Nope. Not at all. She had no qualms about it at all. And she did a pretty good job with the HJ too. I'm sure with practice it will get better. She even mentioned afterwards that she knows that the rhythm plays a big part of how good the HJ feels, so she is thinking about it.
"And how come you can tell us all of these incredibly intimate graphic things but can't tell us why you're angry and depressed? Something does not compute."
How can I say this? This thing that is making me angry and depressed is something than several people have tried to help me with to no avail. It is something that I myself am just going to have to find a way to solve. At its core it is a severe conflict between my brain and my heart. I just hope that I can solve it before it tears my world apart and suicide becomes a viable option to me. I'm not trying to melodramatic here, or elicit sympathy or a chorus of "no don't do that Chrome." I'm just being honest about how I see it, from both my heart and my mind. I have a fundamental flaw in me, one I can't seem to find a way to cure, because it permeates me even more than my low self-esteem did. I can see clearly how it comes from my FOO, from the severe physical and emotional abuse I received. It is a defense mechanism of sorts, a way of temporarily satiating a hunger inside myself that can probably never be completely filled. It has to do with how I view people around me, what things go through my mind when I interact. Don't worry, I'm not a serial killer or anything like that. Me doing physical violence upon someone would require them hurting someone I love.
Anyway, maybe if you and I were sitting across a table one afternoon with bottomless cups of coffee I might try to see if you can help me. Maybe you could succeed where others have not. I have come to the decision that I am going to make it a priority in my C sessions for awhile.
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
