Ok, today's thoughts are on the fact that I feel guilty a lot of the time I am around W because for the first time in a LONG time, I am truly happy and I act that way. Sure, I am frustrated at my sitch, but for the most part, I am a ball of joy around the house. I am working on NOT feeling bad because I feel good. It seems like a no-brainer but it's one of my BIG issues and a sure sign of codependency.
W on the other hand is miserable much of the time. Not because of our sitch (I don't think) but because the kids are out of school, there are residual DUI things to take care of, money is short (also due in some part to the DUI) and her parents are being d!cks to her. She just doesn't smile that much.
The good news is that when she DOES smile, it's usually because of something I did, so that's good I guess.
I really just wish she could find happiness, and do it from within our marriage. I KNOW I can't give that to her but I would love to contribute to her motivation (lol, muddle) to become happier on her own and then to allow me to contribute directly to her happiness in the form of loving deeds.
These past few weeks have been a strong test of my detachment and I have failed some and succeeded a lot. She is down a lot but I don't allow that to bring me down, nor do I get angry at her mood like I used to. I usually ask her once if there is anything she wants to talk about or something I can do to help, give her a big hug, then I leave her alone. BIG change for me.
Other than that, not much else going on. Hopefully more to report (good) tomorrow.
Good for you GH. You a breaking the cycle by NOT reacting to her moods anymore. I think in time, this will help her to understand herself. She still seems to be a little lost and needs to find her way. Your PMA will be like a beacon shining brightly in a storm filled night. Eventually she will come to realize that having no money, being stuck at home with kids all day and small everyday problems, including parents that treat her like $h^t are just part of life, to deal with it and get over it.
Quote: I think in time, this will help her to understand herself.
Very good point, Mama. I have been kicking this around in my head: my W and I live by 2 totally different philosophies now, I am fully accountable for myself and my actions and I am held fully accountable for my wife's feelings during any interactions I have with her, lol. I often think: this isn't fair, when is she going to realize she's not playing by the rules here. I think you just answered that question for me. I think that it's just a matter of time before some genuine, focused self exploration and evaluation is done on the part of our WASs. I think the fact that we own ourselves and actions starts to make the once very blurry line between us much more defined. They can't help but to acknowledge everything that lies on their side of the line.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Hey, keep the long-winded philosophical discussion on YOUR thread, lol...
That said, I really identify with this...
Quote: my W and I live by 2 totally different philosophies now, I am fully accountable for myself and my actions and I am held fully accountable for my wife's feelings during any interactions I have with her, lol. I often think: this isn't fair, when is she going to realize she's not playing by the rules here.
I hate this too. I know I am responsible for myself now but she still acts like somehow I am responsible for her too. It sucks but I am learning to detach from that too.
Sometimes I hit "shuffle" on my iPod and use it in the same way some people open a Bible to a random page and read, believing that somehow it contains a message for them. Tonight I hit shuffle and a song that I don't think I ever paid much attention to came on. Interesting...
Pushing Me Away by Linkin Park
I've lied to you The same way that I always do This is the last smile That I'll fake for the sake of being with you
Pre chorus: (Everything falls apart, even the people who never frown eventually break down) The sacrifice of hiding in a lie (Everything has to end, you'll soon find we're out of time left to watch it all unwind) The sacrifice is never knowing
Why I never walked away Why I played myself this way Now I see your testing me pushes me away
I've tried like you To do everything you wanted too This is the last time I'll take the blame for the sake of being with you
Pre chorus Chorus (2x)
We're all out of time, this is how we find how it all unwinds The sacrifice of hiding in a lie We're all out of time, this is how we find how it all unwinds The sacrifice is never knowing
Pretty much sums it up right now for many of us.
GH
P.S. I've had a pretty down night (no real reason) so this song probably resonated with me more than it usually would.
Sorry you're feeling down lately. I know you're frustrated but you ARE making real progress. Sometimes you need to take a step back to see things more clearly. I just re-read my threads and I'm amazed at how far I've come. It's also refilled my patience reserves a bit.
Don't listen to Linkin Park unless you want to feel down. Their CD was the 1st I bought after W told me she didn't know if she wanted to work on R. Not bad music just not real positive.
"Our life is what our thoughts make it."
Marcus Aurelius
I LOVE their music but I am the kind of person that can sing the lyrics to a song for YEARS and never once actually stop and listen to what it's about. I don't really listen to music for the words, more for the feeling so it was a surprise to me when I did start to listen to their lyrics and found out that many of their songs seem to have been written when their girlfriends dumped them, lol.
Quote: Sorry you're feeling down lately. I know you're frustrated but you ARE making real progress. Sometimes you need to take a step back to see things more clearly. I just re-read my threads and I'm amazed at how far I've come. It's also refilled my patience reserves a bit.
Thanks SS. I am ok, just a little emotional for no real reason last night.
Journaling...
This morning was another of those really nice, but ultimately frustrating times. I always give W a quick back rub/scratch before I go to work. She asks for this sometimes, I offer most of the time (and yes, I have considered NOT doing this but I'm not there yet). SO, the last two mornings she has been much more "responsive" to my efforts, making little pleasure noises and asking me to stay longer. I have NO illusions that she is trying to get "more" from me since we both know I have to be to work 20 minutes from then but this morning I really thought things were a little "hotter" than usual. She was REALLY enjoying what I was doing and let me know that. She accepted me spooning with her (sometimes...well, a lot of the time these days, she pulls away) and it was a closer connection that we've had in awhile. Anyway, I didn't do it on purpose, but as I was rubbing her leg (she asked), I went too high and she said "my LEG, not my A$$". I was kinda take aback at how strongly she seemed offended that I may have touched her there. Geezus, it's like I am good so long as I don't cross "that" line.
Am I just being impatient and pushing too much? Is her heightened response just a small step and maybe I should not take things farther until she, well, what, SAYS I should? SO much of what I read from women here says that I should be more assertive yet when I do that, she seems to recoil. I want to just ask her WTH, and may do that but I wanted to know if it seemed like this was just a natural progression from NO contact to real intimacy? IS there a time I need to push or is it possible to just let things happen?
I would say that it may be a small step. As far as pushing goes, I think you know that answer. You heard what she said when you "pushed" a little bit by crossing that line. Just try to relax and let things fall into place.
"Our life is what our thoughts make it."
Marcus Aurelius
@linkin park being a downer.