Oh Lily, if you only now what my decision did to my H and my children!! My husband was exactly how you are. He lost it. Was so grieved that words cannot explain-I could not stand to be around him because of the pain on his face. He mourned day and night-no sleep-lost 20 pds, tried not to cry his eyes out every time our kids asked about me-What got me was we rented a cottage on a lake every summer. Every morning bright and early our little then 4 yr od boy would scuttle into our bedroom and climb in to bed with us and we would watch the woodpeckers on all the trees outside our cabin for a long time beore getting up. When I left for one crazy month when I was in my midlife having my affair, my husband at the request of our 3 children took then to the lake cottage. The first morning there our little 4 yr old wentinto my H bedroom and crawled up next to him and said Daddy, I wish Mommy was here to see the woodpeckers with us. My husband tried so hard not to cry in front of him, but nothing hurts as bad as a broken heart as you know Lily. I sobbed when he told me about that and decided shortly thereafter that I could NEVER leave my family. EVEN after experienceing that pain, my husband 11 yrs later had a 2 1/2 yr affair because of his own midlife pain and crisis-I am more understnading than most I suppose because of what I've been through. He was gone 6 months. IT was hell for me and that little boy who is now 16. IT was hell for my Husband because he is a wonderful Father, and has always been a wonderful H until all this. Now he is home. He has to heal-we both to -all over again. You would have thought he could have never allowed this to happen, but we are only human, We make HUGE mistakes and pay the price for them everyday. We have hope though. We are forgiven as soon as we ask for it from God. It's as if it never happened for Him as soon as we ask. I am trying so hard to forgive as he (my H)forgave me 11 yrs ago, and as God would want me to. I have NO idea why this had to happen again to us-we make out own choices,but we also use our experiences to help others. I hope that's what we can do. We are in His arms, and I have put our M in His hands and since doing that things have started turning around. I still have alot of anxiety, but that is something that I have needed to work through for a very long time. Pieces fit together in this jigsaw of life if we only let them. Thanks for your sweet post-I wish you well-My heart aches for you because I can hear the pain in your words, yet in all your pain you are so understanding. You will be fine Lily. Rachael M.
