Life is very good on my end. Yes, even better than a couple of days ago. We have a golf outing today, teach an engagement enrichment class tomorrow morning, taking the kids to an outdoor festival and celebrating the oldest S b-day on Sunday (8 years old). I am looking forward to all of it.
Yesterday, her "friend" came back to help us "texture" the walls. We all had a good time and he told my W that he and I have more in common than anyone else he knows. Yes, it still seems weird to most but not me. I think my W appreciates my security in that it doesn't bother me.
Rachel,
It was your b-day yesterday so I let you off the hook but today you will not be so lucky. STOP PURSUEING!!! That is DB rule #1. Stop initiating, stop asking him the same questions, stop worrying about his "contact" with her. Just stop it! You are trying to chase him away again. You seem to be using sex as a "test" of his fidelity. I think he feels that and doesn't like it. I certainly wouldn't. Don't ask him questions because he could just be lying when he answers you anyway. My W did and I think most do. The answers don't really mean anything. You obviously know that because you keep asking them. I am only "beating you up" because I did the same stuff and it hurt my progress. You are not focusing enough on yourself. That is the best way to not focus on him. In my eyes you are backsliding right now and have to change your behavior or it will continue.
One last thought. I think your H may have opened up and told you all of the things you wanted in your last C session for a reason. He meant them but he was secretly hoping it would make you back off. It is pure speculation but doesn't that make a lot of sense. He hates the pressure so he gave you every reason to back off and you didn't. If I am right, you failed his test, at least up until now. Lets assume I am right. What do you do now? BACK OFF! Don't lose the ground you have gained. His motorcycle trip will give you some room but start now anyway. Oh, don't expect immediate changes from him either. Give him time to see that you are genuinely backing off. Best of luck.
ok-Your right. I need to stop asking him the same questins over and over-although its not as often as you think! We need to talk. HE never initiates anything but "safe" conversation, and that's ok. We talked alot more about his work last night than anything. He started in on that I think in order to get off the R talk which was ok. I said what I had to say-LOVINGLY and non accusitory. I thnk he understands how all this makes me feel. He can't be a doormat in this relationship-I simply stated my concerns and asked him for what I needed. Aren't we suppose to do that? He did not seem the least but upset by it. Matter of fact he was even more loving this morning (No sex though) and just a little while go told me he loved me on the phone and he really sounded genuine. I think he really wants me to believe him. He's such a dunce-it would not take much at all in the way of conversation to reassure me. I guess he thinks he is but I told him I need to know by his ACTIONS. Now, We'll see if and how anything becomes of it. If not, I will not say another thing about it, until C on the 22nd. She has to get a feel for where we are , but it is a safe envirnment,and we really get alot accomplished in there by opening up. SO, Lily tells me to go buy a thong. What do you think? DO you think it would help? I guess it couldn;t hurt. I also talked to hm about quitting work when I go back and going back to school in the spring. HE seemed ok with it. He says he wants us to be able to talk about stuff and he never talks! Unless its about work-boring!! But I listen and try to give feedback. He is a businessman and that's how he thinks (unfortunately)He compares everything to business and it drives me crazy. Again he does not know this. I am hopng for some GROWTH in the communication dept through C. So, should I initiate or leave him alone? Lily said she figured out she had to be the one to initiate. That's a 180 for us. HE ALWAYS used to be the one that could not get enough. I figure I'll let it go through the weekend and try to connect at some other level besides sex. I think that's what he's looking for. CLoseness other than sex. Well, he'll get it, and alot of it this weekend. I'll pretend the sex thing is not going to bother me,and show him I'm not preturbed about it like HE alwasy used to get. Now maybe he knows how it feels. Anyway. I'm a yr older now, so does that mean I'm wiser today? Hope so! Rachael M. BTW-I am happy things are going so well for you!
