My frustrations aren’t so recent. They just build up until I have to vent here.
I’m still frustrated in ways, but Tuesday’s exchange with W alleviated a biggy.
We seemed to always be getting into a clash of “needs.” She wanted space, and I wanted intimacy and a sense that I was special and important to her.
I avoided pursuing, but she wanted me to “change.” The change she wanted was for me to want the same things as her. So, even if I gave her space, my wants/needs were left unfulfilled, and she knew it.
So whenever it came up, she would point out people who were “worse off” than me. She would tell me that happiness comes from within, and that if I wasn’t happy about OR, then it was my problem. She got defensive. According to her, I was trying to make a R issue out of everything.
So, if I expressed my desires, she’d tell me why I shouldn’t desire them. If I didn’t express them, then I was brooding, or mad at her, etc.
Well, Tuesday was our 19th anniversary. A time when I want intimacy and the feeling of being special more than ever. That evening, I got passionate, but held back. Not to put too fine a point on it, but I didn’t jump her bones.
The fact that she acknowledged my effort, and that I was patient with her, shows that she didn’t feel like she had to use her traditional posturing to protect herself. Instead, she showed me genuine sympathy for how I felt. Maybe even acknowledged that there was some legitimacy to my desires.
She still isn’t capable of responding to me, or my needs. But she’s trying in small ways. Yesterday, she approached me for a hug. It’s been a long time, and it was nice.
I don't know what's next. I'm still hoping that we can get closer. But it still has to be according to her schedule/agenda.
