Nope. Not at all. She had no qualms about it at all. And she did a pretty good job with the HJ too. I'm sure with practice it will get better. She even mentioned afterwards that she knows that the rhythm plays a big part of how good the HJ feels, so she is thinking about it.
"And how come you can tell us all of these incredibly intimate graphic things but can't tell us why you're angry and depressed? Something does not compute."
How can I say this? This thing that is making me angry and depressed is something than several people have tried to help me with to no avail. It is something that I myself am just going to have to find a way to solve. At its core it is a severe conflict between my brain and my heart. I just hope that I can solve it before it tears my world apart and suicide becomes a viable option to me. I'm not trying to melodramatic here, or elicit sympathy or a chorus of "no don't do that Chrome." I'm just being honest about how I see it, from both my heart and my mind. I have a fundamental flaw in me, one I can't seem to find a way to cure, because it permeates me even more than my low self-esteem did. I can see clearly how it comes from my FOO, from the severe physical and emotional abuse I received. It is a defense mechanism of sorts, a way of temporarily satiating a hunger inside myself that can probably never be completely filled. It has to do with how I view people around me, what things go through my mind when I interact. Don't worry, I'm not a serial killer or anything like that. Me doing physical violence upon someone would require them hurting someone I love.
Anyway, maybe if you and I were sitting across a table one afternoon with bottomless cups of coffee I might try to see if you can help me. Maybe you could succeed where others have not. I have come to the decision that I am going to make it a priority in my C sessions for awhile.
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
"Chrom, just reminding you to keep the something completely different seperated from the sexual interactions with your W as much as possible. I am assuming they are completly different and unrelated issues."
They are related in a way, but I am trying to separate them. Thanks for the pep talk.
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Re Chrom I do want it, because it feels so d@mn good. HJ's and BJ's are nice, but nothing comes even in the same order of magnitude for me as IC
Dittos on that big guy and I love those Bartholin glands to be active (wet/lubrication )
Maybe we could even go shirtless and give BB a thrill seeing two manly men doing hard physical labor I don't know if that would do it for BB. Right now she could use two Charlton Heston 'The Ten Commandments" (1956) types, Eunuch's of course. They say being a unich makes him less of a man, but the ladies are all over him. See the 6 reasons why. BB would love two big guys rubbing her feet, that is if you stick with just the feet.
Its too bad I can't just drive over to your house and we could do some project to clear my head I have an e-mail address at hot mail, Just put my screen name as it is displayed here, to reach me.
Working in the group-home I heard some weird and sad things. Family abuse, people getting shot at or stabbed, bad drug deals, cats being thrown out a moving car's window, and something to do with sheep (not sexual but heart breaking).
I am not into gore but did look at the lead up to the NT Times reporter Pearl be-heading and a Muslim man getting his hand and opposite foot cut off for stealing. It could have been a act/fake but it looked real. Like I said I am not into gore but investigate some urban/inter-net legends.
Quote: Maybe I haven't shown my appreciation for her efforts as much as I should. Hmmm. How to do that without sounding like a placating wimp?
Showing sincere gratitude for something done out of love is hardly being a "placating wimp." Hmmmm... you ARE in a bad place.
chrome, you do NOT have a fundamental flaw in you that sets you apart from the rest of humankind. But I know that one can get into a place where it seems like you do. To me, that's what Sylvia Plath meant by the Bell Jar. You're in this glass enclosure but you feel alien to everyone and everything around you. This is a feeling and it is coming from someplace in you that needs to be addressed, however-- and this is very important-- it is an illusion. It is a real feeling, but the situation you imagine IS an illusion. That is cold hard logic talking to you. The feeling is telling you that reality is a certain way, but the reality is NOT that way. So it is the FEELING that needs to be dealt with (and the C is a good place to do that), but reassure yourself LOGICALLY that the reality is okay. Please don't lets get into a "yes but" contest here. What I'm saying to you is true... I'm throwing you a piece of driftwood to cling to.
Many of the articles I've been posting recently are about how our ego (meaning our real world personality, the sum of our experiences, beliefs, etc. -- do not use the word "ego" interchangeably with the word "pride"-- that's not what I'm talkin' about)... anyway our ego presents certain things to us in a very convincing way. Those things need to be received and examined, because there is a positive intention at the base, albeit presented often in a very ineffective and possibly even destructive way.
But there are no enemies inside of you. All of the parts and entities within you want what is good for you. It's just that some of them are two years old or even younger and can't be allowed to drive the bus. But you should indeed listen to them-- to their TRUE intent.
Try focusing on this "fundamental flaw" in you and asking it, "What do you want for me?" And then when you "get" an answer, not an answer that you have "figured out," but one that spontaneously pops up, ask it again, "If I fully and totally have <whatever it wants>, then what more do you want for me that is even more important?" Keep asking this, each time, prefacing the statement with, "Okay, if I HAVE that, then what more do you want for me?"
