The Neverending Story...GH Saga Continues

[PositivelyListening]

Hi GH,

I just caught up on your sitch, and I really feel for you right now. I am sorry. I know you've been feeling so good about your progress. I've got to tell you, when your W had the convo with her mom, and was really going on and on about what a great husband you are, I was suspicious that this was a guilt conversation. My H did this, had conversations with his mom about how I was the perfect wife and partner, several months after the A had started, when it was still a secret from me. IMHO, regardless of whether a physical affair is going on or not, you absolutely need a no contact rule. She needs to change her cell phone number, change gyms, change friends, you guys can move to a different town - I'm not kidding! You need a commitment together and a fresh start together. How long are you going to live with suspicions and this worry in your body? If W says you can trust her, then tell her to be your best self, there will need to be some actions taken so that the situation works for you. GH, this is not unreasonable, you are either working on your M together, or your DBing and she's not in. That's not what you've been thinking, and you need clarity once again. You deserve to be clear. And if you're afraid of "upsetting the applecart" because it's so nice right now, and everybody's getting along, then make sure to sign up for prepayment on operations for your ulcers which are predictable in advance with that kind of "paste on a smile and always be nice" life. Doing it when you are DBing, for a specific purpose and time frame, is very different from working on your M together and doing it then. Your M will never work that way.

Also, I don't think it's a problem to ask your W about a concern you have, no matter what time of the day it is. It is nice that you are accomodating to her. I think that is part of the problem. You are way too accomodating to her. Anyway, then she said, "why do you always bring this kind of thing up when it's so late" and she was very effective in deflecting you. You retreated. You do this often. You need to stop being intimidated by your W. Here's a few ideas for next time something comes up, things you could say to honor yourself:

"I brought it up because I had a concern, and didn't want to dwell on what I was thinking without having your input. By you putting me off, I am now more worried that there is something to be worried about. If you are tired, and want to talk tomorrow instead, I can wait. But I have some needs too, so can we make a date to talk? What time shall we talk tomorrow?"

GH, when I read your posts, I get a pervasive sense that your W is a bully. Bullying behavior is about controlling others, and making them feel small and less important. It's one thing to be "in charge" and another to willfully disregard the needs of others in order to meet your own agenda. I think you are amazing aand wonderful. Yet with W you swing from overly accomodating to frustrated and angry (in a P/A way). I love you dearly. Does your W? If so, you can ask her for some things you need now. I think some books on assertiveness training so that you have language for expressing your needs in non threatening/non aggressive ways might help. Because I read your posts and I want to punch your wife out. But it's only because you're out of balance in your R with her. All of us readers who love you want to see you take your life on so that it is totally great, not superficially great. You can do this GH. I think your M can take it too. Your W would be a FOOL to leave you, and she knows it too. Now it's time for you to take on the M, so that it works for you. Some of the next set of new behaviors may be the most unfamiliar of all. But it's the only way to get to the next level. You will need to be relentless in your pursuit of and commitment to honesty and integrity in your R to have what you really want in life. Go for it, GH.

Remember to give me this talk next time I get frozen in fear with my H's behavior or comments But just know, I am roooting for you.