VJ and Cat - thanks for dropping by and sharing your thoughts.
Men don't see things the same way we do, This is soooo soooo true. I don't know why sometimes he can be so blase about things. Especially our finances.. our visas for the relocation etc etc.
you need to create some new happy times with him now to carry you through this together. Am trying! Am trying! But this impending move is giving me cold feet and I've been "voicing" it to H. Plus the removals of our household stuff has a little hiccup which is giving me some stress!! But H has been quite good in a way. He'll say "please don't be conflicted. Things will be okay." and to the removals hiccup, he'll say "Don't be stressed up. I will sort it out, ok?" So, I should not be so tied up to all these and let the thing flow ....
I see many, many positives that maybe it's harder for you to focus on because you are right in the middle of it, and because you've had such a hard time for so long Thank you for telling me, reminding me that there are MANY positives!! I need to see positives and not be sucked into the mundane things.
I wouldn't question what he will do with OW stuff. Let him handle it. If it does end up in your house, quietly get rid of it - end of story. Errr... too late. We are moving into a new house (in Country X) and H mentioned that I should start moving some stuff over.. and I sort of asked about ow's stuff..and I HAVE to move those?? He said that he hadn't been back to our home country to give her back her stuff...And guessed what?? he said that he has a set of dining table and chairs that belongs to ow in the store, and he was thinking of putting it in the terrace of our new house!!! I don't know... I know he doesn't CLING to ow's things per se but more of "can use it, why waste it" mentality. I am also kinda like that.. I won't throw it..but probably when we move in, I might trade-in with something that would be MINE!!
also had a thing that bothered me dealign with addresses, my H hasnt; yet change his addressI have not brought this up.. and I don't want to . Not yet anyway. But looking at it...he is quite blase about these things anyway. To him, it's a small thing and he will brush it aside. So, not gonnna start a war from this thing that he deems unimportant. My H is really very very blase about things.. I just found out medical receipts on the table that I gave him months ago. He could get it reimbursed by his company and yet he didn't do it. It's not alot but still money!!
Okay... On positive notes... I came over to Country X on Sunday and H was like "you'll love the new house. I am sure of it".. and yes. he was right. i do love the house.
And H did wear his wedding ring when he picked me up at the airport. But it was kinda tight and he was sorta saying "put on weight. put on weight. can you get the jewellers to enlarge it?" and I have to say that it was kinda tight on his finger
H's more attentive. I got a peck and a hug when he got me from the airport. We had dinner with my mentor (who so happens to have come to Country X for some business) and he (my mentor) said that he could see that there were still strong affections between H and I. I guessed this is GOOD! H did put his arm around me more ...
Actually...H just called from work. Gonna pick him up later... gotta go now.
I'm glad to see that things are heading in the right direction for you. I agree with you in regards to the table...sell it and with the money get something new that you picked out!
Quick update on my sitch. H came by for a visit last week and we ended up having s*x. Since then he has been calling me non-stop and wants to spend the night with me Saturday night. He told me he felt there is still something there between us. I myself don't feel it. I'll just wait and see what happens Saturday...I will need to have a major talk with him if I want to give us another try.
Best wishes to you and your family on your move to Country X.
M:43 H:37 D14 (ours) D18 (mine) S22 (mine) S18 (his) S: 10/2004 Bomb: 2/15/05 In/out of home Living with OW #4 Talks of D for 2-1/2 years
Cat03/ KDK - Hiya gals..nice of you to drop by to check up on me. I have not posted for awhile...
moving is stressful to begin with, it will all be over before you know it, enjoy your new place! happy to her your H is more attentive Cat - Yes..moving is mega stressful. I have been sorting stuff to the throwaways, the donation pile, the givaways, the bring-along piles..and sure driving me nuts. The packers are here on their second day. One more day tomorrow (Wed) , and we are off to Country X on Thursday. Yes, will enjoy my new place! It's really a nice house...
He told me he felt there is still something there between us. I myself don't feel it KDK - I am sure you still have love for this man deep down inside you. It's just that now he is coming round towards you that you are somewhat "playing hard to get" in someways and masking it. Otherwise, I would not think that you will allow him into your pants so easily. Please excuse me... just that if I don't have any feelings for my H, I don't think I will be letting him near me. I mean yes, you can have "HORNS" which I am sure you can get some other guy to "de-horn" you if there weren't any feelings for your H. Just my thought...
