Quote: what is my boundry in regaurds to om? will i continue to allow her to talk to him or see him?
Shipped, leave it to me to use my own crap to tell YOU something but... the way you put this is a little off. You said I have to figure out what MY boundaries are in regards to this and then you said I have to ask myself if I will continue to "allow" her to see OM. My boundary on this has nothing to do with allowing her to do anything. It has to do with what my reaction will be if I find out she is still seeing him. I think that's REALLY important to understand because thinking of boundaries as something you set for OTHER people is the same as activly trying to control them. I do not want to control my W, only myself.
There, got that out of the way. In answer to your question, as much as I talk about boundaries and such with you and other people, I guess I have to be honest and say that i really had not thought about what I would do if she were still seeing him. I know I said my actions would change but in terms of what it does to my outlook on our R and whether I would make any drastic changes, i.e. moving out or asking her to leave, I have not really thought about it. I guess, again, trying to be honest, I never really think about those things because I found a way to do this without either of us being gone so my boundaries are mostly about what I will do in the context of our life as it currently is, without relocation by either of us.
I guess that's an answer of sorts.
Quote: i do think you need to have this conversation with her today, right now, before she goes to where ever she is going. unless you are confortabul with her still in contact with him. which i dont think you are, so confront her let her know you know, and ask whats up with it. do it now, right now
Sorry shippd, I can't do that. I won't have that talk over the phone so I will have to wait until tonight. I am not trying to stop her from going wherever she's going so I don't feel any sense of urgency. I only want to call to, yes, as sad as it sounds, check up on her.
Quote: GH - I'm really sorry to hear that you have reason to doubt her again. I have read that there's a withdrawal period (I guess time for grieving the loss of this OP) that restarts every time contact is resumed. If she has in fact been contacting him, this is keeping alive her fantasy and indeed maintaining the wall between you two.
Thanks muddle. This is what I am afraid of too.
Quote: So, that said, maybe you should tell her that you haven't gotten a clear picture yet of whether this OM issue has been resolved on her part, or whether she has committed to no contact. Maybe you can come at it more from an angle of compassion - "I know this period must be hard for you - I'd like to be there for you in any way possible." This IS the truth, right? You're not being deceptive if you tell her this.
That is exactly how I want to approach it. You put it much better than I did. Thank you.
Quote: You always say that snooping give you a false snapshot of what is actually going on. I guess what I'm saying here is that maybe you ought to try and get the BIG PICTURE from her, rather than asking her for some of that snapshop information so you can tell if she's lying or not.
VERY, VERY, VERY good use of my own words against me, lol. I think you are VERY right.
Quote: That being said though....HELL YES, CALL HER.
Don't worry Amy, no matter what you all said, I was going to call her anyway.
Thanks again. I still don't know if I want to talk to her or just observe some more (not snoop). Amy, you asked me what I wanted you all to say. I guess I wanted you to have a chance to tell me that I was full of $hit and that I was making a big mistake.
