Bridget-Glad we could be some kind of inspiration to you. You are in a good place if you can visualize that BIG RED STOP sign when you start to obsess. It's a toughy for me, but I've learned it's essential for my state of mind and well being. Now, can I always do it-not on your life,BUT, I'm getting better at it. I can't take all the credit. My sitch. is improving so that helps, and when I obsess or freak out I come here and these wonderful people who have been doing this far longer than me try to literally knock me back into some kind of sane balance. None of its easy for any of us. DB'ing does work, but every sitch is differant and like Andy says what works is sometime a moving target. Sometimes you may not think what your doing is working. Sometimes it does work. Soemtimes NOTHING seems to work and you just have to do nothing for a while and THAT works. It doesn't matter if it works one day and not the next. The idea is to figure it out at that particulat time and if its not-stop-if it is -continue. If your not sure-proceed with extreme caution. Andy..you sound so much more positive in your sitch!!! I'm so happy for you. Your W is REALIZING the needs you have and TRYING to figure out what to do about it. I can tell you as someone who lost her libido-it's tough. Our sits. were the same as I saw my H as putting that first and foremost(not that you do that) and I thought everything was all about his need for intimacy (SEX) which I had no desire for and saw him as making that the barometer for our R. I definately think you are alot more compassionate than he was about it though. IF and WHEN she ever wants to talk about it, let me tell you what I know. It could be a hormonal thing. Her GYN can prescibe some testosterone cream which works WONDERS for some women, inluding myself. ALso, I'm not sure if she's on an Antidepressant, but some of them are TOTAL libido KILLERS. And I mean TOTAL. Prozac was that way for me. They have some now that don't have that side effect and are just as effective such as the one I'm on called Remeron. Good stuff. ANd...if she's not on anything and is depressed but very good at hiding it from you and herself, that also is a TOTAL libido killer. Just because she has a few good days does not mean she is not depressed. Then there's just the plain old wev'e been married for ever and we're not connecting emotioanally, and if I can't connect that way then I can't connect in any other way. This is where I think YOU do most of your experimenting. Trying to connect with her at some level and sometimes she is receptive and sometimes not. The moving Target thing. The most valuble lesson I have learned in all I have been through is HOW I say things to my H. I cannot emphasize that enough. Its the HOW. They percieve so much of what we say to them as being negative when that of course is the exact opposite of what we are trying to come across as. They get defensive right away. I don't do it often any more but when I do it shuts communiction down quicker than a NEW YORK minute and makes him angry to boot. When we have been in a good place to talk I somtimes ask him HOW he likes me to say things to him. Usually he wants me to DO the very thing I am asking him to do. He says "why do you ask me to do it if your unwilling to do it-Example. I used to ask him why he never took my hand in the car anymore. BIG MISTAKE.(never was a bad choice of words too) Now, I will take his hand and say I love holding your hand in the car, or simply just take his hand and say nothing. Now, 90% of the time he takes my hand in the car. It he doesn't then I take his. Just a small example, but it works on the bigger stuff too. So HOW we present things is VERY important-keep it on US rather than putting it on them, and sometimes just shut up and do what you want them to do. Just an observatin that took me for about forever to learn. Rachael M.
