I will use it as a prime example when my anxiety starts to go haywire again-If I start to freak out-remind me will you PLEASE!!! It was a huge breakthrough for me and my beleif in him. My gut is telling me that he is telling the truth and that is a good thing because my gut is usually right. Today I am exhuasted from yesterday ravings and worries! Plus we did not get out of MC until 10:00 pm. @ 1/2 hrs of intensity, but good intensity. OUr son is home from Colorado (our oldest of 3 kids-2 boys and a girl) so I am going to spend the day enjoying him and waiting fro my H to come home and maybe catch the new MEl Gibson Movie-heard it was good. Hope today finds everyone in Marital bliss-sorry T-bone, I just had to say it! Rachael M.
quote: There is the problem with snooping. You have information but the method of acquisition makes it difficult to work with.
I haven't and never will confront my W with the information I obtained by snooping. Our generation has been told that we are living in the "Information" age and that information is power. I use snooping as a tool to help me more accurately monitor where my W is in regards to M. That makes me feel I now have the power to make decisions and take actions that help bring me closer to my DBing goals and less likely to make poor decisions which would drive her further away. So in perhaps a perverse way this gives me a sense of power of decision that does give some "piece of mind" which seem to help prevent me from "freaking out" when I do discover the worse. I know this is very unconventional way to DB, but does seem to work for me. Strangely enough, I feel more calm than I feel I should be after discovering the renewed contact w/ OM.
quote: My other concern is, what if it is a test or a trap? How is that for paranoid? Hadn't thought of that one have you?
In reqards to her journal, yes I have thought about it being a test, which is why I will never confront her with anything I discover there. But I do believe she writes to help sort out her thoughts.
About the PA, she told me about it in Feb. believing she wanted a D and that by telling me about the A, I would want to grant her the D. Much of the details are in my thread.
Her last journal entry was written Monday evening. I came home Tuesday to her being in a funk. The first in about two months (from the time she said she was to recommit to M). Prior to that her "funks" were three days out of every week.
I am happy to report that yesterday when I came home from work she was out of her "funk". Went school shopping with D and saw a dining set she wanted. (We been looking for a new one for the last month.) We went back to look at it again and I see in her eyes she really wanted it, so it took nearly every penny I have to get it, but brought it home and put it together. (Some assembly required - like eleven bolts per chair x six chairs not to mention the table. ) But we had fun doing it. Turned into a real family event. Usually it is left to me to be put together. When we went to bed, she said "I really do love you." I wanted to find some angle to work in the contact with OM but couldn't find it so I just smiled and asked "You know how much ILY?" She said, "Yes."
I am feeling pretty darn good today as well. We are working hard every night and weekend to finish our basement rec room, wet bar, hot tub room, and billiards room. What a task but it will be so cool when it is done. I have got a new phrase that I like better than "marital bliss". How do you like "marital harmony"? Bliss implies a euphoric state and we all know that those don't last but harmony seems attainable longer term. I truly feel harmony today with my R. We are having fun again. Just little stupid things but enjoyable none the less. Things are great even when I sense some guardedness from my W. We are both trying and that is what matters. We have a busy construction weekend planned but a very "fun" couple of weeks after that.
I really need to stay out of the other areas of this BB. There are some really screwed up sits that are going to cause many people much pain and for a long time. I just posted to one and told him a lot of what I have told Kaw. Similar sit. I really feel for him because he is where I thought my sit was going.
I think I am done here for the week. You all should have a good weekend because I am telepathically beating sense back into the brains of all of your WAS. Let me know how well it worked on Monday!
quote: In reqards to her journal, yes I have thought about it being a test, which is why I will never confront her with anything I discover there. But I do believe she writes to help sort out her thoughts.
DRAT!!!
I forgot to add, that this gives me some insight on the issues she is dealing with. Throughout our M, my W would never open up to me about her thoughts and feelings. She feels too intimidated to tell me and to this day she still does not know why (so she says each time I ask), so I have yet found a way to make her feel more comfortable to open up to me.
I am so pumped for you Kaw. I would kill for an ILY. I know what you mean about using "inteleligence" for decision making but it almost made you bring up OM contact last night in a very touching moment. That would have wrecked the whole night. That is the stuff I am talking about. I can't keep my mouth shut either. Please be careful.
