The Neverending Story...GH Saga Continues

[MuddleThrough]

Ok, ok. The problem is ANY attempt by me to pull back is immediately met with her asking me to come closer.

I can really relate to this, and I've been having some trouble with how to get more space if I want/need it without contributing to a mini-crisis. To me, this comes down to control. My W wants to know that she has a certain amount of control over me, and that comes from not knowing, or not being willing to take responsibility for herself, and therefore not having control over herself.

For me to keep pulling back at that point, I would have to make it an issue.

Might not be a bad thing to create some "issues" of your own. Again, only because I think I can relate to your sitch through mine, I have to draw on some assumptions I have about how certain motivations work in my W. I think that because she's threatening the R, all the power is in her hands, and she likes this. She needs to have power over something/someone else in order to feel a sense of strength, and she doesn't nourish that power over herself (hell, she doesn't even eat proper meals). So, if everything is perceptable as an attempt to meet her demands (implicit or explicit) so that she'll stay in the R, she has all the power. Why be intimate with a weakling that you control? Maybe there's an opportunity for you to do something different, something that can upset this dynamic. Something subtle that will cue her into realizing that you are 2 people who each have the same amount of power over their own status in the R.

Oh, and if you figure out how to do this without doing something really drastic, let me know!

I would not have to be an a$$ but I assure you, she would take it that way.

Of course, because you're taking away something, a part of her she thinks, that she is entitled to.

I don't know if I should give a crap right now but all the while, when it seemed like we were progressing towards something better, I guess it felt wrong to do this.

Something that I really struggle with is this right here. It seemed like you were progressing. In other words, it seemed like she was coming around. It seemed like she was giving you more of what you wanted. Maybe she's just giving you little bits and pieces of what you want in order to maintain status quo. Maybe it felt wrong to you, not because it would have been, but because you were afraid that she would withhold herself again. This is where I start to think Shppd is on to something. Direct confrontation. If she's in the relationship, then she needs to commit. She should come up with an action plan about how you both can begin to repair your relationship. If she isn't committed, well then, you should know that too. Regardless, you shouldn't ever feel like you are being controlled through your fear, or rather that you're being held over a barrel and if you don't perform the right way, she's gone.

I guess I just think that somehow my sitch is different (don't we all) in that my W WANTS me close to her but only as close as SHE wants but not as close as I want to be. Then she explains it as "This closeness (which is MUCH closer than during the A when I DID pull back and we had NO physical interaction) is building things back up again." She said that, along with the "I need more time" but I can't understand why it's taking THIS much time. That's why I really think most of this is just my historical lack of patience rearing it's ugly head.

Quite possibly because W needs more time to center herself, or rather because she needs to get more time without interference from anyone else in which to find herself again. She needs to redefine herself in this life you have together, not just accept it for what it is. She needs to take an active part in it. With OM still a part of her life she's still not in the door with you. You're just talking to each other through an open door now. How intimate is that?

You know what, it's so hard because over the past several years it seems like NOTHING I did to show her love worked...and when I realize that, I look back at the state of our marriage and see that maybe there were just two empty tanks, with neither of us having any fuel to give to the other, let alone the right kind.

Yuck - these kind of realizations feel like crap, and the metaphor makes it seem that much more dire. Using fuel as a metaphor makes the situation hopeless. How can you fill a tank with no fuel? If you have none, you have none. Love is an action. As long as you are alive, you can never look for it and come up empty. True, you can learn to express it in a way that's received more readily, but it's there. Also, what do you mean by WORKED? Are you again using her happiness as an index of how well you loved her?

I guess you are saying to not R talk, but to pull back, EVEN if I have to make it a negative thing, if I think it will eventually help. Do I have that right?

The difficulty here with not having the R talks is that your perspectives are different. If you are always looking for the positives, and she is somewhat ambivalent, then your views will clash. She has to WANT to see the positives in the R before it will get better. Distance may make her more aware of her part in her happiness. Yes, you do have every right to do with yourself as you please. If you want to back off, do it. If you want to separate, do it.