Situation stable, minor improvements daily

[RMC]

T-bone, its gotta be normal to fel weird when a hange comes about so suddenly. I mean, you do think if they can change for the good so fast, then they can change the other way just as fast. That's our survival mechanism kicking in. No different than my H coing home and saying he'll be faithful and have no contact with the OW after a 2 1/1 yr affair. It's just darn hard to believe, but it happens everyday. In one day everything can change, for the good or the bad.
It really was probably more gradual than you think-it's just that it's gotten really good lately. Like my H was probably ready to get away from the OW for a while before he actually did it but it was the one day he told her that matters.
ITs like they take one step forward and then 2 backwards for a while the they take 2 foreward and one backward and then they start taking foreward steps with no backwward steps for awhile and we grow suspicious-it's out of character from what we are used to with them. We are always waiting for the other shoe to drop so to speak,because it always has in the past. Maybe just maybe it won't happen this time! Lets hope! Rachael M

[tbone]

I keep getting the same advice that I give. Just enjoy what you have and don't read too much into things. I am working on that. I am also not trying to place so much emphasis on the Anniv. I can't help it that I am romantic and thrive on these sorts of days. Today is actually the 12th anniv. of the day we met. I wrote her a short letter acknowledging that fact and talked about our wedding day and the birth of our S. I plan on picking up a dozen flowers to go with it. I know she won't be expecting it. We already agreed to not buy anything big for each other. We have several fun days planned so that will suffice. I still picked up a couple of different cards to give to her at different times during the celebration. I hope she doesn't feel overwhelmed but I always do these things. Any thought on whether I am "overdoing it"?

TBONE

[RMC]

T-bone-Most women would kill for those kinds of things but you have to remember you are not dealing with "most women", you are dealing with your W. Does she like those kinds of things? I read once that we love our S the way WE want to be loved. We need to love then the way THEY need it. I think the flowers are a nice gesture,but I'd slow down just a tad bit and see how it pans out. ya know-too much of a good thing and all.
I'd feel it out. See what happens with the first time you give her something. If she is thrilled, I'd still wait awhile. If she is not as thrilled as you'd like her to be its about her-not you , and I'd slow way down. Now as you know, I'm NO expert at this stuff, BUT, I do know that when Adrian and I first got back together I got him a card and left it inside his desk. I came back the next day to see it in the trash-not out on display where I would have put it if it were me. He read it and obviously did not think much of it.I had yet to show him by actions. SO...I did not do that again until several months later-just recently I bought him card blank inside so I could write my own words-thanking him for supporting me emotionally (act as if) and financially(he does do that)and ,most of all for loving me. I left this one on his dresser at home-not at work. He read it and said "your welcome". I really wanted him to know I appreciated him. Still no huge response, but talk is cheap. Actions speak louder than words. They want action. The kind of action that attracts us to them. DO more of what your doing because it seems to be working. Try the other but don't get freaked out f she does not get as excited as if the tables were turned and she was gving it to you. I have yet to recieve flowers from Adrian. He knows I love to get them. When he finally does give them to me I know it will be totally because he wanted to do it for me, I have thought about dropping hints,but what good is it if you have to ask for it? Take it slow, and don't get discouraged. Maybe she'll surprise you-she's been doing alot of that lately. Rachael M.

[tbone]

Thanks Rachel,

She was very touched by the letter and flowers and made some comments about not deserving it. Those comments confirmed what I had thought about her state of mind. She feels undeserving and that is why she has a hard time accepting things from me. I believe she has major guilt right now that she is working through. I guess she should for all of the crap she pulled. I just hope she doesn't pull a "you are too good for me" at some point. The truth is that if they say that they are probably right. I have a crazy day ahead and then we are going away for a couple of days. I will update when I get back. It will probably be more of the same. Slow progress.

TBONE

[KAW]

Hi Tbone,
Yes this sounds very similar about a month back on my thread. It seems you are enjoying some of that "bliss" I had mentioned. You should go back and read the advice you gave me and use it for yourself.

Seriously you are experiencing the insecurity that swells the longer we feel things are going just TOO well. What you said about just living in the moment and don't worry about "the other shoe" holds true more so now than ever before. There will be future downslides (as compared to backslides - these are on a smaller scale, like compared to climbing the Rockies now we are now hiking thru the Appalachian Trail), but like Racheal put it instead of 1 step forward - 2 steps back ... its now 2 steps foward - 1 step back.

As I mentioned on my thread earlier, we seems to be just as guilty of accepting our spouse's 180's as they were fearful of accepting ours...

Just keep doing what works Tbone, continue having fun and enjoying life with the people you love ... life doesn't get any better than THAT, does it?!

