Just a general state of the union. I have been doing less of my "introducing intimacy" stuff lately. It hasn't worked and frankly, I am getting frustrated. I am going to give it a rest. I am reading stuff in PM suggesting that my pursuit could be causing her to retreat even more. I know there has been a debate about whether I should be more or less assertive. For now, I am going to go with less. I DON'T want to be seen as flip-flopping on this issue, but then again, where there's no cheese, I shall not go.
W also seems sad these days. She's never really a bubbly person but she's even more tired than usual and less animated. I want to ask her what's wrong, but last night, as a bit of a test, I let her mood go. I resisted my HUGE urge to ask her to talk about "whatever". To my surprise, she pulled out of the mood a bit and was more happy later. I guess my "fixer" needs to be put away more often. So too does my attachment to her moods. I found myself pulled down by her again. Gotta stop that.
To me, the test on whether to talk R or not talk R is if you can manage to not have the stuff you're thinking about contaminate your daily life, especially your interactions with your spouse. In my case, I am still maintaining, but it's getting harder by the day. I am becoming more angry and frustrated and holding it in is not going to work much longer. I KNOW I should either be able to get past that or express myself directly and honestly, but I don't think I have anything new to say to her. I still want more intimacy, something I have communicated in several different ways. I still want, well, just MORE and she knows that. What would ONE MORE TALK do?
I have to find a way to take my C's advice to lay low for awhile and see how things play out. That advice, coupled with what PM is talking about in terms of the person that LEAST desires sex in the marriage controls it, is leading me to believe that all this preoccupation I have with "what's wrong" with us is causing me to be WAY too negative. I need some PMA in a big way. I know I sound like I have some, but these days, it's really hard. I WANT to sound upbeat and happy but sometime in the course of my time at home, the bad thoughts creep in and I find that I'm not happy anymore. I DO often catch this, but I know W knows something's up.
I guess the REAL issue here is that while she SAYS she is back in the marriage, and we have both agreed on things that need work, especially in the intimacy area, I don't see ANY change in her behavior despite a change in mine. She is still very cold and seemingly uninterested in me in any physical way.
Ah, the familiar refrain. Someday I will bump the player and get the needle off that stuck record.
