GH, you know that you and I are in very similiar sitch's as far as romance goes. This week in particular I have really backed off. I have found that H is overly nice to me. Is this the distancer/pursurer thing I have read so much about, I don't know. But...I have just let him be. I don't obsess about ANYTHING. I know in my heart that we will work things out. I realize he might have went thru a mini MLC. I have pictures from D9's b-day last Feb. and he has those cold, unfeeling, dark eyes. His eyes are very bright and clear now. If that means anything.....
Anyway, I have chosen to stop thinking about being intimate. Maybe somehow he has picked up on that and the pressure is off. I don't know but things seem so much better between us.
Tiny bit of news. W and I were in the kitchen and the kids had just gone to bed. All night W's undies (the sexy little t-back ones) were hanging out all "teenager style" and it was KILLING me. I seriously doubt she was doing it on purpose, but I did make a few comments. Nothing rude, just that she looked HOT. As usual, my comments didn't seem to register at all. She just acted like she usually does; that anything I say in reguard to her being beautiful or sexy is a joke. Finally I just decided to let her know how that made me feel.
M: W, you know what? After all we've been through, one thing that bothers me as much as anything is that no matter what I say to you in terms of a compliment, you act like it's a joke. W: (Acts like she doesn't know what to say) No, I do take your compliments. It's just that you say that all the time. M: Because you look great all the time, but I get it. It just hurts sometimes to think that you don't take my view of you seriously. W: I do... M: No, I do get it, and I just wanted to tell you how I felt, and find out how YOU felt. I won't do those things nearly as much anymore. It doesn't work for either of us at this point.
She didn't really respond and shockingly enough (to me anyway) we just went on about our business of cleaning together for company tomorrow. No tension, no nothing. Maybe that's good, maybe not.
Now, I KNOW this is probably NOT about her taking my view seriously and probably much more about HER issues but I guess this was the tip of the R iceburg I got out first before the rest surfaces sometime soon.
Reading what was said, I think it was probably the wrong thing to say but it's done now and I don't plan on revisiting it anytime soon. If anything, I feel ok about finally being direct for once and not letting that stew in me. It bothered me, I told her so and moved on. Case closed.
Quote: All night W's undies (the sexy little t-back ones) were hanging out all "teenager style" and it was KILLING me
Gh, don't tell me she didn't know that her "undies" were hanging out all night. BS. You are getting there. She is trying out feeling "hot" with you. You told her how it made you feel. Baby steps, remember? I do this alot lately, and actually it is more about how I feel about myself. The fact the you acknowledged it is HUGE
No, she KNEW they were hanging out but I guess I just meant to say that she'd been wearing those clothes all day, at the gym, with the kids, etc. It wasn't any kind of show for me, but yes, I noticed BIG time, lol.
Ok, first of all, I am sorry in advance to anyone whom I let down because of what I am about to post.
If you have been reading some of my posts lately about snooping, you may have noticed that I backed away from my NO SNOOPING EVER stance. If you were reading between the lines, you MAY have guessed that there was a reason I was doing that. You would have been right.
I am not going to claim I had no choice, or that I just couldn't help it. I made a thought out, rational decision to snoop last night. I was NOT emotional at all and after a long time considering it (over 2 weeks) I decided to do it.
My rational was right in line with my recent views on snooping. I said that I now feel that snooping is ok ONLY if it is to discover something that you DON'T already know is going on.
In my case, my W claims her affair and contact with OM has ended. Now, to be fair, she claimed the affair was over but the no contact I don't really ever remember her committing to. Last time we talked OM she said he still called now and then but that she had not spoken to him in awhile.
In light of the fact that it's been a couple months since their affair ended and supposedly WE are working on OUR relationship exclusively, I made the decision to check my W's phone late last night.
I DON'T know that I made the right decision and I don't make excuses. That said, I don't regret the decision. Like I said in my "snooping" post last week, I still believe that snooping to get DETAILS is wrong and ultimately counterproductive. I also admit that what I did last night...and this morning...may be as well.
SO, as you may have guessed, OM was on the recent calls list from yesterday. He was also on her "dialed" calls list. That's as far as I went other than to confirm that there were no text's as far as I could tell but her phone is new and I don't really know my way around it.
What I know for sure is that this proves nothing. I still don't know they are still seeing each other. Last I heard, he was not even living here anymore. Of course I heard this from her...
You might wonder what prompted this. Well, as I said, my W's words about wanting to work on us have NOT matched her actions and I just wanted to see if this may be why.
Another thing, and the main catalyst for WHEN I decided to do this is that this morning W got a babysitter. The boys are off from school, and have been for a couple weeks. W told me earlier this week when she tried to get some of her DUI stuff taken care of with the boys in tow, that it was really hard to do with them and she needed to get some time this week to finish up. She said she was going to get a babysitter for today, just for a couple hours so she could get the rest of the stuff done.
I actually didn't think much of it when she told me. It seemed like a good idea.