Rachael, I really think your missing Lily's point about the thongs! Lily REALLY ... REALLY ... REALLY ... LIKE to wear thongs. They make HER feel good. If Sage likes them too, then that is a very good fringe benefit. You need to focus on answering what makes Rachael feel GOOD and it can not be related to H. It is all about YOU. What can you do that makes you feel good about yourself. What can you do to have some fun? This has been brought to your attention several times, but I have not seen you post any answers here yet except that you may want to go back to school. Have you thought anymore about that? The more Rachael feels good about herself and is more lively and having fun, then the more your H will be interest in you! When you ask people here what should you do, they are telling you the answers are different for each individual, because only you know what will make Racheal feel GOOD !!! Is it thongs...? or is it boxers? The answers have to come from inside you and it has to be for just you!!!!!! Leave H out of the equation. But H will benefit big time too.. It really is a win - win proposition.
I don't have a lot to say. It seems most of the sitch's on this board are moving forward. That is very nice to see. My sitch is no different. The past two weeks have been darn near perfect. This past weekend was absolutely incredible. Lots of fun times with the kids and by "ourselves" .
I think my W MLC is over but I still have my fingers crossed. Her selfishness has lessened dramatically and instead of bringing out the worst in one another we are bringing out the best. We taught the engagement enrichment class on Saturday and that went very well. The couples really appreciated our "honesty" and real life stories.
I wish I could give out the formula that helped OR work but I have no idea what turned it around. It was a back and forth process for awhile but I think the "backslides" are done. The biggest factor is that she "chose" to change her behavior. It was her choice to help me stop the downward spiral and turn it around. Most of you have read my threads so you can make your own assessments. All I know is that I am a very lucky man who is very happy right now.
T-bone-I am very happy for your sitch! What a wonderful thing to finally think your through the MLC ordeal! What that must feel like I can only imagine.I believe Adrian is out of the tunnel and so do most of those who answer my posts, but that does not mean it is over I have come to learn. He still has his days when he is distant and I wonder what's that all about and wonder if he is having contact with the OW, but I guess we all do that. You cannot be betrayed for 2 1/2 yrs and go to instant trust no matter how much your S wants you to. They just don't seem to get that it takes a long time to rebuild it and in that time we are going to be insure and have questions and need reassurance. I understand that we cannot go around constantly asking for it,but in my case my H has asked me to come to him when I need it and I have. Some people on here say do not put the OW in front of him. She already is! She has been for a long time and I would be a fool to think that he does not think of her from time to time. Now, in what capacity he thinks of her I don't know. I wish I could ask and get an honest answer-of course honest meaning thAt it could hurt or that it would be of some comfort that its not as bad as I imagine it to be. They have this wall around them after an afair that we have to tip toe around, and I hate that. We can't say this, we can't do that. My H moved all his stuff out of the house this weekend that he had lived in while we were separated. My D and I went to help him. IT was very hard for me to be there where I know he had been with her. He had taken one of our guest room beds with him when he left. I had already told him that I did not want any of those beds coming back home. I noticed one of the beds was gone. One of the twin beds that he had gotten from "her". WEll, she actually got them from an apt. complex that she had worked at, but I had seen them together in his truck that day on the interstate-Tell me he did not say SH## when he saw my pulling up next to them. At the time I did not know about the A. I immediatley called him on his cell and asked him what SHE was doing in his truck. He told me the story that she had gotten these beds for him and they were going to pick them up. He ended up getting very defensive and hanging up on me when I was accusing him of the very thing that he WAS doing! So....when the twin bed was missing it bugged me. I did ask him where it was, and he said some guy had wanted it and had come and gotten it. He never had told me that. That bothered me. I asked him a while back if he had been to the house for anything and he said no.That was probably about a month ago. When he found out he had to get the stuff out of there he said he called this guy who is very good friends with the OW, and also with my H because he works for an apt complex and asked him if he knew anyone that needed any beds. Supposedly he knew of this person that needed a twin bed, and my H met him at the house and he picked it up. Now...hopefully that was after he told me he had not been to the