Swan Dive off the Pedestal

[ANS]

Yeah, Lily. I remember.

I also remember posting to a lot of people that they shouldn't look for consistency in what others say.

Will we ride together, or was this just an aberration? Will she work on "her" issues, or are they simply non-issues (i.e.: my issues)?

I really don't know what's going on with her, and some things would be sooooooooooo nice to know. Y'know?

[RMC]

That's nice you went for a ride together! My H and I do that sometimes and it is fun. He wants to buy a Harley, so I imagine he will.
You are so right about some things would be sooo nice to know. I wonder-Am I kidding myself about my H having no contact with the OW after 2 1/2 yrs?? It seems to hard too beleive he could just cut it off like that. Plus, he gaurds his cell phone like Fort Knox! Maybe its just my imagination, but he never leaves his cell alone with me. I'm wondering what tht's all about.
I'm also wondering if I should ask to see his cell bill in our next C session?? If he has nothing to hide, why would he not want to reassure me? It would have all the numbers on it that he has talked to. It goes to his office so no chance of me getting ahold of it. He swears he's had no contact. He treats me kind and loving,but man it sure is hard to beleive he really does not talk to her anymore. Am I obsessing?????
Andy...wether your W is depressed or not, the effects on you are the same it would seem. It's hard to want to be effectionate to someone that does not want you-I should say it just plain hurts. I hope your S. improves soon. I'm sorry...you seem so well, hopeless right now, and that's a hard place to be. Hang in there kid, Rachael M.

[Jamesjohn]

ANS, my friend, methinks that thou focuses too much attention on thy relationship with thoust wife, and places not enough focus upon thyself!

It seems to me that you and your wife bounce back and forth on who needs to take care of whom. As nice as it sounds as to what a couple needs to do, and should do, it doesn't need to be that way. It doesn't seem to be working for you.

I had to have it hammered into my head many times by a couple of counselours, AND people on this board, that I needed to take care of myself first. I got nowhere, at least in my situation, until I took that advice to heart.

You guys seem to be stuck. What can you do that's different?

IMHO, with much love, JJ!

[Phoenix]

Hey Andy - pay attention to JJ. Don't give in to the urge to discuss and dismiss here (as you know you are prone to do when stretching boundries). No pain no gain. Not no pain...no pain.

JJ is a zenmaster of this stuff IMO. Of course, the fact I've said some of this to you periodically doesn't hurt either .

It wouldn't hurt anything anyway. I personally think it would help you immensely. Nitey nite folks - this chick's outta here.

[Jamesjohn]

quote:Originally posted by Phoenix:
[QB]JJ is a zenmaster of this stuff IMO. Of course, the fact I've said some of this to you periodically doesn't hurt either .
QB]

So, Phoe, I guess that makes you the "zenmistress"?!!

Andy, the things I write to you are directly from my personal experiences.

Every situation IS different, but there ARE a lot of similarities that run through them.

To reiterate something I said in a VERY, VERY intense family C session last night, and quoting some words from a VERY wise woman....

"More of what works, and less of what doesn't."

The real challenge is letting go of the things that don't work.

[RMC]

Letting go of what doesn't work is HARD work. We flounder, not knowing what to do with this seemingly impossible S we find ourselves in, and it's just plain hard to know what to do. In Andy's defense I think he's tried just about everything humanly possible, but it seems some things work for awhile and then they don't, so its very confusing. Excuse me Andy if I am misinterpreting your S. It's just my observation of your posts. What do you do when NOTHING you do works? Nothing?
The only sure thing in life is change. Your S will change in some way and maybe give you something to work with. I'm not much help in this dept.right now, but I care about what pain your going
through. I have my own demon of mistrust that I can't get past. The people on here are wonderful and full of advise from totally differnet perspectives-positive verses negative, at least in my S. right now. I really need that. I don't know about you, I hope you can get some insight and releif from where you are in your R right now.
One thing I know Andy. You always come through to the other side-the positive one, eventually. I admire your stamina and ability to work through the blackness we all feel from time to time. It's who you are and what your made of. Good stuff! Rachael M.

[lily]

Hi, Andy!

Hope you're doing alright. Just wanted to let you know that I'm hoping for some forward movement re your wife.

[ANS]

Wow! Lotsa great posts here!

Thanks for the vote of confidence Rachael, and thanks for your well wishes, Lily.

Fille says I have the urge to discuss and dismiss. I hope that’s not what I’m doing. What I try to do is discuss and adapt the advice to my sit. Tho… I guess I have to admit that I dismiss some of it too

I agree with that wise woman you quoted, JJ. But something I always post to people is that “what works” is a moving target. I agree that it’s a challenge to let go of what doesn’t work, but sometimes it’s an even bigger challenge trying to figure out what works. Especially over the long term.

Rachael put it quite nicely…

quote:Originally posted by Rachael M:

In Andy's defense I think he's tried just about everything humanly possible, but it seems some things work for awhile and then they don't, so its very confusing. Excuse me Andy if I am misinterpreting your S. It's just my observation of your posts. What do you do when NOTHING you do works? Nothing?

The key word in that quote is “seems.” It seems like something works and then it stops. It’s been my experience that things seem to be going great, and POW! It seems like nothing’s changed. Of course the converse is also true. Sometimes it seems like nothing’s changed and POW! The spouse has a humanity attack.

There’s nothing black and white about it. I find that if something stops working, I have to ask myself why. Is it a permanent change that would require me to permanently change my behavior, or is it a temporary thing requiring that I only suspend that behavior?

I find that in most cases, if something that has worked stops working, it’s temporary.

So to answer our question, Rachael, when nothing works, do nothing. Later, when the time seems right, try something. It may be something you’ve already tried, or it may be something new, but sometimes “what works” is a matter of timing.

If I sound more “up” today, it’s because things are working better than yesterday. Sometimes, I take the opportunity to snuggle a little with W at morning coffee time. Does it work? Not always. Sometimes, she retracts. Sometimes she just wants to sleep. Her coffee gets cold.

This morning, we drank our coffee, I snuggled, and she caressed my neck. All was right in the world.

Tomorrow? Who knows?

The movement is always forward, Lily. As long as we look at the long term. Of course, sometimes the short term gets us down. I'm not immune to that either.

TTFN,
Andy

[ANS]

Oh. And lest I be accused of dismissing what JJ said… You’re absolutely right when you say that I concentrate on my R too much sometimes. I’m fully aware of that. I think it happens more when I’m stressed. That’s when I “need” my W, so it also becomes the time when I must not appear “needy.”

That’s when I come here to freak out.

[RMC]

I loved the way you put it-I come here to "freak out"! I do the very same thing, and have been quite frequently I might add. It's much better than freaking out on them because there's no way they could or would handle it!
Glad to hear you had a good morning! After my last post to you I think I feel kind of like a moving target, or I guess I should say we are the ones moving-they are the target! Think we'll ever get a bulls eye?? I keep hoping just to get rid of enough anxiety to really work on ME and stop focusing on US all the time, but when you dwell in the land of axiety disorder you tend to focus on contolling what you can't control. I know this, yet seem helpless to stop it. I guess that's what I pay my therapist the big bucks for. It must be working because I'm feeling really uncomfortable about going and that means the focus is on ME. It had to come to this sooner or later-later in my case. Good Luck Andy-hope the rest of your day is as good as the AM. Rachael M.