Journalling... I nearly blew it all away today.... Well, had some naughty texts from H this morning, then some serious relocation texts, then H called and told me that S9 did not get into the International School we selected. That means my two boys will be split into two different schools. I started to get stressed and blah blah blah. Then H said "This is what I don't like. You blowing up and getting stressed for no reason"..Then he texted with the same thing "This is what I don't like...pi$$ed off and stressed for no reason". I did the unthinkable! I wrote him a text that said "Then we don't come in that case. Don't like! Don't Like! You never like anything that has anything to do with me. You only like ow. Love her, sorry. I know I gave you no choice but to bl**dy leave her. You never wanted to come back. I know. You don't have to tell me". H texted back "I really don't know why you are giving me all this. I am trying so hard to make things work and you are not helping by freaking out for no reason." I didn't reply... then later he called and I got my friend to answer and he tried again later. He was much calmer and said that I shouldn't be stressed, shouldn't this and shouldn't that...blah blah blah. Then we sort of talked about S9's school. *sigh* I think I am blowing up because there are alot of unresolved issues or rather unanswered questions that I need from H. I don't know if I will ever ever get them..
Continue later... Think my friend is here for a chat.
oh honey, I totally understand, had a blow up myself recently, issues and so many questions still lingering in my brain.
How about this, write down what's really eating you, then right down how confronting him will make you feel better/bring you closer.
I should be following my own advice too, I have this issue eating me and will bring it up BUT thank to some great posts to my sitch I won't begin with accusatory tones (read Sven's answer to me) because it causes my H to shut down. Then again, right now, I must make up my mind to ACCEPT when he shuts down, pushing it just make my H go back farther into his cave.
Don't throw the OW on his face anymore, I now it hurts (again, read the latest threads to me on my latest posts) but it must be put behind you, I've almost have, even those dreadful mental picts, I see them in a new light.
If you feel like you are going to loose it just say it to him "you know what, I'm feeling pretty awful right now, I need to work on getting things out of my system and I need to calm down, we'll discuss this later." Do yourself a favor and go on a walk, talk to someone THEN reply. I don't blame you, in my anger I also told H that the door was there if he wanted to go, of course I didn't mean it but I said it out of anger.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Cat03 - Thanks for your advice. I will check into your thread in a while. Things have been really hectic. Packers over at the house for three days,...finding out S9 didn't get into the same school, plus the stress of moving into the new country is really eating me.
Flew into Country X on Thursday. Was shuffling between schools on Friday, attempting to get S9 into the school..Unfortunately to no avail.. Have to register him in another school, but they needed school records before anything could be done.. The originals are in transit somewhere, therefore, I have to get copies from the original school. *sigh* Was so stressed up yesterday that I called and ranted and raved at H... some little tiff between us, but when we got home later, he did try to "sweet talk" me... Well, it's the weekend now, so gonna relax ... because one Monday, the madhouse starts...
Yes, I know I need to remove ow out from our lives and move forward. But it is rather difficult when little things are still right in front of me. How could I avoid? There's her futon, her dining set, etc etc... Just today, I asked H where our power drill was and he said "told you already.. it's in her house"... and I said "it's a drill that belongs to my parent and you give it to people". and H replied "what give? I was using it..". I left it at that, and a second later, H said "should we have dinner out tonight??" ... guessed he is trying to keep the sitch calm ?? He has been quite good I guessed...
My mom told me to not mention ow again... and she said "don't bring it up again. I am sure he will be fed-up if you do. Don't say ...I would be fed-up. If you don't bring her up, I don't see that you guys will argue, and I know he will not start an argument out of nothing".. I guessed that's true. ...
Quote: Yes, I know I need to remove ow out from our lives and move forward. But it is rather difficult when little things are still right in front of me. How could I avoid? There's her futon, her dining set, etc etc... Just today, I asked H where our power drill was and he said "told you already.. it's in her house"... and I said "it's a drill that belongs to my parent and you give it to people". and H replied "what give? I was using it..". I left it at that, and a second later, H said "should we have dinner out tonight??" ... guessed he is trying to keep the sitch calm ?? He has been quite good I guessed...
There a LOT of little things I could be mad at H for, our wedding frame he'd plan to use for a pict of her, our tray table I use daily he used to make her breakfast and for outings, the table I got that he used for a dinner w/her. I could go on and on, and everytime I'd bring it up he'd absolutely be 100% guilty..and what does make me? vindictive and spiteful, he's already appologize and I would turn myself into this unforgiving person who just wont' let go.
