Quote: Hi GH, I just want to say that I appreciate your input on my thread. Sorry I do not have any advice to offer you right now, but I am going to read up on your sitch.
You're welcome and no problem...oh and good luck on the "reading up" part...hope you have a few days, lol.
Quote: It is hard to want the affection and romance but I believe others are right when they say it will come with time.
I called a DB counselor 2 yrs ago and one thing I remember her saying (she was a WAW) is that once she got back with her H, it took her a year to have "feelings" for her H again. A year of doing things with him, holding hands, and other stuff I presume. She said it is very gradual but feelings do follow actions.
I have to tell myself that all the time as my H is not affectionate or he tries but I can tell his heart isn't in it. Have to remember not to push or insist on our needs being met yet I guess. Hard as heck!!
So keep focusing on you and H and doing things together. If OW pops in your head, envision a big red stop sign and stop the thought!! You have control over your thoughts!!
It's this kind of thing, as I have read from successful people around here, that makes me think that my REAL problem is impatience, NOT the lack of intimacy. The intimacy issues are probably normal in a sitch like mine, with a history like mine, but my impatience is NOT helping things any.
Thanks for finding this info GH. It is very helpful. Patience is my weakness as well. I'm like this in all aspects of my life - I want instant gratification.
Again, we should be grateful at the progress that we have made in saving our M's. It appears to me that my H wants to remain in our M. Just as I have a hard time trusting him, he may not trust me either. He may not trust that the new person I am learning to become is for real. He has all kinds of issues he needs to deal with on his own, on his own time table.
I am learning to break the pursuit cycle. I am an emotional pursuer who reduces my anxiety by sharing feelings and seeking close emotional contact. My H is an emotional distancer who reduces his anxiety by withdrawing. The more he withdraws, the more I pursue. I accuse him of being cold and unresponsive then he accuses me of being hysterical and controlling. I am learning to take care of myself. I have been spending real quality time with my kids during the day while H is at work. I have stopped calling him just to say Hi. We just go about our day. He usually ends up calling me now. I do not ask him where he has been, I would rather he say nothing than lie. Maybe in time he will start to pursue me, wouldn't that be great?!
Quote: Just as I have a hard time trusting him, he may not trust me either. He may not trust that the new person I am learning to become is for real. He has all kinds of issues he needs to deal with on his own, on his own time table.
A BIG Amen to that. Actually, I think if it's possible, my W trust me LESS than I trust her right now. She's back and I think she's really afraid of what she's gotten herself into. She does NOT trust what she sees. I think SHE believes nothing I say and only 1/2 of what I do, lol.
Quote: I am learning to break the pursuit cycle. I am an emotional pursuer who reduces my anxiety by sharing feelings and seeking close emotional contact. My H is an emotional distancer who reduces his anxiety by withdrawing. The more he withdraws, the more I pursue.
100% the same here although I think my W would LIKE to share with me but doesn't trust how I'll react. I used to be REALLY bad at listening and not trying to fix everything for her. I am better now but it may take time for her to really believe that. More nights like last night will help.
Quote: I accuse him of being cold and unresponsive then he accuses me of being hysterical and controlling.
We never get so far as to actually accuse each other but I know from R talks in the recent past that this is how we each feel about the other.
I had a thought at lunch. I think I am going to try to be the happiest MF-er that ever lived this weekend. I am going to be so freaking happy, W will think I am high. I am going to try to just love my life and those people in it and NOT let the little things that I ALWAYS let get to me, bring me down. I am going to have fun with my boys. I am going to watch a movie I have wanted to see for a long time. I am going to cook my family dinner and let my kids cut loose.
In short, I am going to have UBER-PMA!
I have never really tried this before. Wonder what their reaction will be...probably that for the first time ever, GH sniffed, injected, drank or smoked something mind altering, lol.
Subway Chicken Pizziola on Parmesan Oregano bread, light onion, extra parmesan cheese and some more oregano...oh, and have them put the garlic butter on the bread.
Quote: She was passionate before and she didn't get that way by herself. You contributed something to that! Find that and you should be (in time) on your way.
Actually, not so much. As I have said in previous threads, she usually got into sex once it was happening but it was usually still all me.
Quote:
I think it might because I think if she trusted me not to reject her she may be able to open up and get back to at least the level of "passion" she had in the beginning of our marriage, and then from there, expand on it.
Sorry it took me long long to get back to your post, been busy GAL outside the forum, lol.
OK, correct me if I'm wrong. You are saying that she has never really been that passionate? You married her knowing that she was that way and now because of your sitch you are trying to change her? Do you really want to try and control her that way? Do you really think you can? Do you get my cynical point?
"Our life is what our thoughts make it."
Marcus Aurelius
