I know I probably should take AD, it is just another one of those things I can't wrap my mind around. I started taking them awhile back (got a prescription from a walk-in clinic doctor), but I just went off them. Don't really remember why, but I was probably rationalizing some physical side-effects. I guess I just have this fear of being on something that changes me the rest of my life. Irrational? Probably so, but that is where I am right now.
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
"You would hardly sound like a wimp for thanking your wife for coming out of her shell. I always thank my husband when he lets me do things that have previously been out of his comfort level. I know that he's doing it to please me and I am thankful for it."
I know, I'm just paranoid about the placating stuff sometimes. I don't want it to come across as "oh, thank you thank you thank you for this wonderful gift you have given me, how can I ever repay you" type stuff. I know it is extreme, but that is the sort of thing I think about sometimes. I look back at myself and can see what a horribly placating guy I was, and how unattractive it must have been for my W. I'm just trying to walk the fine line between being overly "nice" and thinking "she should have been doing this all along anyway, why should I thank her?" KWIM?
"Is that it? are you just afraid that you may never be happy with her even if she becomes the sex kitten of the century?"
I'll have to admit, that thought or something like it has crossed my mind. I do want my W to become very sexually adventuresome. But that is only a part of the close EC I want with her. I do worry I won't ever get there.
"do you really consider suicide? I had a period in my life (I probably had PPD and didn't address it) where I really thought about running away, which is totally out of character for me. I have a fierce love for my children. Think of your babies if you get those ugly thoughts, Chrome."
I sort of misspoke there. I'm not contemplating suicide right now (although I will admit I did in the past). All I am saying is that this "flaw" that I mention has the potential for ruining my life, but I feel powerless to control it. If my life was ruined by my own actions, I might dive back into a suicidal state. But then again, most people probably would.
And you are right, I don't think I ever would because I couldn't do that to my family.
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
While I don't really understand what this "flaw" is this whole "happy then sad" scenerio is reminding me of something I heard earlier today. As I work to understand more of the the depression my wife is going through and how to best deal with her in it, I was listening to a speaker. In her talk, she was discussing healing from depression and spoke of what she called the "triggers of depression". Most people think of the negative triggers... stress, family crisis, death, loss of job, etc. In other words.. there are lots of bad things that can happen to us that can trigger depression. But she also mentioned that there are also positive triggers as well, that some just don't think about. Moving into a nice neighborhood, can cause feelings of stress and "do I deserve this?" kind of thinking. for some, it is getting married, for some it is changes in the marriage, even for the positive, that can tip us off balance and steer us towards depressive behaviors and feelings. Each person has their own triggers. It just made me think of you... you have this huge turn for the better in your sex life.. what you have always said you wanted and now that you are getting it... it's not solving the problems you thought it would.. guess what.. a depression trigger. So just because you are experiencing a positive change in your wife, keep in mind that it CAN actually cause depression, not cure it as you may have previously thought. Just something to think about.
"You would hardly sound like a wimp for thanking your wife for coming out of her shell. I always thank my husband when he lets me do things that have previously been out of his comfort level. I know that he's doing it to please me and I am thankful for it."
I know, I'm just paranoid about the placating stuff sometimes. I don't want it to come across as "oh, thank you thank you thank you for this wonderful gift you have given me, how can I ever repay you" type stuff. I know it is extreme, but that is the sort of thing I think about sometimes. I look back at myself and can see what a horribly placating guy I was, and how unattractive it must have been for my W. I'm just trying to walk the fine line between being overly "nice" and thinking "she should have been doing this all along anyway, why should I thank her?" KWIM?
Chrome, there is something to this and I think you shouldn't make extra efforts to "praise". I know the 'spurts say to encourage the positive, but for some people this can come across as cheesy and overboard, or it makes them feel put on the spot because you're calling attention to something they may not care to have spotlighted. You know for me, placing your hands around my face, grinning into my eyes and saying "I love you!" happily would mean more than any other verbal type of appreciation.