house. I also asked him why he had not told me about it and explained why I was concerned knowing who those beds came from. He opologized for not telling me but said he knew I wanted nothing to do with them and did not think anything about it. Is this beliveable to you? Of course my first thought was that he had contacted her to se if she wanted them back or needed them and she had needed one. This is what I hate about all this. We have NO way of knowing if they are lying through their teeth to us. He did not get defensive, but I was also not accusing him of anything-just asking. He could be a little more forth coming with reassurance if you ask me. It just does not ring right somehow, but then when you don't trust them nothing does.It could be ligit, or it could be alot of hogwash-who knows? Not me! The thing is that in C he had said that if she ever tried to contact him he would tell me, and that he would not answer the call phone if it was her. He also said he would NOT contact her for any reason. I have to "act as if" I beleive him because not to would upset the apple cart (his apple cart) after he is the one who betrayed and lied to me for so long. It's just not fair how they get the upper hand, and we just have to sit back and be careful about everything. I'm not sure I beleive him or not, and plan to bring it up in C. because it is UNRESOLVED for me and it will fester and he also knows that he should have told me about it. The fact that he didn't makes it all the more suspicious. IT will be interesting to see if he is his usual distant self on wed. That seems to be his distant day for some reason. Another thing to wonder about.I know-I need toget a life and stop obsessing about all this but its damn hard when you don't want to waste your life if someone is still cheating on you. It could just be the fact that I still don't trust him and everything is going to seem suspicious for awhile-A LONG WHILE. I want so badly to find out when this guy picked it up so I can find out if I will catch him in the lie that he has not been at the house for a long time. IT may be totally insignificant to him and overly significant to me. I don't want to leave well enough alone but I know I should at least until C. He has to put some effort in this too-it cannot hurt him to fully explain when this transpired. I can see him getting irritated if I ask. Oh, and about what I want to do for me? I really have no idea except I think I want to go to school-I know I can't go back into that dead end job I was in even if it did have ecellent benefits. Should I sell my soul for good benefits? Where will I be if he leaves me when our yougest S leaves in 2 yrs and I am in a job I hate. I'd be stuck. At least this way I'd be doing something I think I'd be happy at, and making decent money and I'd have a focus which I have none now except him and this damn affair and my anxiety. WHINE!!!!! Rachael M.
Thanks for the kudos. I am as happy as I have been in a long time. Life is becoming more clear to me through all of this. I appreciate things for what they are and don't try to perfect everything. I see a lot of good things happening all over this board. I also have the same fears as many others concerning a backslide but I don't dwell on it. My W made drastic changes very quickly but I think she was in MLC long before I realized it. I may be a fool for trusting her and opening my heart to her again but nothing ventured nothing gained. We feel very "connected" again and I wouldn't trade that for anything. My partner seems to be back.
This is probably just journalizing but I just feel strange today. I was on the phone w/ my W when she opened her e-mail today, she had 18 and she forwarded a few of the jokes and they were dated up to a week ago. She used to check them 10 times a day and spend hours replying. She used to get her nails done once a week, tanned 4 times a week and bought new clothes 3 times a week. She hasn't done any of the above in 2 months. I think it is a good thing but it seems so weird. Her current obsession is decorating and painting our house and that is it. It only concerns me because the drastic swing to the good could be reversed just as quickly. Has anyone seen a similar sitch? I am very appreciative of my current sitch but it still feels weird in how fast it turned. I feel like she is trying to prove something to me, which is good.
I don't dwell on this but it certainly has me intrigued. She still doesn't say ILY but her actions do. I don't know why she can't verbalize those three words. I will not ask her about it because I don't want to pressure her. It doesn't bother me anymore because I don't "need" her to say it like I used to. She is either afraid of getting hurt again, feels unworthy, or isn't fully recommitted. Whatever.
I wish I could understand why I feel so strange. Things are going very well but I just can't accept it all. My intuition says "look out ahead", but it doesn't scare me. I actually think it helps me keep my balance. I guess it will just take more time to get used to my W current state. I pray that her changes are as permanent as mine. Well that is what is flying around in my head today.
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