The Neverending Story...GH Saga Continues

[MuddleThrough]

You know muddle, first of all, in the middle of all this, thank you for being here with me now. Your words are really helping me these days.

You're welcome. If I only can "make" you think, and thereby understand yourself and your sitch, half as much as you have done for me I will be quite proud of myself!

You know I felt weird about posting all that "I wanna be him" sounding crap because I KNEW it's not what I meant but I guess I was just trying to say that there are thing about ME that I WANT to bring out more that are probably similar qualities HE had that encouraged her to be who she liked being with him. I hate that I made it sound like I am using that a$$hole as some kind of role model or something.

Why not? I mean, sure, he made some stupid decisions that hurt you, but he's a person like any other and has some of the same traits and characteristics you do just in different proportions. Why shouldn't you use him as a role model? Stripping away all the negative feelings once directed at him liberates you. If you can see him as part of your W's history, like an old BF before you, you are truly free. If you can talk to her about her experiences with him, as if he were an old BF, you R will be closer to liberated.

She just wants to feel like a woman, a desired, admired, respected, loved, WOMAN and most of what I did in the past, ESPECIALLY since the kids have been born has not really fostered that feeling in her. Sure, I can't MAKE her feel something, but I can assure you that my behavior towards her over the years did nothing to help her feel like she wanted to feel and that's the sad part. It's not my fault per se but there are things I can change about me that WILL help, of this I am sure.

I can relate to this. I often look at my W and think or tell her how amazing and womanly she is, but until she feels this - and that will take her acting the way she expects a woman to act - my words mean nothing. So how does one set up a situation in which a female has no choice but to act like a woman?

I am still pounding her over the head with my "need" for sex.

So the question you seem to be pondering now looks to me like: do you stop needing, or just try and find a different way of telling her? Well, the need is always going to be there, and sublimation is not something you can really consciously choose to do. So, tact is the only answer. Maybe try a completely different medium. You've been verbally direct in the past, and now you've been trying physical affection. Maybe try writing notes - and nothing more. Stop all affection and don't speak a word that could even be perceived as an advance. What have you got to lose?

That is one of the reasons why I don't think it's as simple as her not trusting my sincerity. I think there is more to the barrier than that, and it's what I either have to wait out and hope she manages to deal with it on her own, or find out about and try to deal with it together.

I would work towards the latter. Maybe by putting yourself in a somewhat vulnerable position - taking a large emotional risk - will give your W incentive to open up a bit with you. Show her that you trust her - maybe she'll return the gesture.