You liked that spikey hug, huh?!! LOL It took me a long time to read everything! Here's my thoughts...
Who cares why W called OM? Maybe she was just returning a sad-sack call from him ..maybe she knew he was busy and wouldn't have to speak with him at that moment and left a message...my point - who knows - there could be a billion reasons why.
I think the real problem is that you don't have a no contact boundary. If you did, then her calling him would be an issue. On one hand, you say you don't have a problem with her seeing him at the gym, but yet you have a problem with her calling him? That's a little confusing. Personally, I would be more wary of their physical meeting than whatever they're talking about over the phone. But, that's just me.
So, maybe its time to set up a no contact boundary. This way you have the assurance you need that she isn't in contact with him. You don't have to tell her you snooped, you could raise the issue another way. And once this boundary is established, and have that issue out of the way, you can focus on other things. And if she breeches the agreement? Well, that's another ball of wax that would need to be dealt with differently.
For some reason, GH, you still suspect something is going on. If your W is really committed to the M, then she should be willing to assist you in helping you get past YOUR fears. Or, at least the fear that she is still having an A. Even though you say you're OK with her still having contact with him, like at the gym, is it REALLY ok to you? Honestly? Because maybe that suspicion is what is holding you back in other areas as well. Almost like you can't give yourself whole-heartedly because of this lingering doubt.
OK...the pulling back thing. Letting her pursue YOU a bit. I agree with this. Time to change the dance? If anything, it's a CHANGE. lol Make her a wonder about you. Part of Dbing is changing course when necessary. You can go by the book, go by the book and still find yourself in a rut. So change it. Go to a different chapter. You say you've tried everything and nothing worked. That's not true. You haven't tried everything. Or you would have come across what worked by now. So do some different things. Sleep in the spare room. When she asks why, tell her you need some time alone with yourself. (I'm not laughing, I swear!) I'll bet you that sleeping in the spare room would shake her up a little.....
but.....regardless, it seems that you need your W to show you she can be trusted. And you're not getting that right now. So, you may have to get that resolved before you can move forward. Knowing whether or not the A is still ongoing would answer a lot of questions you have and also help put you where you need to be in your DBing efforts.