My W doesn't like the "thank you's" after sex, and let me know this early in the relationship. However, the last time we ML (in March), I let her know, a day or two later, that I thought the way she kissed was ... (then I put two thumbs up.)
There's definitely room between supplicating and appreciative.
Chrome I understand what you are saying, I've heard that rational from many folks (who truly needed meds). Here's something for you to think about though ok? What if the person on the meds is who you are supposed to be?
"IF" you have a chemical imbalance wouldn't it be nice to find that even keel? Also, think about this as well...."IF" the meds help level out your emotions and thoughts some...can you imagine the difference that might make (fir the better) in your R with your W?
I don't know how moody you are at home, but if you are...that's an added stressor to your M that may not need to be there.
Also...talk to your therapist or to your MD...don't just walk in somewhere and get meds. The people who should subscribe meds to you need to know you and your history...and it may take a bit of time for them to find the right meds/dosage for YOU. I realize there may be some physical side-effects, but your Dr. can minimize that with the correct dosages & meds.
Taking meds is NOTHING to be ashamed of either...it's not a failure, it's not a flaw....it's doing what is best for you and your well-being.
Quote: Yes. That is a big part of my problem, and one of the things that has made me aware of my flaw.
Well, like others have said, I'm not so sure you have a flaw per se. And I really, really think there is something to what Hap brought up about depression. It isn't just the 'sad' or 'bad' things that can trigger depression.
I know I sound like a broken record, but I think you and your wife would really benefit from some of the things that Peace Between the Sheets talks about. I see you and your wife becoming very "O" driven... and when the "O" is done... it CAN leave you oddly hollow and empty, especially since the two of you have gone on a type of feeding frenzy.
While you may be fixing the 'sex' part, you still are not addressing the part which caused the problems in the first place... which is lack of EC. Lack of EC is what leads to lack of sex. That is why I think the 'just do it' method is only helpful in the very short run. It's a way of getting out of the 'blocks,' but it does nothing to help you finish the race.
Depression is not always a bad thing. It is completely natural in human chemical cycles. It is your body's barometer, and it is telling you something isn't necessarily a-okay in Dodge. You are spiking and crashing. If the depression goes on for too long, then yes, you may have a problem. But for now... try to ignore the thoughts that come from spike and crash cycles... let off the "O"s for a few days... hit the gym and get some endorphins going, and I think you will feel yourself begin to level out. THEN you can start thinking rationally again.
I personally feel that if you keep pursuing the sex before you have the EC re-established, or don't at least work as hard at the EC as you are at the sex... the two of you are really going to create a 'gulf' between yourselves. I've said it before and I will say it again: "Lack of sex is NOT the problem. It is only a SYMPTOM of the problem."
Chrome, I think Hap's and Corri's posts together hit the nail right on the head. Please read Hap's post over about 50 times.
You are clearly a very driven, achievement-oriented sort of guy. But all the while that you're driving yourself, you are afraid that you're becoming the overbearing bully that your dad was and second-guessing yourself.
The contrast between the self-effacing glob and the arrogant I-can-achieve-anything-I-set-my-mind-to SuperChrome has you bouncing back and forth between extremes. The arrogance of the SuperChrome is potentially just as damaging as the self-hate of the glob. The SuperChrome thinks he's uniquely flawed, prescribes meds for himself and then takes himself off them, turns his W into a bondage queen and then realizes he still doesn't have an EC with her.
My experience with anti-depressants (Paxil, Prozac, Zoloft, all at different times) is that they do not affect your sex DRIVE. What they affected, for me, was the ability to O. You just keep climbing that mountain, but never quite get there. If you do decide to try ADs again, please discuss with your C, go to a real doctor who knows you, and if you decide to stop, remember that SSRI's MUSt be tapered off gradually. Don't EVER stop them suddenly. There can be dire physical and mental consequences.
