For what is is worth, there is absolutely nothing wrong with KNOWING WHAT YOU ARE DEALING WITH. Since she has not been forthcoming with that info, you discovered it as need be. So please don't beat yourself up.
I hid my head in the sand while my DH and I were in the process of reconciling. I wish I hadn't. I would still have gotten back together with him, but I would have made a few other decisions. As it was, I now feel like I made decisions while playing with a "less than complete deck".
I think the no snooping thing applies at the start of the process when all emotions are so RAW and NEW. But if she has made the decision to get work on your marriage, and things don't seem "right", then finding out why is not a bad thing! LEARN TO TRUST YOUR GUT!
And I do agree, she needs to agree to absolutely no contact from OM if she is indeed working on the marriage. I suppose she can't control if he calls her, but she doesn't need to be calling him. I am sure she will deny that any of this is a big deal, but lets be honest - it is certainly a big deal to YOU.
Hang in there. Personally, I think she will admire a man who won't allow another man to tread in his territory.
