Ok, first of all, I am sorry in advance to anyone whom I let down because of what I am about to post.
If you have been reading some of my posts lately about snooping, you may have noticed that I backed away from my NO SNOOPING EVER stance. If you were reading between the lines, you MAY have guessed that there was a reason I was doing that. You would have been right.
I am not going to claim I had no choice, or that I just couldn't help it. I made a thought out, rational decision to snoop last night. I was NOT emotional at all and after a long time considering it (over 2 weeks) I decided to do it.
My rational was right in line with my recent views on snooping. I said that I now feel that snooping is ok ONLY if it is to discover something that you DON'T already know is going on.
In my case, my W claims her affair and contact with OM has ended. Now, to be fair, she claimed the affair was over but the no contact I don't really ever remember her committing to. Last time we talked OM she said he still called now and then but that she had not spoken to him in awhile.
In light of the fact that it's been a couple months since their affair ended and supposedly WE are working on OUR relationship exclusively, I made the decision to check my W's phone late last night.
I DON'T know that I made the right decision and I don't make excuses. That said, I don't regret the decision. Like I said in my "snooping" post last week, I still believe that snooping to get DETAILS is wrong and ultimately counterproductive. I also admit that what I did last night...and this morning...may be as well.
SO, as you may have guessed, OM was on the recent calls list from yesterday. He was also on her "dialed" calls list. That's as far as I went other than to confirm that there were no text's as far as I could tell but her phone is new and I don't really know my way around it.
What I know for sure is that this proves nothing. I still don't know they are still seeing each other. Last I heard, he was not even living here anymore. Of course I heard this from her...
You might wonder what prompted this. Well, as I said, my W's words about wanting to work on us have NOT matched her actions and I just wanted to see if this may be why.
Another thing, and the main catalyst for WHEN I decided to do this is that this morning W got a babysitter. The boys are off from school, and have been for a couple weeks. W told me earlier this week when she tried to get some of her DUI stuff taken care of with the boys in tow, that it was really hard to do with them and she needed to get some time this week to finish up. She said she was going to get a babysitter for today, just for a couple hours so she could get the rest of the stuff done.
I actually didn't think much of it when she told me. It seemed like a good idea.
Then last night my paranoid mind kicked into high gear and I started thinking about all the times I have suggested getting a babysitter so WE could go out and how W had never managed to get behind that idea. Now she gets a babysitter for the MORNING, something she has never seen fit to do no matter what she had to do or if she had the boys? Of course, my mind went bad places. It's still there.
I have NO idea if she's seeing him today. Right now, I am 50/50 about whether I think she is or not. I know that it's VERY possible that she's telling the truth but it's also possible she's not.
What this is all about is that my W supposedly recommitted to our marriage. She SAID things were over between them. IF they are not, my behavior needs to change. I need to pull back and do a LOT of things differently.
That's where the problem is. I WILL NOT SNOOP any more. IF I am going to find out anymore, it will be because W tells me. That's my delima. Do I talk to her about this?
I don't want to admit the snooping (another reason why it's bad...it's a LIE WE have to tell) but I feel like I want to talk to her tonight and simply say to her...
"W, I know a couple months ago you said your 'situation' was over. You said you knew you belonged with me and the boys. You said I had the right to expect an open, honest relationship to exist between us and to this point, I think we have had that. I am concerned however by the total lack of progress in terms of 'us' and wonder if it is an indication of something else other than just the time you say you need. Point blank, I want you to look me in the eyes and reassure me that you have not had contact with OM. When was the last time you spoke to him on the phone and when was the last time you saw him in person, and finally, I would like you to reassure me that even if you have seen him, or spoken to him, that it was NOT to continue seeing him. I want to know these things because I have been acting under the assumption that things were a certain way and if they are not, I need to know that so I can adjust my behavior accordingly."
Part of me, I'd say 75% is pretty sure that convo will happen tonight. The other 25% is thinking "So what, you KNEW she was probably still talking to him and she even admitted, before saying he's out of state now, that she saw him occasionally at the gym so what's the problem. Sure she COULD still be seeing him but there has been NO sense of that in the past month+. There has been NO evidence of it and all her previous patterns of lies/ect. have not resurfaced. In short, unless she's become a MUCH better liar, I actually believe that she's not seeing him."
What do I do? Do I confront her? I think I have the right to considering what she SAYS our R is all about right now, i.e. being open and honest. Am I wrong to "accuse" her?
I have to say, all things considered, I am doing fine. I am not that emotional. I am still thinking.
I actually feel some twisted sense of relief because I am step closer to NOT being crazy. I am not saying her still cheating or talking to him is a good thing in ANY way but all this time I have been going crazy trying to figure out what the barrier between us is and if it's still him, at least I know I can stop with all the trying. I will still DB of course, but with a renewed focus on me alone.
I am still able to look at this from all angles but I keep coming back to the fact that no matter what, I want to know why she is still contacting him but I do NOT want to admit the snooping. Is that possible? I don't know. If she asks why I decided to ask her now, I will say because of my fears about the babysitter thing, and that IS the truth...or part of it.
And that's the rub. I want her to be honest with me yet I am going to start out that conversation by being somewhat DISHONEST with her. Do I even have a right to ask her to be honest with me if I am not going to be with her?
Lastly, and I suppose I am just wrong here and I know it, I want to try to call her when she supposedly is down at the courthouse, etc, to try to see if she'll answer or if she'll blow me off the entire time she's away from the house like she used to when she was with OM. I guess it's my "test" to give me at least a LITTLE more faith that she's where she says she is.
Please, I want your help. Am I completely off the path? Am I doing the wrong thing? Do I need to just drop this, say nothing and keep DBing as if it doesn't exist?
