He left for his apt. and called me from the road. HE is suppose to call me when he gets done. I'm not worried about him going to see her-I know he won't. It does however irritate me that he just completely wrote me off without dicussing it any further. Knowing himand his memory, he probably forgot what we even discussed last night. Oh well. You migh hop over to Andy's thread. I wrote on there how I am feelig about my future, and that it's time for a change....for the better. hope thing sare going well for you-take care! Rachael M.
T-bone, I posted to Lily's thread this morning. I have some concern and I think maybe you can help give me some perspective on what's going on. Every day is a rollar coaster. Is it me or is it him? Please let me know what you think-thanks much, Rachael M.
I left early yesterday to go nurse my W so I couldn't reply, sorry. I would have told you "Don't you dare try to go with him, give him some space or he will take his space, comprende?" Please don't crowd him like this, it is very selfish. You need to be close to him and he needs space to work, right? Give him the freedom to do things he needs to do.
"If you trust too much you may be deceived, if you trust too little you WILL BE TORMENTED."
I will keep posting that until you quit tormenting yourself and your H for that matter. He will come to you in time but not if you keep pestering him. If you keep doing things to try and comfort yourself you will alienate him. He his doing the best he can right now and your job is to find that real you back. Get rid of this sorry pursuer and find the strong, confident Rachel back. It is a damn good time for you to molt off that insecure, needy shell and expose your true self. I understand your clinginess cause I have some too but it ain't helping a bit. I have made an observation. You relive your feeling in several different posts. I read that too much "venting" just allows you to "relive" the sitch and not let it go. You may be guilty of that, I know I sure was. I would tell several people my feelings and I never just let them fade away because I kept breathing life into them. Ask a question or journal a feeling but then move on to anything else. Distract yourself and let a new thought grow. Anything but him. We do many of the same unproductive things and that was a big one for me when I was obsessed so I bet it will help. You are so close to doing the right things that you should be able to taste it. That is why I am "reading you the riot act". You are waiting to feel better so you behave better when you need to behave better so you feel better. Get it? I stole that one from Andy.
I am so glad to hear yesterdays anxiety breakthrough. You simply made the decision to not do it. Love, forgiveness, anxiety, they are all choices actually. Now don't slip backwards today. How was your H last day yesterday? Did you treat it like that? I will let you decide that.
Oh yeah, my dad started calling me TBONE when I was little and it kind of stuck. TB are my first two initials.
I just reread my last post and realize that I was a bit harsh. Please understand that I now know how good it feels to not "pressure" my W and I want you to feel the same way very badly. I now how hard you are trying but I tend to "push" those around me to try and reach their potential. Sorry.
T-Bone, Don't you dare opologize for being harsh. It's kinda like tough love, only tough friendship. I need to break through this wall I keep beating myslef up against. It's all about fear. I fear he is not telling me the truth that there is no contact. THAT'S what I can't get past! DO you know your W is not seing another man? If you think or thought she was would it not drive you nutso? I know you've been here and somehow by the grace of God gotten past where I am. No-I did not love him like it was our last day togehter because he came home at 8:15 and read his magazines and then came to bed and turned on the TV. WE talked a little and I did not act how I felt which was Pi$$ed off, instead I snuggled up against him, and thought he might initiate something but he did not so I let it go. He's backed off from that, and I don't know what that's about either. IF I say anything IN MC tonight I'm sure he will say something like I feel expected to perform-ALL THE MAN WANTED WAS SEX BEFORE THE A, so I don't buy that. My gut tells me its wrapped up in "her" somehow. Maybe I'm just a paranoid mess right now. I know I'll want to lay into him tonight with all this doubt I have In MC but my gut tells me to shut up and see what happens. I am TRYING to give him space. I did not say Boo to him about going without me last night,but the man came home because he wanted me, supposedly loves me, wants to be with me. Well, actions speak louder than words and right now I'm getting neither. If I ever find out he's lying to me again-it's over. I can't live like this-I won't live like this. I could NEVER trust him again if he did this to me again. I pray he isn't. Tell me like it is-it's the only way I want to hear it T-Bone. Maybe you can get something through to me that my own brain can't! Rachael M. Oh yes, one other thing-I inititated sex this morning and he was not totally present. I mean his mind was someplace else. I know he would get angry if he heard me saying all this, saying its not true, but I'm not stupid-I know if a man is really with me of not!
You need to search for your peace of mind somewhere else!!! How is knowing if he is still contacting her going give you it...I'm THERE!!! After two months of what I believe to be marital bliss, I just discovered my W has been in contact with OM at least twice in the last two weeks and is writing down thoughts of wanting the both of us!!! Now WHAT???!!! I certainly am not any more at peace now!!! and it certainly doesn't change overall what I have to do if I want to continue to try to win over her heart...
As long as you still want to fight for your M, your course of actions don't change one bit ifyou know or not ... you have to continue with what works and do more of it. PERIOD.
Take from one who IS where you don't want to be and does KNOW...
Okay, here is a bad sitch for you. He is thinking of her, contacting her, and has seen her. Yes, you are in competition with the OW. Can I change it for you? No. I just posted on Kaw's thread about competition and beating the OP but still not reaching our goal of marital bliss (what a crock that is).
Do I think your H is really back? Probably not. Are most SO of people on this BB really back? Probably not fully. It is a long, long road. All I am saying is, quit worrying about that. You need to do things that are going to win him back and your recent thoughts, comments, and actions are not going to keep him here long. Ready for this? You could do everything right and he still might leave. It is heartbreaking but it is HIS choice. DBing is all about YOU. You take care of you and he will probably stay. Worst case scenario in my book was that I make myself the best H there ever was and my W still leaves. I was wrong though. In that scenario I would have lost my W but I will be happy with myself and a much better H for W #2. Remember that always.
