Me = 35 H = 37 M = 9 1/2 yrs (together 19 yrs) Sons = 9 and 6 1/2 yrs Bomb = 2 April 2005 R with ow ~ July/August 2004 (ow is a coworker) H changed job and moved to Country X in September 2005.
H "left" the family and got a house in Country X. ow chose the house. But all this while, H has not told me that he was "leaving" the family, but his move was only to be alone and to think in a foreign country. Me stupidly thinking that was true because H still calls and told me stuff like "found a house close to the school for the boys etc etc". Visited H in country X, and then found out about his intentions with ow blah blah blah... Lots of back and forth, back and forth with H...
H finally asked us to join him in late-April 2006. As per all the others' post... I am having all sorts of feelings surging out. I guessed before, I was fighting to get him to want us..want me... and Now that he has asked us to join him, I have all sorts of questions..such as - Is he coming back because of guilt? because of the kids? - Is he ready to come back? - Will he bolt the moment there is a sign of trouble? - Does he really want to be with me? - Am I really giving him NO choice, but to come back?? - Will he continue to see ow???
I have managed to squeeze some answers from H at times...but not very successfully. And I don't really want to push..But I have all these uncertainties in me.. Here I am, giving up my job, friends and family to move to Country X.... I need to quell my fears. I cannot ask H for reassurance because I don't think he is ready.. I have good friends and my mom reassuring me that H does want to have the M, but I am not so sure... I can't bring it up to H because he would say "I am already moving all of you here. What more do you want from me?" ... My friend says that H did make the decision to be with me and the boys, otherwise, he could go on with his semi-bachelor lifestyle in COuntry X..and have ow over in his house whenever he likes..he need not ask us to go over and be a family again. Is this true??? Am I too impatient? H says "you expect everything to go back to before (pre-A) immediately. It takes time!"... I guessed he is right.
What am I expecting from H? I don't know... I really don't. Most times that we are together, it's fine.. but I wonder "is he thinking of her? Does he wished that he was with her instead of me?" I know that I need to control my thoughts.. I wouldn't say that he is mega-attentive when he is with me, but does do little little things.
Will be moving over to Country X in mid-August... so now am just "waiting"... H still calls everyday and sounds "normal". No mention of anything out of the ordinary... Kept me updated on work and his "schedules". We have not gone into why the A happened... and I wonder if it will happen again as we have not sort out the underlying issues that drove him towards the A. He did mention about MC about few months back, and when I brought it up recently, he brushed it aside... I wonder if I should go into counselling myself alone.
Sometimes, I wonder if H is trying to convince himself with a lot of the things he says. Such as: - I have to come back because you leave me no choice. - when you guys move over, I will have no reason to fly back to our home country. - I find that you and I have more things in common than I with her.
I supposed I should dwell too much with what he says...but more on the little positives???? - H says he is not confused! (wow!!!) - Took back his wedding ring on the 25th June (don't know if he wore it though) - Mentioned that he will take me on a holiday to Bali(Actually, we spent his birthday together in Perth ... as compared with last year, when he spent it with ow ) - Planning to take boys to Orlando at the end of the year. - Told me to extend my trip in Country X with my available 4 vacation days... - Preparing boys' room with Xbox and such ..(he is not 'chicken-ing out from us coming over !!! ) - "Introduced" us to his customers and their families (very important person!! Our kids are now sort-of friends!) - Tells me "I told you many times already...it has nothing to do with s@x. I like it with you, ok??" (mmm...if this is true, what is the emotional need that is lacking in our M that he needs it from ow????) - "dishing-out" food onto my plate - H attempted to make me laugh with some silliness at our last R talk (24th June).
Things that I can't stand... - H saying that I nag when he is the one nagging. - that I gave him NO choice - H's nagging (yes! He does!!!) - H's ego and boasting!!!! - H's tardiness when it comes to OUR stuff..but is highly efficient at work - H's seemingly "not-working" on the M
Fellow DBers ... Please give your advice, comments... Am I going the right way? Doing the right thing?
Trying to keep a level-head and be Patient...and not jump to ANY conclusions or assumptions...
R with ow ~ July/August 2004 (ow is a coworker) IF H ended things with ow in April '06 (when he asked us to move over to Country X to join him), their R would have been about 20 months... Thing is DID HE REALLY END IT WITH ow??
The recent panic attacks are driving me nuts. I think I have lots of suppresed feelings and emotions that are resurfacing now... I cried myself to sleep last night. Kept on thinking that H doesn't really want me. And it is because I forced him into it...Didn't call him to badger him... I just cried and dozed off. Then got a call from H at 1.40 am. First thing silly bugger asked was "Are you asleep?" and I replied yes, and he was gonna go and then decided to talk to me a little bit more... H: Am in a karaoke lounge with some friends.. err.. those ex-coworkers are here.. we are trying to keep awake to watch the football. Me: Thought you said they are coming in the weekend? Here for work? H: No. Not work. Gonna stay at our place. Me: Oh. Who are they? (very cautiously...as these are also ow's coworkers) H: P, and the other two you don't know.. blah blah blah. Me: So noisy in the background. H: Oh.. they are trying to select for some girls [grin and laughed. Then he was talking to those guys to order some food..] Me: All guys? H: Yeap. Bluff you for what?? Me: Okay. H: We gonna play golf tomorrow and got to work on Thursday..blah blah blah..
Don't know why, but I cried myself back to sleep again. SILLY, I know..
