Quote: In DB and other marriage-saving efforts, we learn that we need to look within ourselves and by changing that, it has a profound effect on the M and our spouses. So, we get stuck feeling that everything we say and do will have an effect, good or bad. If I do X, things will get better. If I do Y, it will push them away. So, even though we tell ourselves we can't control anything but ourselves, we're still deluded to think that we DO have control through OUR actions. Wrong. I know that initially most everyone will say "no, I don't think I can control it" but just our very efforts of trying and seeing no results confirms this.
I think muddle and I touched on this in our recent debate on his thread. I don't think we CONTROL them, but we do influence them to a certain extent, and MLC can indeed minimize the amount of that influence, as can an active affair.
Quote: Well, if you are changed and she's still miserable, then it's not you, my friend.
I think I know this but I still take things personally. I'm working on it.
Quote: If you ask her if she's OK and she doesn't' talk, how about initiating a few comments "hey, I know things are tough with your parents and I'm sorry about that, as I know t makes you feel like a kid again and is annoying....
In terms of initiating my convos with her with stuff like "I know it must have been hard to talk to your mom last night. Sorry it was so rough"...I do that all the time. For the sake of a SLIGHTLY shorter post, I sometimes omit those details. That said, I need to do more of that.
Quote: Another thing...I think she's having a REALLY hard time accepting your forgiveness and unconditional love b/c she's feeling horrible.
I really struggle with this. I see SO little evidence that she even thinks about "us" or what she's done in the past. It seems like she is just still unhappy with her life and I am a part of that life she's unhappy with. Again, I still take it personally yet I know that's wrong.
Quote: She's numb and grieving what she did. In some twisted way, it's easier to push the M into the cycle of dysfunction that to take the forgiveness and make it healthy....that means facing your sins and guilt and the goodness in yourself and another.
Again, I just don't see this. It seems easier for me to believe that she is grieving the loss of OM and regretting the decision to come back into the marriage. In my twisted mind, I feel like if she really wanted to be here, she would be doing something to help improve things, but I truly see where you are coming from in what you say.
Quote: So, that being said, a healthy sex drive is the LAST thing on her mind. I know we're asking more patience from you, but at least understand that this has nothing to do with you. You are a wonderful husband, and that very thing, right now, may be part of the issue of her coming forward. But, don't change a thing. Until she realizes that she IS worthy of you and your love, she will be stuck...but you need to keep showing her.
I want to keep showing her, but I am so afraid all I am showing her is that I am ok with life like is was, without passion and one-sided in terms of affection (me to her). I am NOT ok with those things and I am afraid that she may be testing me, trying to see if I am going to just sit back and be complacent like I was before. I am afraid that she is seeing more of the same thing that helped kill the marriage for her.
I truly don't THINK that's what's going on, but it lurks in the dark places of my mind. I believe what you are saying is closer to the truth, I just wish she would TELL me that. I guess I want too much sometimes.
As far as the sex goes, I guess that's an expectation that I have built up that is causing me GREAT damage right now and threatens to damage the process right now. I need to find a way to get rid of that expectation. For me, that would mean somehow not WANTING that, and from there, not pursuing it anymore through my acts of intimacy (little touches, hugs, etc). I am not saying that I ONLY do those thing in hopes of sex, but there IS that component and I KNOW she thinks that's why I do it.
Anyway, as you know, it's complicated.
Always, I love that you posted those things to me because I really feel that more patience is what I need in my sitch. The way you put it, in detail, really helps me define what I need to do.
Again, thank you my friend for giving me these things to think about today. I really needed it. I feel slightly guilty because I never feel I have much to add to your thread...
