Me = 35 H = 37 M = 9 1/2 yrs (together 19 yrs) Sons = 9 and 6 1/2 yrs Bomb = 2 April 2005 R with ow ~ July/August 2004 (ow is a coworker) H changed job and moved to Country X in September 2005.
H "left" the family and got a house in Country X. ow chose the house. But all this while, H has not told me that he was "leaving" the family, but his move was only to be alone and to think in a foreign country. Me stupidly thinking that was true because H still calls and told me stuff like "found a house close to the school for the boys etc etc". Visited H in country X, and then found out about his intentions with ow blah blah blah... Lots of back and forth, back and forth with H...
H finally asked us to join him in late-April 2006. As per all the others' post... I am having all sorts of feelings surging out. I guessed before, I was fighting to get him to want us..want me... and Now that he has asked us to join him, I have all sorts of questions..such as - Is he coming back because of guilt? because of the kids? - Is he ready to come back? - Will he bolt the moment there is a sign of trouble? - Does he really want to be with me? - Am I really giving him NO choice, but to come back?? - Will he continue to see ow???
I have managed to squeeze some answers from H at times...but not very successfully. And I don't really want to push..But I have all these uncertainties in me.. Here I am, giving up my job, friends and family to move to Country X.... I need to quell my fears. I cannot ask H for reassurance because I don't think he is ready.. I have good friends and my mom reassuring me that H does want to have the M, but I am not so sure... I can't bring it up to H because he would say "I am already moving all of you here. What more do you want from me?" ... My friend says that H did make the decision to be with me and the boys, otherwise, he could go on with his semi-bachelor lifestyle in COuntry X..and have ow over in his house whenever he likes..he need not ask us to go over and be a family again. Is this true??? Am I too impatient? H says "you expect everything to go back to before (pre-A) immediately. It takes time!"... I guessed he is right.
What am I expecting from H? I don't know... I really don't. Most times that we are together, it's fine.. but I wonder "is he thinking of her? Does he wished that he was with her instead of me?" I know that I need to control my thoughts.. I wouldn't say that he is mega-attentive when he is with me, but does do little little things.
Will be moving over to Country X in mid-August... so now am just "waiting"... H still calls everyday and sounds "normal". No mention of anything out of the ordinary... Kept me updated on work and his "schedules". We have not gone into why the A happened... and I wonder if it will happen again as we have not sort out the underlying issues that drove him towards the A. He did mention about MC about few months back, and when I brought it up recently, he brushed it aside... I wonder if I should go into counselling myself alone.
Sometimes, I wonder if H is trying to convince himself with a lot of the things he says. Such as: - I have to come back because you leave me no choice. - when you guys move over, I will have no reason to fly back to our home country. - I find that you and I have more things in common than I with her.
I supposed I should dwell too much with what he says...but more on the little positives???? - H says he is not confused! (wow!!!) - Took back his wedding ring on the 25th June (don't know if he wore it though) - Mentioned that he will take me on a holiday to Bali(Actually, we spent his birthday together in Perth ... as compared with last year, when he spent it with ow ) - Planning to take boys to Orlando at the end of the year. - Told me to extend my trip in Country X with my available 4 vacation days... - Preparing boys' room with Xbox and such ..(he is not 'chicken-ing out from us coming over !!! ) - "Introduced" us to his customers and their families (very important person!! Our kids are now sort-of friends!) - Tells me "I told you many times already...it has nothing to do with s@x. I like it with you, ok??" (mmm...if this is true, what is the emotional need that is lacking in our M that he needs it from ow????) - "dishing-out" food onto my plate - H attempted to make me laugh with some silliness at our last R talk (24th June).
Things that I can't stand... - H saying that I nag when he is the one nagging. - that I gave him NO choice - H's nagging (yes! He does!!!) - H's ego and boasting!!!! - H's tardiness when it comes to OUR stuff..but is highly efficient at work - H's seemingly "not-working" on the M
Fellow DBers ... Please give your advice, comments... Am I going the right way? Doing the right thing?
Trying to keep a level-head and be Patient...and not jump to ANY conclusions or assumptions...
... as compared with last year, when he spent it with ow 
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