sexually if he's been with her. I'm pulling at straws here I know but its just too wierd. What could it be? Why do they act like that for no reason, and then act totally insensitive to you no matter how your hurting? It really makes me crazy and I can't stand the controversy so I'll try to make up when he gets home and he'll be all distancing and say I 'm trying to control him with sex or make light of what happened. My speech was not slurred!!! HE thinks he's never wrong. He could have just said sorry, I though I heard it that way,but no he has to get all nasty and defensive. I don't know what to do when this happens and it really sets me back , and makes me think he's talking to her. I hope that's not the case. I told him he told me the other day that when I asked h im if he was happy he said yes, I asked him if he meant it. He said sometimes I am and soemtimes I'm not-just making no sense. I can't stand this-really it gets to me something bad. Do you ever experience this? Should I be concerned that it is becasue he could be talking to the OW?? Tell me what you think because I'm at a loss. Rachael M.
It's not OW, Rachael. And, it's not him. Nor is it you.
It's a pattern of thinking that you and your H got into.
Happiness comes from within. Your H isn't responsible for your happiness, but you're trying to pin it on him.
That's what he thinks. It's in all the self-help books, isn't it? Everyone knows it.
Well, IMHO that way of thinking is a vast oversimplification. But I think that's your H's mindset.
He's not trying to start arguments. He's just trying to be happy by himself, and expecting you to do the same.
You and he have gotten into such an adversarial position that it's hard to get out of. He probably doesn't recognize it, and the worst thing you can do is to point it out to him, but all of this is pure posturing. In fact, I think you're doing a little posturing yourself without even knowing it.
It's a game, and a krappy one.
It's a game that W and I played over and over again.
You've read my recent turn of events. Two years of posturing before we could both let go of the game.
My W once noted that, "It's been a long time since either of us engaged in emotional blackmail." That was her way of saying that we used to use this sort of posturing to get our respective ways.
Your H accuses you of using sex to control him. That's emotional blackmail, isn't it? And he's refusing to let you blackmail him.
The only way I found to get out of this was to refuse to play the game. I stopped anything that could be construed as emotional blackmail. If I felt neglected, I vented on the boards, but to the best of my abilities, I kept it hidden from W.
You want a R based on mutual support. He wants a R based on mutual respect. You're both right, but you're both misinterpreting each others actions based on your own needs.
I'm convinced that this is what happened to me, and it looks soooooooo much like you're going through the same thing.
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