There is nothing wrong with telling your W that you cannot go on this way...that is honest communication. That is something MANY of us have had to do to rattle our spouses/SO cages. If you see a D looming if this behavior continues...IMPO that needs to be communicated to help set the concrete in the gravity of this situation. You might even try telling her that if things don't change (and give her specifics of what you mean by that..actionable things for her to do...don't be vague), then you can see the two of you living as strictly rommates (separate rooms etc) and that you know that you wouldn't be able to sustain a M that way, eventually it would lead to a D if that happened. BUT that you are trying so hard to avoid that, but you need her help to avoid it...that you can't do it by yourself.
Mind if I ask what your conversations are like when you do bring this issue up with her? Do you know what your W gets out of this M?
Oh and the stuff I mentioned you should do because YOU want to foster an EC/SC with your W. If you aren't speaking her love languages (albeit unintentionally)...she's not receiving the loving feelings from you (in her language) she needs to want to foster the EC with you and speak your languages in return.
You should do these things because YOU are the one looking for answers, you came here. This isn't a why should I....when she isn't doing? thing. You are here...you need to be the one to try the things you learn here.
FWIW...my H and I have been in MC for over 2 years....things are now much different than they were.
