2-My H and I have been together for almost 31 yrs, and I am only 46, soon to be 47 on thursday. He was NEVER deceibtful until the one and only A he had, but it was a long one. WE were in a very bad place in our M. Me pulling away emotionally and sexually big time, and he used this OW to get his emotional needs met-the sex came later, much to his regret now. He also is the Jedi of hiding, so the only thing I have to go on are his actions which sometimes speak so much louder than words. His actions while he was in the A were such that I asked hima couple of times if he was having one. Of course he said no. I also believe that he was in full blown milife which added fuel to the fire. He is coming out of his fog, I'd say he's almost all the way out. IT's been a long road-I guess its true that men go 2-5 yrs in MLC. I would say trust the actions-if they are saying something is wrong then somethig probably is-maybe not an A, maybe just the two of you pulling away from eah other emotioanally. In any case you need to start DB right away before it gets any worse. I know it must be hard if he has decieved you most of your married life. It would be VERY hard to trust. Scroll up and read T-bones idea about trust. Too much trust and you may be decieved and too little trust and you will be tormented. It has been hard for me to find that medium, but my H actions are helping alot. Short of a PI there is no way to know, and like Kaw said-it does not make any difference-the way you act is the same wether or not they are decieving you. I understand that need to know all too well, and it was driving me to panic/anxiety attacks tht have rendered me almost unfunctionable. A bad place to be. Sounds like you have your act together and I don't blame you one bit for wanting MORE than what your brother and SIL have. I would not settle for it-It would either have to get better at some point or I would have to move on I think. It's they who have to decide what they can live with as well as us. T-bone, when you say one of your wife's "friends", I don't know if that means a PA or EA or neither. Please explain. You are a better man than me to have him around if it's either one. I know..we do what we think we have to do, and you obviously were doig something right if she inititated Sunday. Does she say ILY? If not, is it something you have talked about? What are her reasons? I know you mentioned that you would kill for an ILY. DO you ever tell her? H. just stoppped by the house to see if we had anything for lunch. Another good sign. If he was having contact with the OW he would keep contact with me to minimum I would think, but who really knows? Only him, and I have to go by his actions and what he tells me. He only has deceived me once in our M-granted it was a long tern A, but it also was long enough for him to get her out of his system and realize she was NOT what he wanted longer term. He wanted his marriage-told me that's what he wanted all along, but was messed up in his MLC and his belief that I really did not love him. He knows now that is not true, and I am giving him every bit of what she did and more without the guilt. I'm just going to ride with the flow and keep acting like his best friend and girlfriend, and stroking that male ego. He seems content, and things keep getting better between us. It has to do with me coming accross as very loving yet strong-as strong as I can appear to be right now which isn't easy, but I give it my all-he wants to be needed, but I can't appear too needy. It would be a turn off. There are some days when he understands I go through hell in therapy and that is different. I used to pull away from him when that would happen and now I explain that I had an intense therapy session and maybe a few details-NOT TOO MANY- and he thinks that's good because I'm working on me and my issues. I don't shut down like I used to and block everyone out and shut myself off in the bedroom or anything. I need to show him I can work on my issues and still funtion as his wife and Mother to our one S at home. Anyway, no panic today. I have let go of alot of the obsessing that he was in contact with the OW. It would not make any sense for him to be. He is doing everything possible to work on us, plus we have had some good talks about why he did not want to be with her- she was not what he ultimately wanted by far or the drama her life was with 6 family members living with her. HE said he wants peace and quiet at the end of the day, and no controversy as much as possible. That's what I give him and he seems happy and glad to be here, and tells me he loves me and the OW or any other W will never be a problem again. I am finally beleiveing him after him being back home for almost 5 months. I'm rambling, so I'll stop and T-bone let me know about this Sitch. I'm very curious. Rachael M.