I am so glad to hear you say that if he has contacted her that you are done. I don't believe it, but at least you have to set some personal boundries. Sometimes we have to get angry to allow ourselves to give them some distance. My W challenged some of my boundries so I let her know that it hurt me. She thought it was okay to e-mail these friends and I didn't. I simply asked her how she would feel if I was doing all of the same things that she was. She said she wouldn't care but her non-verbal reaction and her consequent behavior said something else. I didn't threaten anything. I simply stated a fact and let her think about it. Who wants to be with someone that doesn't want to be with them? Not me.
Let's confuse your H. Quit initiating sex for 2 weeks and see what happens. Work on yourself in every way and only change that. If he asks why, say you realized that you don't need that be okay with the R and don't want him to feel obligated.
Kaw and T-bone-Your right of course,damn you! I'm mad now and its not at you its at me and my H. I hate what he's done and what I've become. I'm telling you , this is not me! Ok, so Lily says no mention of OW for 21 days. It's been 4 or 5 but I have said zilch about her. You say TB don't initiate sex for 2 weeks. What good is that? It will only fuel his fire that I don't give him what he needs and he was right all along that the sex thign wouldn't last! Ok-so let him initiate. That will be interesting. I guess by having sex with him I am assuming he will not go out and have it with her which is bull because while we were separated he had sex with me the whole time he was seeing her! What is it with these people??? What do they want from us? Our very souls? I feel like I've lost me totally, but you know what? He won't see that when he comes home. He never does-he has NO IDEA the torment I am going through. NONE. I suppose you think that's a good thing. Well, I guess it is-It would serve me NO purpose to let him see me like this because he would not have a single clue what to do but run. You had to say the thing about the contact T-bone. I can't let myself beleive he is still lying to me. I can't. HE swore and promised he would never again do it to me. If he does I'm done. I will gladly take 50 % of everything (or more) he owns and he can have the old hag. Talk about unattractive! No one else wants her. He even says he does not want her life. It's crazy with all kinds of kids and her mother and grandkid living there. HE told me he never wanted to marry her-so do you think he's about to leave me and lose 50% of everything for someone he has no intention of ever marrying??? I'll take your advise-no ititaion for 2 weeks and we'll see what happens. He leaves the end of this month for a 10 day motorcycle trip with our next door neighbor. I can't say I'm sad either. I will at least know he's not sleeping with her!! Rachael M.
Perhaps I sounded too naive by saying "marital bliss", but what I meant by it was I was convinced by her actions that she was recommitting 100% to R and brought to a level we have been at in 2+ years. I was coming home to ILY's and IM(iss)Y's. She was doing the little things that showed she was thinking of me when I'm not around and much more. She had truely convinced me that her heart was into the R and and to me now that is bliss and that is what I meant by it. Sorry if you feel it is inappropriate.
Based on your post this a.m. forget the no initiating discussion. It was intended to take the "pressure to perform" away from your H. Less pressure equals happier H especially at this time. Anyway, congrats on the breakthrough at the MC. Now take that and build yourself with it. Use it as a prime example to not get upset the next time your anxiety gets the best of you. You got a huge break right when you needed it most and I couldn't be happier for you.
Kaw,
My marital bliss comment was not intended as a "shot". My sitch has made me cynical and I don't really see much "marital bliss" out there. Your W is either very manipulative or confused for doing this to you and I am sure you are very hurt. My W has done similar things and that is why I am a little "anti-marital bliss" right now. You all know that I never mean to offend anyone.
The concept of them "stringing" us along while they shop themselves enrages me. Throwing us a bone periodically while they pursue greener grass is crap. I know it is not wise to confront but when you get to the end of your rope some tough love may be in order. There is the problem with snooping. You have information but the method of acquisition makes it difficult to work with. My other concern is, what if it is a test or a trap? How is that for paranoid? Hadn't thought of that one have you?
How long have you known about the PA and what discussion have you had on that topic? Has her attitude and actions changed toward you changed since she wrote that? You and I are in the same boat because we don't know what to believe. We have two choices. Enjoy every day with them and hope they are coming back to us and not just "playing" us until they are ready to leave or "out them" and ask them to make a choice while stateing your boundries. The answer is best determined by the phase in the R and your W attitude. At a point I felt my W was far enough back for me to make a few "reasonable demands". It was gutsy but I also couldn't take much more so I was ready to deal with the consequences. My W seems to have wanted me to stand up to her but not everyone wants that. What pissed me off most was the deception and manipulation. That was my real trigger. We were having great times together and her actions said she was back but then I snooped and found out she wasn't all the way back or still wanted to "string along" some of her "friends". I asked her "what do you really want to do?" Of course she didn't know. I asked her what more I could do to help our sitch and she couldn't think of anything. I also asked her how she would feel if I was doing the same exact thing. I didn't say it was wrong I just switched roles with her. As far as I can tell the contact has stopped.
You are in a tough spot but hang in there until you are sick and tired of being sick and tired. When you get to a point where you don't care what she does it gets real easy to make altimatums that you can back up.
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After two months of what I believe to be marital bliss, I just discovered my W has been in contact with OM at least twice in the last two weeks and is writing down thoughts of wanting the both of us!!! Now WHAT???!!! I certainly am not any more at peace now!!! and it certainly doesn't change overall what I have to do if I want to continue to try to win over her heart...