In DB and other marraige-saving efforts, we learn that we need to look within ourselves and by changing that, it has a profound effect on the M and our spouses. So, we get stuck feeling that everything we say and do will have an effect, good or bad. If I do X, things will get better. If I do Y, it will push them away. So, even though we tell ourselves we can't control anything but ourselves, we're still deluded to think that we DO have control through OUR actions. Wrong. I know that initially most everyone will say "no, I don't think I can control it" but just our very efforts of trying and seeing no results confirms this.
What I'm learning, mostly b/c my H is in MLC, is that at times, no matter WHAT I do or don't do, it doesn't make a difference...b/c H is in his own world, seeing things through his own filter, has a bag of his own emotions, and it's NOT ABOUT ME. It's been, and still is, the hardest thing for me to understand. Also, the other thing I learned in MLC readings and reflecting on my own poor behavior in M, is that you lash out the worst, about everything in life, on the one thing/person that you know will take it most, loves you most and will not leave. Isn't that sad.
So, how does this apply to your current M? You said W was stressed over other things? True. You said it's not you. True, b/c you're different now, what she wanted, you're happy, you act differently toward her, and most of all, you are offering her unconditional love and forgiveness for a "horrible deed" the A. Great, right? Well, if you are changed and she's still miserable, then it's not you, my friend. It's everything else in life, but she takes it out on you, b/c you're closest and that unhealthy pattern is established. You don't have a pattern of her coming to you for support, for her NOT lashing things out on you, etc. If you ask her if she's OK and she doesnt' talk, how about initiating a few comments "hey, I know things are tough with your parents and I'm sorry abotu that, as I know t makes you feel like a kid again and is annoying....I want to support you through that and know that you don't have to feel that way here...I know it's rough and sorry." It will mean a LOT. Women love it when men are perceptive, but not controlling and fixers.
Another thing...I think she's having a REALLY hard time accepting your forgiveness and unconditional love b/c she's feeling horrible. My H said that it made him feel so bad when I treated him well, and wasn't mad. It's a manifestation of their own guilt. When you feel low, and undeserving, it's hard to accept the greatest gift of all, true understanding and love from another human being. I will admit, that I feel so bad for my actions in M, that I feel the same. I want the forgiveness, but will have a hard time accepting. So she still lashes out and acts cold b/c she can't forgive herself, or even face it. She's numb and grieving what she did. In some twisted way, it's easier to push the M into the cycle of dysfunction that to take the forgiveness and make it healthy....that means facing your sins and guilt and the goodness in yourself and another.
So....your W is going through a LOT of emotions. I hardly think that the issue of physical intimacy with you is even on her mind, or that she is aware it's an issue for you. You're FAR ahead of her now my friend. You need to wait a little. It would be nice if she went for some help now, or opened up, but until then, more patience. Know that this whole phase is NOT ABOUT YOU. You cannot fix this, make it better, work on it, think it through, analyze it.....it's a whole mess of issues in HER mind and life. As much as we try to imagine what it was like for her to start the A, why, the guilt, what happened and be in their shoes and be empathetic and compassionate....YOU WERE NOT the one who did it. We will never feel the pain, the guilt, the remorse that they go through. The confusion, the depression, the humiliation.
So, that being said, a healthy sex drive is the LAST thing on her mind. I know we're asking more patience from you, but at least understand that this has nothing to do with you. You are a wonderful husband, and that very thing, right now, may be part of the issue of her coming forward. But, don't change a thing. Until she realizes that she IS worthy of you and your love, she will be stuck...but you need to keep showing her.