I have to be honest, the worst of the "telepathic beatings" that I am sending out is directed at your W. You two are so close to putting this crap behind you if she would just get her head out of her backside. Oh yeah, get some new cologne would you! That would be a disaster, wouldn't it?
T-bone-I'm thrilled things are gong so good for you and wifey right now! Hope they just keep getting better and there is no backsliding! Harmony~ I like that word better too. I'm counting on your telepathic skills to make this weekend one to remember(positve of course)! I STILL have not inititated-yeah, I know youretacted what you previously posted, but I kinda want to see hhow long it takes for him to initiate. Its been 3 days. He came home this morning just for a quick check-in and gave me some meaningful hugs. No time for intimacy for him now-he's a very busy contractor nad thiengs are crazy rigth now for him so he's preoccupied during the day. We'll all see what the weekend brings-oh yeah-we went on a bike ride together last night so we are starting to do little things alone together which has been one of my goals. To have fun-just the two of us without other friends being involved. We've stayed safe with outher people around us until lately and we are beginnig to finally be comfortable alone togheter. Harmony~Make it a great weekend-check in with ya MOnday! Rachael M.
I am having such a needed break from my anxiety. It is directly related how Adrian and I are getting along. We had a really good weekend, and I asked him if he was happy and he actually said yes! He would not have said it if he did not mean it. Intimacy was great all weekend, and I got a bundle of ILY's to boot. Friends we were with and know of our Sitch say he seems so much happier. I said "yeah, now that he's not living a double life and he can give 100% to our M. I can say I am well on my way to trusting him. I know I will have my bad days, but that is going to be natural for some time to come. Trust comes back slowly, but he is making is alot easier for me. It's hard when he's at work all day but I know how busy he is. That's when I worry he would contact her if he would at all,but I just don't feel it-he's acting too much like he's really back, and happy to be here. I know you had high hopes for the weekend-how did things pan out for you? Good I am hoping to hear! Rachael M.
Glad to hear your weekend went so well. Mine was very good too. I put myself through a little test this weekend. One of my W "friends" offered to help us work on the house this weekend. We accepted and everything went great. We got a lot of work done and he and I had some really nice conversations. May be this is real evidence that my W contact with these "friends" was just "an outlet" for her. The only weird part was that she really didn't know that much about him. I asked her a few things before he got there so I wasn't completely in the dark on this guy. All I knew is he sends very funny joke e-mails to my W and she forwards them to me. All I can say is I wasn't going to let it get to me and he worked very hard. He actually stayed over and was working by 6:30 a.m. Sunday morning before I was even awake. My W actually initiated Sunday a.m. even with him staying at the house. I know it sounds very strange but it was a very comfortable weekend. I guess life is mind over matter. It also helped my PMA alot that he was balding and overweight. Actually, he and I talked about going hunting together this fall. Think what you want of the sitch, but I think this was another positive step for us.
Rachel you sound just like I get sometimes...OK lots of times. Guys what you said to Rachel helped me a lot too.
It is quite difficult to find peace and confidence when one's marriage is on the rocks especially if one's spouse is less than forth-coming (which is just a nice way to say that on some level they are still in deceit mode). Deceit is as hurtful as it gets because it makes people crazy when they have to live lies and can't figure out what is going on. It is agony for everybody.
My brother and sister-in-law have had a marriage on the fence for 10 years!!! But at least my brother is honest with her. My sister-in-law is going for it in her life and is doing an internship in another state for 6 months. She is like a Navy Seal always in combat. More power to her but this is not what I want from this short life. How I hope my brother will get a clue and that she will do whatever she needs to for them to put it back together. I love them both. This is the life they choose and in many ways they are happy in their non-marriage. I am not one to judge them just love them but I don't necessarily want to learn to be happy in this kind of situation. Sometimes I fear that's about as good as it gets at least in some marriages. I'd like to find peace with whatever reality I find myself in and make myself the best I can be no matter what but I then want to take a stand for the life I want and stick by it whatever the consequences. Since my H is a Jedi level Master at hiding, he makes it tough. Now I guess Michele would point out that leaving isn't any better but surely she'd advise fighting for change and setting some kind of limit. I've been here on and off for three years. My H was deceitful for our whole marriage then we had two years where it felt to me like he was committed. Now for at least a year it's very near to how it was when he was deceiving me. We have pulled each other down hill again. If all the stress is considered, I'm stronger than I've ever been and I'm headed to the "flatter more stable ground" with or without him.
