OK, GH, I've got to throw down my 2 cents that the OM is not out of the picture. I don't mean that she's necessarily continuing a PA, but the fantasies are still in her head for sure ... and that's really the same thing in terms of your M, because she's really not 100% committed to you or the M, no matter what she says.
In a sitch with active fantasies, any contact with the OP isn't like playing with matches, it's like playing with explosives.
Rewind my sitch to last fall ... my W has "ended" the A and "is working" to get back to a good M with me. She's actually gone to a couple counseling sessions with our pastor, and is going to church every week and praying with me every night. We are able to talk about everything, we are ML a lot, and we are seemingly on the path to a great M.
W talks to OM every few days to "make sure he's OK" because he has so many issues. OM is already dating someone else at this point. W "knows" that her A had no chance to become a LTR, because OM is incredibly immature and has so many problems. She feels incredibly stupid for starting it and is working through her guilt.
Two months later, because they kept talking, they are "in love" again and stronger than ever. My W is even helping OM cover up a crime he commmitted (theft).
I would hate to see this happen to you. I know you think it can't happen because of the way OM treated her. Take it from someone who's been there: A's are illogical, and it can happen, and it will be more devastating to you than the first bomb.
The No Contact Rule HAS to be in place. You have to insist that she treat you with some respect.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Yea, yea, yea. I got it. I did it...or I didn't exactly. I read your posts and immediatly got up, went downstairs and said "W, I know this may be out of the blue considering how well things seem to be going but I need to talk to you about us and what I see as an almost total lack of progress in terms if intimacy between us. Is that about our issues or is it about 'him' still."
She looked pretty shocked and then said "Why do you always wait until the end of the night (true, probably not the best time but fcuk it) to do this, to start these kinds of conversations. You had all night."
"Well, yes I did, but I really didn't plan on having this talk but...Ok, if you don't want to talk now, that's fine, I'll drop it for now. Let me know when would be a better time to talk about this." I said.
I went back upstairs and here I am...suppose we'll have a good night tomorrow night.
Sorry you all if that sounded short and I sound angry. I am just tired, probably did the wrong thing and don't really want to dwell on it. I am smarter than getting fired up and running into conversation I didn't really want to have, at least not now. It's just as well she cut it off. I WILL have this convo, it's unavoidable now and that's probably a good thing but again, what I just did doesn't sit right with me. I don't really even need much commentary on it.
I just caught up on your sitch, and I really feel for you right now. I am sorry. I know you've been feeling so good about your progress. I've got to tell you, when your W had the convo with her mom, and was really going on and on about what a great husband you are, I was suspicious that this was a guilt conversation. My H did this, had conversations with his mom about how I was the perfect wife and partner, several months after the A had started, when it was still a secret from me. IMHO, regardless of whether a physical affair is going on or not, you absolutely need a no contact rule. She needs to change her cell phone number, change gyms, change friends, you guys can move to a different town - I'm not kidding! You need a commitment together and a fresh start together. How long are you going to live with suspicions and this worry in your body? If W says you can trust her, then tell her to be your best self, there will need to be some actions taken so that the situation works for you. GH, this is not unreasonable, you are either working on your M together, or your DBing and she's not in. That's not what you've been thinking, and you need clarity once again. You deserve to be clear. And if you're afraid of "upsetting the applecart" because it's so nice right now, and everybody's getting along, then make sure to sign up for prepayment on operations for your ulcers which are predictable in advance with that kind of "paste on a smile and always be nice" life. Doing it when you are DBing, for a specific purpose and time frame, is very different from working on your M together and doing it then. Your M will never work that way.
Also, I don't think it's a problem to ask your W about a concern you have, no matter what time of the day it is. It is nice that you are accomodating to her. I think that is part of the problem. You are way too accomodating to her. Anyway, then she said, "why do you always bring this kind of thing up when it's so late" and she was very effective in deflecting you. You retreated. You do this often. You need to stop being intimidated by your W. Here's a few ideas for next time something comes up, things you could say to honor yourself:
"I brought it up because I had a concern, and didn't want to dwell on what I was thinking without having your input. By you putting me off, I am now more worried that there is something to be worried about. If you are tired, and want to talk tomorrow instead, I can wait. But I have some needs too, so can we make a date to talk? What time shall we talk tomorrow?"
GH, when I read your posts, I get a pervasive sense that your W is a bully. Bullying behavior is about controlling others, and making them feel small and less important. It's one thing to be "in charge" and another to willfully disregard the needs of others in order to meet your own agenda. I think you are amazing aand wonderful. Yet with W you swing from overly accomodating to frustrated and angry (in a P/A way). I love you dearly. Does your W? If so, you can ask her for some things you need now. I think some books on assertiveness training so that you have language for expressing your needs in non threatening/non aggressive ways might help. Because I read your posts and I want to punch your wife out. But it's only because you're out of balance in your R with her. All of us readers who love you want to see you take your life on so that it is totally great, not superficially great. You can do this GH. I think your M can take it too. Your W would be a FOOL to leave you, and she knows it too. Now it's time for you to take on the M, so that it works for you. Some of the next set of new behaviors may be the most unfamiliar of all. But it's the only way to get to the next level. You will need to be relentless in your pursuit of and commitment to honesty and integrity in your R to have what you really want in life. Go for it, GH.
Remember to give me this talk next time I get frozen in fear with my H's behavior or comments But just know, I am roooting for you.
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
I am not here right now. I was sigining off after trying to catch up on Amy and I saw there was one unread post on my "old" thread and I decided to see what it was.
PL, you really moved me with that. Thank you so much for your sentiments. If you read my other "new" thread, you know I DID upset the apple cart and the apples are now all over the ground, being eaten by worms. I can't say where my marriage will go from here, but it is as fundamentally changed and in jeporady as it was the first time the bombs fell and I just think that PART, maybe just a tiny part, of that is due to the amount of time I spend (as someone recently pointed out and I tried to deny) thinking and stressing over my sitch. I can't continue to do that. I WON'T continue to do that.
It's a 180 that's been a long time comming. I am obsessed with saving my marriage...and me...but to be honest, the marriage has come first this whole time. It's not that my changes were not real but I think my motives were false. I want to change that.
PL, again, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your post. It was the perfect thing for me to hear all things considered.
If you want, post to the new thread. I'll be back sometime soon...probably too soon, lol.
But just know, I am roooting for you.