Quote: First, (((((((((GH)))))))))). I know you are really having a hard time lately.
Thanks SS, but I would not get that close...I am dangerous in this state...I may take it the wrong way, lol.
Quote: I know you don't want to do this because you can see you are making progress, but you must BACK OFF. You are no longer in crisis mode. Your W has committed to staying in your M and she said she ended the A right? If the answer is yes, then you are in rebuilding mode. And that means you have to give her at least some mystery as well as some opportunity to pursue you.
Ok, ok. The problem is ANY attempt by me to pull back is immediately met with her asking me to come closer. For me to keep pulling back at that point, I would have to make it an issue. I would not have to be an a$$ but I assure you, she would take it that way. I don't know if I should give a crap right now but all the while, when it seemed like we were progressing towards something better, I guess it felt wrong to do this. I know I may need to rock the boat but I can't really figure out why it needs to be now. It should be up to me, and up to how much time I can stand to go by before I pull back, and thus, tell her WHY I am doing so because a "I can't do that while we are not intimate in any other way" may be the truth but only part of it.
I guess I just think that somehow my sitch is different (don't we all) in that my W WANTS me close to her but only as close as SHE wants but not as close as I want to be. Then she explains it as "This closeness (which is MUCH closer than during the A when I DID pull back and we had NO physical interaction) is building things back up again." She said that, along with the "I need more time" but I can't understand why it's taking THIS much time. That's why I really think most of this is just my historical lack of patience rearing it's ugly head.
Quote: How have you shown her you love and appreciate her in non-physical ways. (Have you done the 5 languages of love yet? If not, I would highly suggest doing so.)
It's the book I recommend to people right after DB/DR. That book was the second best thing I ever read in terms of understanding my sitch. Here's the thing. I THOUGHT (oh, and BTW, I never posted about this so it's new territory) her LL was Gifts, and that was reinforced by her seeming to like when I started buying her flowers and little things every once in awhile. Then she asked me one day to lay off the flowers and gifts. Then I heard through a friend of hers that she REALLY hated me buying her flowers and the other things. WTF! Sure, maybe she didn't like what I got, and I considered that, but to me, that means that maybe I was wrong about her LL.
To tell the truth, taking the LL tests for her (she would not take on herself) Gifts came up first and Acts of Service second, but I had a hard time choosing which things were more important to her. That sucked for 2 reasons. First, because it meant that I didn't know her as much as I thought I did and second, because I think I may have gotten her LL wrong.
SO, these days, I struggle with the LL question. Who knows, maybe she's a closet Quality Time girl. You know what, it's so hard because over the past several years it seems like NOTHING I did to show her love worked...and when I realize that, I look back at the state of our marriage and see that maybe there were just two empty tanks, with neither of us having any fuel to give to the other, let alone the right kind.
Quote: I have noticed that the less my H and I talk about the ow or our M the more things move forward. So as much as you want to, do not have an R talk. If she brings things up, what she really wants is for you to listen to her.
Please, GH, don't be afraid of taking temporary steps back for the sake of overall forward movement.
These two things seem to contradict each other. I guess you are saying to not R talk, but to pull back, EVEN if I have to make it a negative thing, if I think it will eventually help. Do I have that right?
