Quote: OK, correct me if I'm wrong. You are saying that she has never really been that passionate? You married her knowing that she was that way and now because of your sitch you are trying to change her? Do you really want to try and control her that way? Do you really think you can? Do you get my cynical point?
Yes, I do get your point. Here's the thing. I wasn't that passionate either. I never really understood that. I never understood how I was contributing, or NOT contributing to the passion in our relationship. I know that she HAS been passionate with men in the past, and men that were, well, passionate towards her I suspect. The one man in particular, the one she was engaged to until she found out he cheated multiple times on her, she said she used to instigate and be much more forward with. Who knows, maybe that's why she isn't now. It's not so much that she was hurt by him but that she equates her open sexuality, or having it come "too easy" to a man as somehow driving him to cheat. I have no clue.
So, yes, I get what you're saying but I guess I am trying to get us BOTH to a place where we BOTH say we want to go in our marriage but have never been with each other, but HAVE been with other people...W most recently with OM, sigh.
Well, I did it...kinda. I told you it would not be a pre-planed event, that it would come in the flow...and it did.
I was sitting at W's computer downloading her British soap that she likes to watch. She said something about me not doing something and I came back with "Yea, well what's up with you not doing 'other' stuff? She gave me the "look" that I get most every time I seem to be talking about sex or anything relating to it. It's a look like "You're being silly now." I swear, that's the look. No more serious than that. I turned arond in my chair to face the monitor, paused a second and turned back to look her in the eyes and said...drum roll...
"So, I have been trying to think of the best way to talk about this...So what's up with 'that'. Do you see the way things are as how it's always going to be?"
W turned around to face the sink, looking a bit uncomfortable. She then faced me and said "No." I responded "I know you are not happy with the way you look right now (she's been CONSTANTLY complaining about her weight) but I LOVE the way you look." and gave her a little smile.
That was it.
I don't know why, but between the body language and the directness of it all, it was all I needed right now. I believe her when she said no, and the WAY she said it conveyed that she knew what I was talking about (well, there was really no question about that) and had been thinking about it.
I am not mind reading, just willing to accept the power a LITTLE info may have in our sitch. I let her know that I want things to change and she let me know she did too.
I will still probably expand on the convo soon, but for now, it's a start. Honestly, I really didn't expect her to answer the question. I thought I would get an "I don't know" or some other excuse. A simple "No, it won't be this way forever" conveyed a lot to me.
Quote: I think your comment to her was a gentle way of letting her know you are not happy with the status quo. The rest of the convo CAN come later....
That's just it Leslie, I have a knack for being REALLY heavy handed when it comes to these kinds of convos. I get myself so worked up that I just lay it on REALLY thick and things end up getting heated. Somehow I usually come accross as attacking her or defensive, or both. This time I just saw the opportunity to be direct (sorta anyway) and yes, let her know that I was not happy with the status quo, but more than that, I am curious about how SHE feels about it.
I think the door is now open to have the full talk when things seem right. I think she may even start that talk.
I can't say I'm not frustrated anymore because clearly I am, and since that's not how I want to live permanantly, I WILL do something about it in due time. Right now, it's back to being the happiest mf-er on earth again and play with my kids...
On the other hand, I bought two more scented candles today. Told W that I thought it must be like starting a camp fire and that I must need more kindling to get the fire going, lol. She laughed...
Last night, while looking at a bunch of old pictures of the kids and family, I got really emotional. That hasn't happened in a long time. What really got me is that while I have not posted much about it here, I have been having a LOT of thoughts about when and how I would end my marriage. It's NOT that I want to do this, or will do it anytime soon but my frustration is building and before last night, I thought it may get the best of me.
When I saw all those pictures, all that history, and most of all, all those smiling faces, I KNEW I could not end ANYTHING before a HELL of a lot more fighting and certainly NOT because I lacked the patience to wait or the will to communicate my true feelings when the time comes.
My kids are NOT the reason I want to stay married to my W, but they ARE the reason I now have renewed strength to keep my fight going as long as it takes to win.
I WANT my marriage back, and in a form that will make a happy house for my kids as well as my W and I. I think that can happen and recently I have lost focus. I don't really have MORE focus today but I do remember just what's at stake here, and it's a whole lot more than me getting laid next week or getting a hug initiated by my W. It's about saving what I love from extinction and in the process, allow MY species to continue, i.e. not ever lose myself in the relationship again.
This is hard stuff. It really is. I never thought I would find myself doing these things but in the end, I have to continue to hope that in doing so, I become a stronger, better man.
GH
P.S. Frank's post to HH was just what the doctor ordered for ME too...talk about motivational speaking!
GH, Your post reminded me of a time closer to the beginning of my sitch when I spotted my H looking a this wonderful photo album my MIL made for my daughter on her 10th birthday. It was her (our) whole life beginning with her ultrasound pictures. On this particular day my H looked at it at least twice. He seemed lost in the pictures and contemplating things in his mind. I know the kids are a huge reason he is still here. Like you said, staying together for the sake of the kids alone is really not good enough. Therefore I am trying so hard to get back that loving feeling with my H. I want to be good role models for my children. I don't want my kids to grow up thinking that a wife can allow her H to lie and cheat.
Quote: I don't want my kids to grow up thinking that a wife can allow her H to lie and cheat.
I'm going to argue semantics once again, but I think it's important to make the distinction that we don't "allow" our spouses to do anything. The role model I think we need to project is one of a person who won't allow themselves to remain static and passive when confronted with a situation like this. We want to be able to tell them that when they are confronted with issues relating to THEIR spouses and their spouses behavior, that it's entirely appropriate to establish boundaries and enforce them but not in an attempt to control THEM, but to control ourselves.
I wife CAN allow her H to lie and cheat so long as he knows that eventually HIS actions are going to lead to him not being her husband for very long once it's established that she will no longer remain in such a relationship.