Then last night my paranoid mind kicked into high gear and I started thinking about all the times I have suggested getting a babysitter so WE could go out and how W had never managed to get behind that idea. Now she gets a babysitter for the MORNING, something she has never seen fit to do no matter what she had to do or if she had the boys? Of course, my mind went bad places. It's still there.
I have NO idea if she's seeing him today. Right now, I am 50/50 about whether I think she is or not. I know that it's VERY possible that she's telling the truth but it's also possible she's not.
What this is all about is that my W supposedly recommitted to our marriage. She SAID things were over between them. IF they are not, my behavior needs to change. I need to pull back and do a LOT of things differently.
That's where the problem is. I WILL NOT SNOOP any more. IF I am going to find out anymore, it will be because W tells me. That's my delima. Do I talk to her about this?
I don't want to admit the snooping (another reason why it's bad...it's a LIE WE have to tell) but I feel like I want to talk to her tonight and simply say to her...
"W, I know a couple months ago you said your 'situation' was over. You said you knew you belonged with me and the boys. You said I had the right to expect an open, honest relationship to exist between us and to this point, I think we have had that. I am concerned however by the total lack of progress in terms of 'us' and wonder if it is an indication of something else other than just the time you say you need. Point blank, I want you to look me in the eyes and reassure me that you have not had contact with OM. When was the last time you spoke to him on the phone and when was the last time you saw him in person, and finally, I would like you to reassure me that even if you have seen him, or spoken to him, that it was NOT to continue seeing him. I want to know these things because I have been acting under the assumption that things were a certain way and if they are not, I need to know that so I can adjust my behavior accordingly."
Part of me, I'd say 75% is pretty sure that convo will happen tonight. The other 25% is thinking "So what, you KNEW she was probably still talking to him and she even admitted, before saying he's out of state now, that she saw him occasionally at the gym so what's the problem. Sure she COULD still be seeing him but there has been NO sense of that in the past month+. There has been NO evidence of it and all her previous patterns of lies/ect. have not resurfaced. In short, unless she's become a MUCH better liar, I actually believe that she's not seeing him."
What do I do? Do I confront her? I think I have the right to considering what she SAYS our R is all about right now, i.e. being open and honest. Am I wrong to "accuse" her?
I have to say, all things considered, I am doing fine. I am not that emotional. I am still thinking.
I actually feel some twisted sense of relief because I am step closer to NOT being crazy. I am not saying her still cheating or talking to him is a good thing in ANY way but all this time I have been going crazy trying to figure out what the barrier between us is and if it's still him, at least I know I can stop with all the trying. I will still DB of course, but with a renewed focus on me alone.
I am still able to look at this from all angles but I keep coming back to the fact that no matter what, I want to know why she is still contacting him but I do NOT want to admit the snooping. Is that possible? I don't know. If she asks why I decided to ask her now, I will say because of my fears about the babysitter thing, and that IS the truth...or part of it.
And that's the rub. I want her to be honest with me yet I am going to start out that conversation by being somewhat DISHONEST with her. Do I even have a right to ask her to be honest with me if I am not going to be with her?
Lastly, and I suppose I am just wrong here and I know it, I want to try to call her when she supposedly is down at the courthouse, etc, to try to see if she'll answer or if she'll blow me off the entire time she's away from the house like she used to when she was with OM. I guess it's my "test" to give me at least a LITTLE more faith that she's where she says she is.
Please, I want your help. Am I completely off the path? Am I doing the wrong thing? Do I need to just drop this, say nothing and keep DBing as if it doesn't exist?
gh, the first question you should ask yourself is this: what is my boundry in regaurds to om? will i continue to allow her to talk to him or see him? if not then dont lie to her, tell her you know she has contacted him, that you dont know what is going on but you need to know, that she has to be totally honest with you. you dont have to tell her how you know, that you just know, let her figure it out herself as of why you know. i do think you need to have this conversation with her today, right now, before she goes to where ever she is going. unless you are confortabul with her still in contact with him. which i dont think you are, so confront her let her know you know, and ask whats up with it. do it now, right now
GH - I'm really sorry to hear that you have reason to doubt her again. I have read that there's a withdrawal period (I guess time for grieving the loss of this OP) that restarts every time contact is resumed. If she has in fact been contacting him, this is keeping alive her fantasy and indeed maintaining the wall between you two.
As far as confronting her goes, you know she's going to be upset that you betrayed her by invading her privacy. But the fact is that she's probably going to take this position regardless of your approach. If she's in the least bit guilty, she'll pass the blame off on you. So, that said, maybe you should tell her that you haven't gotten a clear picture yet of whether this OM issue has been resolved on her part, or whether she has committed to no contact. Maybe you can come at it more from an angle of compassion - "I know this period must be hard for you - I'd like to be there for you in any way possible." This IS the truth, right? You're not being deceptive if you tell her this.
You always say that snooping give you a false snapshot of what is actually going on. I guess what I'm saying here is that maybe you ought to try and get the BIG PICTURE from her, rather than asking her for some of that snapshop information so you can tell if she's lying or not.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