Is this bad venting stuff? I can't tell but better stop and follow up on my plan for the day! 2
2-My H and I have been together for almost 31 yrs, and I am only 46, soon to be 47 on thursday. He was NEVER deceibtful until the one and only A he had, but it was a long one. WE were in a very bad place in our M. Me pulling away emotionally and sexually big time, and he used this OW to get his emotional needs met-the sex came later, much to his regret now. He also is the Jedi of hiding, so the only thing I have to go on are his actions which sometimes speak so much louder than words. His actions while he was in the A were such that I asked hima couple of times if he was having one. Of course he said no. I also believe that he was in full blown milife which added fuel to the fire. He is coming out of his fog, I'd say he's almost all the way out. IT's been a long road-I guess its true that men go 2-5 yrs in MLC. I would say trust the actions-if they are saying something is wrong then somethig probably is-maybe not an A, maybe just the two of you pulling away from eah other emotioanally. In any case you need to start DB right away before it gets any worse. I know it must be hard if he has decieved you most of your married life. It would be VERY hard to trust. Scroll up and read T-bones idea about trust. Too much trust and you may be decieved and too little trust and you will be tormented. It has been hard for me to find that medium, but my H actions are helping alot. Short of a PI there is no way to know, and like Kaw said-it does not make any difference-the way you act is the same wether or not they are decieving you. I understand that need to know all too well, and it was driving me to panic/anxiety attacks tht have rendered me almost unfunctionable. A bad place to be. Sounds like you have your act together and I don't blame you one bit for wanting MORE than what your brother and SIL have. I would not settle for it-It would either have to get better at some point or I would have to move on I think. It's they who have to decide what they can live with as well as us. T-bone, when you say one of your wife's "friends", I don't know if that means a PA or EA or neither. Please explain. You are a better man than me to have him around if it's either one. I know..we do what we think we have to do, and you obviously were doig something right if she inititated Sunday. Does she say ILY? If not, is it something you have talked about? What are her reasons? I know you mentioned that you would kill for an ILY. DO you ever tell her? H. just stoppped by the house to see if we had anything for lunch. Another good sign. If he was having contact with the OW he would keep contact with me to minimum I would think, but who really knows? Only him, and I have to go by his actions and what he tells me. He only has deceived me once in our M-granted it was a long tern A, but it also was long enough for him to get her out of his system and realize she was NOT what he wanted longer term. He wanted his marriage-told me that's what he wanted all along, but was messed up in his MLC and his belief that I really did not love him. He knows now that is not true, and I am giving him every bit of what she did and more without the guilt. I'm just going to ride with the flow and keep acting like his best friend and girlfriend, and stroking that male ego. He seems content, and things keep getting better between us. It has to do with me coming accross as very loving yet strong-as strong as I can appear to be right now which isn't easy, but I give it my all-he wants to be needed, but I can't appear too needy. It would be a turn off. There are some days when he understands I go through hell in therapy and that is different. I used to pull away from him when that would happen and now I explain that I had an intense therapy session and maybe a few details-NOT TOO MANY- and he thinks that's good because I'm working on me and my issues. I don't shut down like I used to and block everyone out and shut myself off in the bedroom or anything. I need to show him I can work on my issues and still funtion as his wife and Mother to our one S at home. Anyway, no panic today. I have let go of alot of the obsessing that he was in contact with the OW. It would not make any sense for him to be. He is doing everything possible to work on us, plus we have had some good talks about why he did not want to be with her- she was not what he ultimately wanted by far or the drama her life was with 6 family members living with her. HE said he wants peace and quiet at the end of the day, and no controversy as much as possible. That's what I give him and he seems happy and glad to be here, and tells me he loves me and the OW or any other W will never be a problem again. I am finally beleiveing him after him being back home for almost 5 months. I'm rambling, so I'll stop and T-bone let me know about this Sitch. I'm very curious. Rachael M.
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That would be a disaster, wouldn't it?