'til later,
KAW

[tbone]

Thanks Kaw,

Good to hear from you again. I think knowing your sitch is making me a little paranoid about my own. That whole changing too fast routine hits home. What you are saying is right on target and it sure is easier to follow someone else's advice instead of your own. My W is very passionate in everything she does and feels. She didn't want me 6 months ago and now she thinks she doesn't deserve me. That confuses me incredibly. My biggest mistake is probably trying to logic through things. I will get through this but I definitely have to change the way I think and react. I am a snapshot person. I react too much and too quickly to an individual sitch instead of seeing how it would play out. My stress level is high which makes it hard to change that. Maybe the next couple of days will help with that. I think my W has something special planned beyond what we have talked about. She has never been able to keep a secret and she keeps talking about our anniv. like she is up to something. Should be fun either way.
I might even get an ILY. Who knows.

I have not forgotten how fortunate I am to be in this position. The pain isn't that far behind me and helps me to not get complacent.

TBONE

[tbone]

I wish I knew what to think about my sitch. Things appear to be good but I am still not satisfied. My W changed dramatically in a very short period of time. We just celebrated our 10th anniv. and everything went well except for a few things. I got her two cards and she got me none. I said ILY and she did not. She did not because I am pretty sure that she doesn't love me. I happen to have most of the qualities that she wants in a man but I don't think she loves me. You have heard this from me before but an ILY was the breakthrough that I was hoping for last week. To be honest, as well as things have been going, I am not happy. The better things get the more I expect to hear ILY and it isn't happening. Why do I need her to love me? I really don't know. I don't want to confront her on this because I don't think it would be very productive.

I feel kind of lost today. I should be appreciative but I deserve the "whole thing". What more can this woman want? I feel like she is being very ungrateful. I accepted her actions, forgave her, and changed my behavior. I realize patience isn't my strong suit but I certainly am frustrated right now. Mainly with her lack of remorse or expalantion. I will get over this but I also feel like I deserve more. Am I handling this right by going with the flow or am I simply experiencing instant gratifcation that will lead to long term pain.

TBONE

[RMC]

T-bone, You are not wrong to want to hear ILY from your wife! Everyone wants that. Some of us get it and some of us don't. Look how long Andy had to wait. SHe is moving forward, so it may happen in time. WE want what we want NOW, and it does not work that way in this stuff. My H is flashing back to his youth. Mattie said he may. He's smoking, not wearing his seatbelt, acting reckless like he did as a teen. I have to be patient and wait for him to go through this period. It's not easy. You just wonder WHY do they have to go through all this crap, and why do we put up with it? Because we love them. Rachael M.

[KAW]

Hi Tbone,
Whenever we set a timeline to our expectations, odds are we will be disappointed most of the time (its just like playing the lottery). You had the expectation of hearing ILY last weekend, but one thing that has not changed from the start is that you are not in control of the timeline in which you hope to meet your goals - she is! It is a fact we have to come to terms with. Look at Andy ... it was two years he waited. Don't mean to get you down, but you need to regain the determination that got you this far. Best way is to avoid setting up a time line to achieve your expectations. It simply does work! Will you eventually hear ILY from your W ... if you continue with the progress you have made up to now, I certainly believe so! BUT nobody here can predict when. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and you will get there...

I think the same is true about you not being happy at this point in R. It is your perception that you feel you should be happy with the way things are now, but you are still on the path of your journey of achieving a happy M. Again it is an expectation you have over a sitch you do not have complete control over. At the risk of sounding like a Hindu priest, you cannot achieve what is at the end of the quest during the midst of the journey and a long journey it is... First there is trying to get your S to come back to you ... then piecing ... then mending those pieces together ... etc ... etc ...

What you have taught me, Tbone, is to seek the glimpses of happiness one can grasp along the way, collecting them for a collage of memories we can look back upon one day and smile. This is what allows us to continue the journey.

My W and I have had a breakthru of sorts this weekend (one I have yet to post on my thread, wanted to reply here first), where she said she has been giving it much thought lately and is now convinced that we together will marry off our daughters, and enjoy our grandchildren. It just takes time for them to think it through and to trust what they feel is for real.

'til later,
KAW

[tbone]

KAW,

You should be a happy man with the latest news. Someday I will get a breakthrough like that. I know timelines aren't a good idea but to be very honest I feel she owes me something. It sounds terrible but I did not deserve what she has pulled on me in the last 2 years. Her gripes about me are miniscule compared to the bullsh** that she was up to. If I am too accepting of her I run the risk of going through this all again. If I want apologies and remorse from her she calls it re-hashing. The only alternative is to do continue to focus on the good.

I will get over this "feeling". I keep forgetting how "screwed up" I am right now from all of this. Someday I will feel like myself again.

TBONE