I know you are stressed honey, and it's easy for you to lash out at your H, in my frustration I've taken it out on kids (no hitting, just being harsh). We need an outlet for our anger. It will be over honey, this crazy move, prove yourself that in the worst times you can control yourself, have at least 1hr in between the day where you sit with a cut of tea and close your eyes, you'll do fine
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Hey Cat03... Thanks for your input. Yes, I know that I need to let go. Harping about things will not change the fact that the A happened. It will just be an obstacle to piecing. I know H is trying, and I know that I need to be less sensitive...
Life has been pretty hectic the past week... Managed to get older son into same school as younger one. That is one headache off... Shuffling boys to and fro from school, making meals etc etc. But did managed to squeeze in a facial yesterday and a massage today!
H took me into his office to introduce me to his coworkers.. One thing that did irk me abit, was when one lady asked me if I have quit my job at XYZ company. I was gobsmacked as H and ow worked together at XYZ company. H actually introduced her to his new coworkers.. I asked "you brought her up and introduced her as your wife?", he sort of gave me a very vague answer. At that point, I was showing some faces, and H said "pls don't show me that face". It would have gotten worse if we did not bump into his boss. Oh well.. H then showed me off and gave me a peck before he left me. Then H called later "you know what? the Secretary actually said to me "let me tell you a secret. Your wife much prettier than ow"" ...I guessed that was good... that came out.
H was supposed to have dinner with coworkers, but cancelled and came back and he was still saying "apparently, everyone was talking about you, about you being pretty..." and all this while grinning away...
I thought I should drop by and give an update on my situation. Overall, things are pretty good. If I disregard all the past hurts and deceit, have to say H has been pretty good. We did have an argument one day...when he was going back to our home country to do some stuff. He tried to reassure me with "DOn't worry" blah blah blah.. and I was sort of still sulking, and he was put in a corner and then he sort of blew up... Told my mom about it. And she agreed with H, that he's doing the right things, and I have to give it time. Anyway,..that was about 10 days ago. Other than that, we are progressing forwards. H shares his work stuff when he comes home, and we sort of spend time talking a bit, and watching telly together. Dinner is of course together with the boys. He calls me in the middle of the day, to ask mne if things were okay etc. So, don't think I should complain or be negative. Think H is trying to make amends in the ways that he knows how or thinks is correct. Think he bought quite a lot of stuff for ow and now, he kept on asking me to buy better bags and stuff. I wanted a pair of pearl earrings and was gonna buy a "normal" pair, and he insisted that I get a pair of Mikimoto. We do joke a little bit about his "infidelity"... and he would grin and go "oh.. somehow, I KNEW you were going to tie that up with me".
Overall, I am still learning to be patient and more understanding.. more relaxed. I have to admit that sometimes when H is engrossed with his phone (texting, emailing etc)...I do wonder if he is contacting her... but I let it go.. and not query him.
Life have been busy...still trying to settle in Country X. I have still yet to unpack and organise all my stuff. Still need to buy some indoor plants. Still need to organise some language classes for the boys. Have also been rather busy with school stuff. Time just flies in Country X...and I find myself thinking less and less about the ow, or H's A with ow. I hope in TIME, the significance of their R will diminish and ours will grow in heaps and bounds. Someone sent me an email today, which is pretty good. It has this in it "You cannot make someone love you. But you can make yourself such as to be loved".
MMM... Good huh?
It's a bright bright day!!
p/s For all LBS out there who is wondering if they should have a sexual relationship with the WAS during the tine of crisis... I would say YES. I sincerely think that it was the only thin shread of bond that we had when we were in our deep deep throes of disconnection.
glad to hear you are doing well and that H is trying to make amends! how great
Quote: You cannot make someone love you. But you can make yourself such as to be loved
That's my motto too, I'm trying to look at myself and think "would the person I'm being now make my H want to love me? to be w/me and yearn to be with?" not yet, still exorcizing some demons and little crap, but that will be my goal every day, so when I see him I have the right mental attitude.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Please excuse me... just that if I don't have any feelings for my H, I don't think I will be letting him near me. I mean yes, you can have "HORNS" 
I think I am blowing up because there are alot of unresolved issues or rather unanswered questions that I need from H. I don't know if I will ever ever get them..
I asked "you brought her up and introduced her as your wife?", he sort of gave me a very vague answer. At that point, I was showing some faces, and H said "pls don't show me that face". It would have gotten worse if we did not bump into his boss. Oh well.. H then showed me off and gave me a peck before he left me. Then H called later "you know what? the Secretary actually said to me "let me tell you a secret. Your wife much prettier than ow"" ...I guessed that was good... 
not yet, still exorcizing some demons and little crap, but that will be my goal every day, so when I see him I have the right mental attitude.