I'm jumping in with a "wow!" for this thread. I found it this morning while surfing the board for success stories.
I'm looking for one of those ropes people throw you to help you get in the boat when you're in the water. Found it on your thread, ANS.
I especially love the discussion about freaking out. I would rather NOT focus on the negative -- like Michele's golf coach says, it's NOT helpful to re-hash what's wrong.
But heck, we're human -- and we're gonna flip out and worry once in a while.
Then keep swinging.
You guys are great coaches: Rachel, JJ, ANS, Phoenix and everyone writing back and forth here.
Sometimes I use the board to try out PMA -- and boy, it really lifts me up when I edit out the "bugs" and post the signs of improvement going on for me (I'm taking classes, I'm seeing friends, I'm spending money on myself; my H and I are dating and laughing and having intimate moments on a regular basis).
But sometimes I have to yelp in pain, and I'm known to whine dramatically sometimes, too.
What's cool is that no matter what I post, someone will acknowledge me. You know, the first sign to me that my marriage disappeared (even before my H left home) was that I was no longer being acknowledged for what I thought or felt.
So the board provides life support -- a breathing tube -- oxygen -- in the form of connecting me to people who listen. I may not always like what they say. Hey, I had a lot of trouble hearing Michele when I first read her books. It takes a while to wrap your mind around solution-oriented thinking when you are "abandoned" or "neglected" or "right."
I was certainly all the above (my H started an adult website with a buddy, spent all his time with his new collection of luscious young babes, stopped householding, trips to Vegas, lavish spending on himself, then chased real chicks around town...) when I picked up DR, and I had to hide this "unfemist" book from everyone I knew.
But everyone I knew didn't have any intention of helping me recover my marriage. They didn't have any idea it could even be done. They didn't offer suggestions. HARD as it is, HARD HARD HARD, DB-ing works!
After a winter and spring of HARD db-ing, ups and downs and ups, recording my solution-oriented actions, recording the little signs that things were turning toward the sun, I'm at a place where I believe my R is returning to me. My H is like a boyfriend again. He spends all his time at "my" (our) house, he plays songs on his guitar for me, he isn't mad at me anymore.
I definitely FREAK OUT when I find he still corresponds by email with the OW (luscious but a twit). Why is he writing her? What is he saying? Are they still seeing each other? I'm suspicious and fearful whenever my H shaves and dresses up when he leaves the house. Where is he off to? Is he just using me? Did his porno buddy advise him to "be nice to the wife and she'll get off your back?" Is that why he brought me flowers?
That kind of thinking, though, makes me CRAZY! It makes me JEALOUS. It wakes up a MONSTER in me. I have to discipline myself to STOP.
STOP STOP STOP. You can't control him. But you CAN control your mental activity. And I calm down.
You all always help me. For that I want to say thank you. You are swans, whether gracefully floating or making bronky noises and kicking your big fat feet around in the water.
Just a gratitude post to you all. I'm usually over at "midlife crisis" but today, guess what? I'm visiting a hopeful place.
