Ok, this is probably a bad thing to say because it's akin to accepting the "bad" marriage again, but you know what, I bet more than a few of us, myself defiantly included in this, had relatively little or no intimacy long before the affair and just considered it part of normal married life. So what's the difference now?
I AM NOT SAYING we accept it, merely that we stop thinking of it as meaning there is NO MARRIAGE. Of course there is still a marriage without intimacy and sex, just not the kind we want. We are now AWARE of our desire for more than just a co-parenting situation with our best friend but I can honestly say that for years, I accepted that as the "norm" and did little to change it.
I can take a few more...well, whatever, to give that time to change, all the while working on my personal baggage and enjoying what my marriage DOES have, which is a great friendship (yea, I know Sarnach people, that is not necessarily all good), much more open communication, great kids, a great home and a lot of other things that we should be happy with.
I think I need to step back and realize that before all this I didn't think the lack of intimacy was anything even to work on, let alone worry about. Damn, how stupid was I?
I need to tap back into that "inner stupidity" again and realize that I CAN endure more of this if the goal is to make sure it never comes back again once we finally banish it to marriage neverland.
Just a bit of general journaling...
I wanted to post this because I thought it was interesting. Reading Passionate Marriage, I came across an example of a couple that seem to have a similar dynamic to my W & me. In this example, the wife had what looked to be low sex-drive and the H would always pursue her. It got to the point that his pursuit just drove her further into not wanting it from him. When his pursuit didn't work, he'd resort to belittling her and insulting her into having sex with him. In the end, she never really WANTED to have sex as much as had been guilted or pressured into it and it eventually killed her desire.
This was presented in a way that sounded awfully familiar. I often used (and sadly still do) humor or sarcasm when my W does not respond to my advances. I'm sure I make her feel bad and overall, it's not a pleasant experience for her. Instead of accepting her the way she is, I think i paint a picture of her that something's wrong because she doesn't want sex and especially with me. I have never given her a chance to WANT ME because I have spent so much time "pecking" at her as Sarnach describes in that example. Morning, noon and night I would peck, jabbing here and there until she relented, giving in to my desires, but I doubt really ever having much of her OWN desire fulfilled.
Once again, if I only knew then...
Anyway, I DO know now and I am working very hard to change that part of me, all the while, starting to turn my focus towards the many "good" parts of my marriage and away from it's problems, real or otherwise.
