The Neverending Story...GH Saga Continues

[MuddleThrough]

So, we get stuck feeling that everything we say and do will have an effect, good or bad. If I do X, things will get better. If I do Y, it will push them away. So, even though we tell ourselves we can't control anything but ourselves, we're still deluded to think that we DO have control through OUR actions. Wrong. I know that initially most everyone will say "no, I don't think I can control it" but just our very efforts of trying and seeing no results confirms this.

I think muddle and I touched on this in our recent debate on his thread. I don't think we CONTROL them, but we do influence them to a certain extent, and MLC can indeed minimize the amount of that influence, as can an active affair.

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I'll try to keep any philosophy to a minimum here! I think the point is that we work on ourselves and keep the focus on ourselves so that if and when those running away look our way, we will influence them in a way that we intend, not through an emotional response that will work counter to our intentions. I think the key is that THEY have to be receptive. Of course they exist in their own world, but when they look our way, we want to influence them in the best way possible, and that is by being the best we can be.

I want to keep showing her, but I am so afraid all I am showing her is that I am ok with life like is was, without passion and one-sided in terms of affection (me to her). I am NOT ok with those things and I am afraid that she may be testing me, trying to see if I am going to just sit back and be complacent like I was before. I am afraid that she is seeing more of the same thing that helped kill the marriage for her.

So, you're motivated by fear again here? Maybe it's a good thing you're not getting what you want, otherwise you might just become complacent again because your motivation will have ceased to be. How can you approach this from a different direction entirely? Have you explored the person OM made your wife feel like? I think this is central to why WASs continue an A - how it makes them feel about themselves, it allows them the opportunity to redefine who they are. I know in my sitch my W told me pretty much flat out "I could never have a R with him because I couldn't ever trust him" but yet she continues. So, she must like the person she is in that R, or certain aspects of it, more than she likes who she is in REAL life. Maybe you can find this out about your W and focus on bringing it out in her in her real life.

As far as the sex goes, I guess that's an expectation that I have built up that is causing me GREAT damage right now and threatens to damage the process right now. I need to find a way to get rid of that expectation.

If you weren't in a R now, but rather where I am, I think I would agree wholeheartedly with you. But, since your W has recommitted, I can't. I think sex is a need that's expected to be filled in all marriages. Not to say you're entitled, but it is expected. Your expectations and desires are just as important and valid as her reasons why she isn't interested or rather afraid. Do you know what these reasons are yet through any direct conversation?

For me, that would mean somehow not WANTING that, and from there, not pursuing it anymore through my acts of intimacy (little touches, hugs, etc). I am not saying that I ONLY do those thing in hopes of sex, but there IS that component and I KNOW she thinks that's why I do it.

This sounds to me like a product of the lack of direct communication between you. If you were to have been more direct about wanting sex when you wanted it, and less indirect about setting up the mood (manipulating W into wanting it too) she might be less wary when you do these things without expectation. She might trust you more now.

Easily said, but the dynamic of a R with all its history is not easy to change. I think that you need to be a little more brave and come out and tell your W directly what you want when you want it. This in and of itself might change the way she views you. I would say that you should stop sublimating your desires and feelings and start expressing them (not that I really know if and how you're doing this now, but it often comes across that you assume things about how your W views things and she confirms your assumptions, which to me means that you're not communicating directly with each other).