Last night, while looking at a bunch of old pictures of the kids and family, I got really emotional. That hasn't happened in a long time. What really got me is that while I have not posted much about it here, I have been having a LOT of thoughts about when and how I would end my marriage. It's NOT that I want to do this, or will do it anytime soon but my frustration is building and before last night, I thought it may get the best of me.
When I saw all those pictures, all that history, and most of all, all those smiling faces, I KNEW I could not end ANYTHING before a HELL of a lot more fighting and certainly NOT because I lacked the patience to wait or the will to communicate my true feelings when the time comes.
My kids are NOT the reason I want to stay married to my W, but they ARE the reason I now have renewed strength to keep my fight going as long as it takes to win.
I WANT my marriage back, and in a form that will make a happy house for my kids as well as my W and I. I think that can happen and recently I have lost focus. I don't really have MORE focus today but I do remember just what's at stake here, and it's a whole lot more than me getting laid next week or getting a hug initiated by my W. It's about saving what I love from extinction and in the process, allow MY species to continue, i.e. not ever lose myself in the relationship again.
This is hard stuff. It really is. I never thought I would find myself doing these things but in the end, I have to continue to hope that in doing so, I become a stronger, better man.
GH
P.S. Frank's post to HH was just what the doctor ordered for ME too...talk about motivational speaking!
