Ok, first of all, please, if you have time, and have any, I'd still like thoughts on my reply to SS.
This is just a wrap up on the day before I leave work for home.
She finally called me after about an hour and a half after I left her a message. She didn't make any excuse or ever say why it took so long. I asked how her stuff went and she gave me the answer I had in my head as the one that would trigger more suspicion (DAMN ME, I AM DOING IT AGAIN). She said that she talked to the community service people and basically they said she could come in whenever. She already knew that. She said today was when she would actually pick days to go. I asked her about that and she said she didn't really know when she wanted to do it...WTH? She was going there, she said, to pick her dates and now says she didn't know when she wanted to do it. Of course I am thinking this is because she never went there and didn't get a schedule so what else is she going to say.
I don't know. This feels like the "bad ole days" again where I had trouble seperating reality from the world in my head. You long time follwers of my sitch know that it's an issue I addressed with my C early on and she agreed that it was causing me a LOT of issues in my life and marriage. I worked VERY hard to live in the moment and not speculate/predict the outcome of things. Now I am doing it again. Gotta stop.
The bottom line is that as shippd said, I gotta make up my mind what I need to do and then do it. Dwelling on this is going to drive me insane.
I think I will basically say to her (IF I have the convo SS, I have not forgotten your advice)...
"W, I appreciated when you said we were going to have an open, honest relationship from now on. I took that to heart, and I believe you did too. I also know you said you needed more time to figure yourself out, and I have given that to you, and will continue to. What I need to figure out is what this barrier is between us, that seems to be preventing us growing beyond friendship, or rather I want to know what it is NOT.
I know you said our problems were not about OM, and I agree, but you also agreed with me that while he was in the picture, things would not improve between us.
With that in mind, and my perception that things are moving very slowly, if at all in terms of our growth "together" I just want you to look me in the eyes and tell me that the OM is gone for good and is NOT the barrier that is slowing or preventing our progress. (if she does do that...or even if she does not..continuing...) Because I believe you will be honest with me if I ask you directly, I also want to know when the last time you spoke to him or saw him was."
I still don't know if I will go through with it or not.
She just called me to say that she rented a movie for us to watch tonight (that's usualy my domain, she is usually happy to be on her own at night ) so it seems like OUR life is not really affected by whatever may or may not have happened today.
) so it seems like OUR life is not really affected by whatever may or may not have happened today. 
