In reply to: ... but to be very honest I feel she owes me something. It sounds terrible but I did not deserve what she has pulled on me in the last 2 years. Her gripes about me are miniscule compared to the bullsh** that she was up to.
You have every right to feel that way ... now with that said perhaps you should take up Racheal' mantra and "LET IT GO..." After all, how is this thinking going to get you closer to doing what works?
In time, soon after the ILY come from her, I would tend to believe you will also hear "I'm sorry" and then feelings you have about what she put you thru will fade away...
Thanks for the great advice KAW. I realize those thoughts are very unproductive and I am trying to purge them from my system. It just isn't happening very easily today. My PMA goes away more than I would like and gets replaced by anger and resentment. Mostly resentment. Believe me that I know how bad this is and soon that part of me that wants to strangle her will go away. I get down the most when I am tired and oh am I tired. It was a long and fun weekend but now I am paying. There are a lot of details which bother me that I don't have the energy to share here. Just little things that add up to bother me like going places that she went to with her "friends", etc. I don't say anything about this stuff to her and won't but she had no problem taking me to a restaurant for our Ann. that I know she went to with a "friend". To me that is just plain inconsiderate. Anyway, I am just wasteing time on something that I need to put behind me.
I know my new thread is "Let it go", but I am having a very hard time trusting my H. I want reassurances, like seeing his cell phone bill which I can't get ahold of because it goes to the office. Should I ask him to see it for my peace of mind? It's just so hard to believe that he is not having any contact with her after 2 1/2 yrs. Am I just going through another phase or could my instincts be trying to tell me something? I want to ask him to see his cell bill, and I don't know why if he has nothing to hide that he would not let me see it. If he refuses then I would know. ALl this mistust is eatingme up inside. Just the things he's doing-smoking, not wearing his seatbelt-they tell me he's being reckless and maybe it has to do with guilt. I don't want to live in a sitchuation where he is lying to me still and I am just going along with it because I don't know what else to do. I just have this uneasy feeling of mistrust still and I don't know if its real-my gut is telling me something, or its just residue from him having such a long affair. I mean, do you really think he'd break it off cold turkey after that long? I am feeling really insecure about this today. Rachael M.
I hear what you are saying about trying to let go and not being able to. We all have the same struggles it seems. My patience is running low and I just can't seem to feel better. Time to try something different. I am not sure what it is but I need to get out of this rut. It works best to just be her boyfriend and accept what happens. I don't really want her anymore and if I retreat a little those feelings might come back. She will either come back to me 100% or I don't want her back. She has sucked the emotional energy from me so I am done. I will let her chase me for awile and right now I don't even care if she catches me. It is her turn to "earn" me back.
Sorry T-bone, I've been sucked out dry too, I am in a shambles and have hit an all time low. I can;t even tellanyone I'm close to because they would woryy I would harm myself and tell Adrian and he woud view me as being weak or needy or both. He just doesn;t get it. I don't know if I have the strength to go on either like this. For what? I'm trying to win him back-why should He have left? I was a good wife and Mother-even he says so. He's jsut not happy himself and displaces it on me and I can't handle it. I need someone that cares about ME for once. I'm going to detach also becasue I don;t know what else to do for myself before I go mad or do something really stupid. I have NO answers, and no one can help me but me now. Rachael M.
Be strong and change your behavior, your feelings will follow. I am trying to leave my crutches behind and walk on my own. I was very confused just a couple of days ago but right at my darkest hour things turned good. Have faith and hope and the good things will happen. The last time you were at the bottom things improved right? It will happen again. You have to believe that. I do, and last night my sitch turned for the better. My W and I got into an OR talk two days ago and she asked me why I was unhappy. I told her that it hurt me that she didn't reciprocate my ILY. She said she was trying and to be patient. Fair enough, I thought. I told her what I needed but she wasn't ready to give it. I said that is okay but that is what is holding me back. We spent the day together yesterday and then last night at bedtime she finally said ILY. It wasn't in response to my ILY, it was on her own. She also asked me to be her very best friend forever. I agreed to that. We had lost out friendship awhile back and she started looking for friendship elsewhere. We obviously are not "fixed" because of this breakthrough but we are on a new and higher level. Friends are there for one another and support each other through all. I think we can do that. I will continue to work on my acceptance and I hope she will continue to work on her honesty.
My work has suffered for 6 months because of my sitch so I am officially retiring today to focus on that. I am not a very good DBer and know there are far wiser people on this BB than me so the good advice will continue. In closing I want to leave a few ideas:
1) Acceptance is huge (of life, our sitch, our SO) 2) Don't be a doormat 3) Be their friend 4) Tell them your feelings and needs (when they "come back" 5) Be their boy/girlfriend (look good, seduce, have fun) 6) Be far more patient than me 7) Don't get complacent once they come back
You all have taught me a lot about life. I now feel like God put me through this to teach me some life lessons. I feel more balanced and wise now because of this. I feel my family is very precious and I won't repeat history and put that in limbo. I realize doing this is jinxing me but I am not worried about it. I have faith.
T-bone, I am very happy for you! I know you have waited a long time for some significant change in your W. I think you saw it coming and then when it wasn't there when you wanted it to be you felt lost again and discouraged. I want to change my behavior,but my behavior seems to be running me these days. I am trying very hard to overcome all the self doubt and feelings of low self esteem that come along with the discovery of an Affair. My biggest fear of course is can he be trusted? That has me in a panic state most of the time and I don't know how to calm myself from it. I couldn't take another betrayal-this one shattered me into fragments. I'm not anywhere near where I need to be with my PMA and I know that's not good. I am strong in front of my H and that's about all I can say. Otherwise I sit around fretting if he is talking to her still or seeing her and I don't know how to stop. How do you STOP?? I feel so alone in all this as you can't keep hashing it ocver with your friends or family so you just keep it to yourself or come here to post your feelings. I want so bad to be his best friend,just like you wanted to be your W's, and also for her to say ILY. My h says ILY but does not act like my best friend. He says conversation is strained between us-it's because he won't open up with me. I feel like I'm being compared to the OW in that respect. How do we get past this to where we are talking to eash other as friends? He's gone for 8 days now so I won't have the chnace to see him face to face until next sunday. I was so afraid yesterday that he saw the OW or called her to say goodbye. I have no way of knowing if I can trust. How do you move past that? DO you know any way? I am so plagued by this mistrust that it is eating me alive. I wish I knew how to detach from it. Enjoy where you are with your W. It will only get better as time passes, that's what I beleive for us too. It's what keeps me going. I keep thinking in time I will trust him again and I can start to live a normal life again. The other day when I was at rock bottom I just kept crying, asking myself where did my happy life go? We used to be so happy and carefree, now I feel trapped in this nightmare. I just want my life back T-bone. I know you can understand that. Thanks for responding,I REALLY am happy for you! Rachael M.
