I agree with you completely, Fille, that we cannot spend too much time freaking out. But something I’ve discovered about myself is that if I don’t do it sometimes, I stop sleeping, my hands start shaking, and I have an “inexplicable” feeling of malaise.
Though it makes me sound like a pretty sorry specimen, I have to say that as some aspects of my life get better, this happens less and less. My R problems are a large part of that, and things are improving a lot.
I can vent to W, or I can vent here. Sometimes (like 2 weeks ago), something positive comes out of venting to W. But I know all too well that doesn’t mean I should make a habit out of it.
Fille. I also understand what you mean about wrapping my brain about what’s being said instead of putting my own spin on things. I guess you’re asking me to look at things with a beginner’s mind. That’s something that we long-time DBers tend to forget. Thanks.
JJ:
I only had one C. It was during my depression. WRT my R, all he could say was that W wasn’t holding up her end of the R. Not very useful. He also told me to lower my expectations. Frankly, saying that to someone in a full-blown depression isn’t very helpful either. In any case, I agree with you that a C shouldn’t be telling you how to act or how to think.
But having said all of that, I have to say that, believe it or not, I have hard copies of a lot of the advice that was given to me on this BB. Yes, that includes JJ, Fille, Lily, Duchess, Tree… the list goes on.
So. Why oh why don’t I follow that advice?
Timing.
My gut tells me that right now is not the time to be proactive. Yes, I followed advice to have it out with W a coupla weeks ago, and I’m also following advice (and my gut feeling) to let W absorb it all.
One pattern I’ve noticed is that when I express my needs, W gives a knee-jerk reaction, followed (sometimes) by second thoughts. She never shares any change of her opinions, but she quietly starts accommodating me a little more.
You may say that I don’t express my needs in a way that she won’t give the knee-jerk reaction. Yes. That’s true sometimes, but I guess I’ve expressed myself so badly in the past that even if I use the right words, they’re taken in a bad way (initially).
But, y’know something? That’s changing too. Admittedly, tension ran high when I blew up. Of course it did. How could it not? But the next day we could talk it out, and the drop in tension was palpable.
So, right now, things are calm. No tension. Time to bide my time (turn turn turn).
