Quote: So, you're motivated by fear again here? Maybe it's a good thing you're not getting what you want, otherwise you might just become complacent again because your motivation will have ceased to be.
Very good point. Actually, one of the things I HATE recently is that I have already become complacent and there is still a LONG way to go even to get back to "normal" let alone something BETTER than normal, which is my ultimate goal. Again, very good point. I have to look at my motivation and make sure I am operating from something other than fear.
Quote: How can you approach this from a different direction entirely? Have you explored the person OM made your wife feel like? I think this is central to why WASs continue an A - how it makes them feel about themselves, it allows them the opportunity to redefine who they are.
Yes, I have done this extensively. She has told me what he made her feel like and it SEEMS all tied to the passion aspect of their relationship (er, which BTW makes me think she STILL has not told me ALL of the "physical" stuff they did, i.e. sex). She said he was a good listener and though she didn't quite say it, I know she liked the fact that he was strong, both physically and mentally (or so she THOUGHT, until the end when he snapped).
To the point that I can, in keeping with my PERSONAL goals of self-improvement, I have looked at the aspects of OM that are positive and checked to see if those are things I want to work on myself. Some of them are and some aren't. I can't become a muscle bound personal trainer over night, but I can focus more on my fitness, something I already wanted to do. I can't erase years of BAD listening skills but I can learn how to be better, something I knew I already needed to do.
I guess I am saying that I have, through my own speculation and what my W has told me, put together a picture of what she was like with him and while I don't know if we could, or really, if I WANT to be like that, I THINK I understand how she wants to feel and think she can feel that way in our R too given time.
Quote: But, since your W has recommitted, I can't. I think sex is a need that's expected to be filled in all marriages. Not to say you're entitled, but it is expected. Your expectations and desires are just as important and valid as her reasons why she isn't interested or rather afraid. Do you know what these reasons are yet through any direct conversation?
Ok, I agree with you in general, but for me it's all about timing. I KNOW sex is not something I can leave out of my marriage. It is something that I need as part of our relationship and if it never came back into it, I could not continue. That said, it does not have to happen tonight...or tomorrow night, etc. I CAN wait but I guess I am looking for some light at the end of the tunnel, which her "it won't always be like this" comment the other night gave to me to a certain extent.
As for her reasons, well, no, other than her saying she needs more time, she has not elaborated. I have always suspected that one of the big reasons is that guilt over the extent of their physical involvement is holding her back. I THINK she would have to confess that to me before going any further than we have. I don't know that with ANY certainty but it fits for sure. Other than that, who knows. Maybe, as it's been suggested by some other posters, she just needs time to reconnect emotionally before she can get back to "that" place with me.
Quote: This sounds to me like a product of the lack of direct communication between you. If you were to have been more direct about wanting sex when you wanted it, and less indirect about setting up the mood (manipulating W into wanting it too) she might be less wary when you do these things without expectation. She might trust you more now.
No, that would be more of the same from me. I used to leave nothing to the imagination when I wanted sex. She knew it because I would either just come out and say so, or make it SO obvious... Anyway, she HATED that. She HATED that I stopped trying to seduce her or set a "mood" for her. She felt like I just expected her to turn on with a switch and jump into in feet first. For me to be "open" about what and when I wanted it would be just me retuning to the "old" me. She has clearly told me with no amount of subtlety that my "directness" about sex is one of the large reasons why she never wanted to have it. There was no mystery, no romance, no mood what-so-ever, just "Me man, me want sex." It's all part of the issues we have with virtually NO intimacy outside the bedroom.
One thing that I CAN do is talk in general about what I want and need in that respect, and I will do that sooner or later.
Quote: I would say that you should stop sublimating your desires and feelings and start expressing them
Actually, muddle, I think the opposite is the problem. I have yet to sublimate my desires and feelings. I still wear them on my sleeve to the extent that I am pretty sure she still thinks I want sex 24/7 and think about little else. She's right BTW, but I think if I could somehow change that, at least her perception that SEX is all I want, and she is just the most convenient person for me to have it with, a LOT of progress will be made. Again, she has told me that is how she felt most of the time by the way I USED to approach things. Everything I do these days is all about me expressing how I feel about HER and how much I want to be intimate (not just sex) with her but dammit, the fact that I have not HAD sex in somewhere around 9 months clouds the picture a bit and makes it hard for either of us to believe my motivation is anything but a physical longing for sex.
When I can step back and look at the big picture, like I did late last night, I KNOW things are heading in the right direction. I KNOW good things will come to me who waits. It's just those times when I am SO far into the sitch that the big picture is WAY out of my field of vision that I get lost.