Notice we are not asking "what do you want FROM me," but "what do you want FOR me." Even this so-called flawed part wants something positive FOR you... maybe to keep you safe from being hurt, or to make you stronger than anyone, or to numb your pain... something along those lines.
You are NOT uniquely tainted, corrupt, or flawed. The essential part of you is just as perfect and unflawed as the day you were born-- as your own children are. The abuse that you suffered warped your ego (your real world interactive part, Block refers to it as the Identity System in Come to Your Senses). But that part is like clothing you are wearing... or more like a suit of armor. Inside and underneath that you still ARE the unflawed soul and you can still reach into that well and be refreshed.
I'm not making this up.
It's interesting that people come to this board presenting sexual issues, convinced that if their partner would just step up to the plate sexually, everything would be fine. But there are other doors in other rooms behind that first door. I thought (and even wrote) that if my bf stopped drinking everything would be fine. Alas, we are here to work and grow, and life keeps presenting us with opportunities to do just that.
P.S. I also have a hotmail address with this name.
You would hardly sound like a wimp for thanking your wife for coming out of her shell. I always thank my husband when he lets me do things that have previously been out of his comfort level. I know that he's doing it to please me and I am thankful for it.
Now, I may be a little slow on the uptake, but the vibe I am getting from you is that although your wife is becoming a little more sexual with you, you still aren't happy. Is that it? are you just afraid that you may never be happy with her even if she becomes the sex kitten of the century? That's a problem for me too :/ I have been trying to let go of the fantasy marriage/relationship that I've been trying to live up to for so long. Wish I had better advice, but I struggle with some of the same things.
P.S. do you really consider suicide? I had a period in my life (I probably had PPD and didn't address it) where I really thought about running away, which is totally out of character for me. I have a fierce love for my children. Think of your babies if you get those ugly thoughts, Chrome.
If you really do have thoughts of suicide...and believe you are fundamentally flawed (which I assure you, you aren't)...I'm believing, more and more that you would benefit from anti-depressants. There's very likely a chemical imbalance (that you have no control over) making your life much more difficult for you than it needs to be. That chemical imbalance can take something that would normally be fairly easy to deal with and make something so huge and insermountable out of it that thoughts of suicide or running away seem reasonable.
Sincerely my friend...at the very least talk to your C or your MD about this, let them be aware of what you are thinking and where you are at...they honestly may be able to help you.
I'm going to guess you don't feel connected to your wife, even though you and she are sharing physical interaction. You do not feel the 'soul mate' connection.
She's over there, you're over here... you have a hand touching you, it feels good... but you don't feel emotionally and spiritually joined.
I have a fundamental flaw in me, one I can't seem to find a way to cure, because it permeates me even more than my low self-esteem did. I can see clearly how it comes from my FOO, from the severe physical and emotional abuse I received. It is a defense mechanism of sorts, a way of temporarily satiating a hunger inside myself that can probably never be completely filled. It has to do with how I view people around me, what things go through my mind when I interact.
Ok, you brought it up on the board, gave us a little teaser, then say you can’t discuss it. What’s up? Come on out and tell us, since you want us to pull it out of you (there’s that martyr complex going again), other wise you wouldn’t have mentioned it. What exactly are you talking about? How do you know this thing is a flaw? What are you comparing it to in order to know it is a flaw?
BTW, I think GEL may be right that you should look into AD meds. That post you made to Hairdog is a whole new side of you I’ve not seen. It is a good side and one I have been hoping to come out, but it is in quite opposition to your tone earlier in the week. You went from depression to elation in the drop of a hat. Now you’re back to depression?
I know the world can turn on a dime when you make a breakthrough with your spouse so that what seemed to be the darkest, end of the world scenario suddenly becomes sunny and happy and you experience this sudden feeling of relief. But this line of thinking is bothersome.
"Ok, you brought it up on the board, gave us a little teaser, then say you can’t discuss it. What’s up? Come on out and tell us, since you want us to pull it out of you (there’s that martyr complex going again), other wise you wouldn’t have mentioned it. What exactly are you talking about? How do you know this thing is a flaw? What are you comparing it to in order to know it is a flaw?"
I mention it only to let you know that there is a madness to my reason. Everyone probably wonders why I am not in happy-happy land right now, so I wanted to just make sure no one thought that it was bad feelings about my W or what she is doing. This is a problem with ME, not her.
"You went from depression to elation in the drop of a hat. Now you’re back to depression?"
Maybe I am bi-polar. IDK
"But this line of thinking is bothersome."
Which line of thinking are you referring to?
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
)
I don't know if that would do it for BB. Right now she could use two Charlton Heston 'The Ten Commandments" (1956) types, Eunuch's of course. 