Next morning, ie. today (5th July) H called. I got S6 to answer and he spoke to S6. Heard H6 say "mommy is driving"... dropped S6 off to school, and then my mobile rang again. It was H. Said something like going to check flights for me to fly over to Country X this weekend. He could hear that I didn't sound too right, and queried. Just told him that I have been rather tired lately etc etc. Talked about S9's placement in the International school, which is not confirmed. S6's is. He said "just move over in August and we will sort it out!".
Later, H called me and mentioned about the fares etc etc. Was kinda expensive... I checked and found it to be cheaper with another airline, and asked H about it..and then he said "Oh..let me check my schedule..". I am thinking...shouldn't he have checked his schedule before suggesting to buy me the ticket? Did he ask just for the sake of asking? Thinking that I would say that it's too expensive and I should not fly over or is he genuinely sooooo blurr???? Also, said something about the realtor pestering him about a house that we've seen and kinda liked..
I don't know.. had a chat with my mom this morning.. She said that since I have decided to forgive him and to have him back in my life, I should let go of the A and move on. Otherwise, I would be the one suffering. She said that if he doesn't want to come back, he wouldn't. No one can force him. She also said that my H is trying to mend US but would not say that he is SORRY and he has done wrong etc etc because of his big big EGO. She said that she can see that he treats me "well". My girlfriend said "We have ringside seats, and I tell you that he came back on his own. You didn't force him". So, everyone around is saying that...but why am I NOT feeling what I should be feeling? I should be happy and ecstatic that he wants us to be with him, right?? I should be... but am feeling down, down, down. Hope this negative air will not last too long...
Maybe because I've not been to YOGA for a few months... Find that yoga does lift my spirits..... Cancelled my gym membership already, since will be moving soon, and had been travelling quite alot.
Need to bring myself out of this phase... Let's see what GAL is in store... 7 July - Dinner with Glamour Gals 8 July - Family Get-together 15 July - Kiddie Birthday Party 16 July - Broadway show with sisters... 17 July - Free Hair-Highlights @ Salon
yay yo-yo! Im glad to see you in this part of the forum, you've put such hard work into this!
As far as the panic attacks, I think they are normal after all you've had on your plate lately.
I should be happy and ecstatic that he wants us to be with him, right?? I should be... but am feeling down, down, down. Hope this negative air will not last too long...
maybe it's just a slight case of cold feet? now that things are finally moving forward your a bit nervous and starting to have some doubts, but again it's all normal!
Hey...Hellkat. Great for you to drop by. How is your sitch now? I don't see your thread.. where is it now? Or do you not post often now?
slight case of cold feet I would guessed so... my mentor said that I am like a bride-to-be... having second thoughts when the wedding day draws near. Perhaps this is true?
I feel much better today... Maybe because H called again yesterday and he did buy me a ticket to fly to Country X this weekend. H called again in the evening and again at night. Boys won't be going though... and I asked him this morning (he just called me) if I should bring the boys the next trip (21st July) but he said that he will be coming back so he'll see the boys then.
I do feel a little guilty of not bringing the boys with me this weekend...especially the last time they saw their father was the 13th of last month. But guessed I need to mend my R with their father ??? I don't know.. BUt boys seem to be coping fine.. S6 asked me yesterday (when he knew that I was going to Country X alone) "you and daddy want to spend time together??" ... and another time, when H and I went to Perth a fortnight ago (again without the boys), my dad cheekily asked S6 "Why are you not going with your parents to Perth?". S6: They want to be together... My Dad: Well, they can bring you and your brother and still be together S6: You don't understand is it? I said they want to spend time together aloneee [ with a fed-up face ..as if his grand-dad is kinda dumb]
I hope I am doing the right thing... I know that I shouldn't expect things to jump back to pre-bomb.. and these things need time...
I have some questions to anyone to can answer.. - I know that we should lay off the R talks, the questioning etc.. and wait for my H to open up himself when he is ready... BUT what if he just does not open up???
I think I think too much.. just gonna RELAX and not think anymore. Take things one moment at a time...
yoyo, are you in Australia? Is it Perth WA or somewhere else
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change; (Life, the Universe, other people)
courage to change the things I can;(me, my attitudes, my behaviour, my reactions)
and wisdom to know the difference
I hope I am doing the right thing... I know that I shouldn't expect things to jump back to pre-bomb.. and these things need time...
I think it's good to not expect things to be like they were pre-bomb, it's obvious both of you have been thru and effected by all the changes - and it does take time.
- BUT what if he just does not open up???
theres not much you can do to force him to open up, at least and not get the whole of everything - does it seem like thats the only thing he wont open up about? I ask because mine would talk about anything accept 'that'.
As far as my sitch - S and I are doing really good - I started a thread in surviving the big D, but since I only have online access at work it's hard to keep it updated unless it's a slow day. STBX is wanting to come back home, I've been getting the pity calls and poor me voice mails for a few weeks - wants to work on us blah blah blah - I'm just not feeling it.
I am not yet piecing but as my H shows signs he is very near ready to come home I am experiencing many of the same fears you have expressed.
I don't know we will ever be able to get back the comfort we once had--we will never know that our Hs will not bolt again. I guess it is just a chance we are going to have to take. You probably didn't blindly trust your H the day you met him--that takes time. So again you will have to go through the process of learning to trust.
Oh, and I don't for a second think you are being impatient. You have hung in there far after most have thrown in the towel.
Hi yoyo, glad you made the move over here! I really have no advice, only empathy. While my H has jumped ship only to sail home again a few times now, I can say that this last bout was the roughest as far as waiting for his declarations of undying love, begging my forgiveness stuff. Well, maybe I wasn't looking for quite such dramatics, but it would have been nice.
I think this is the hardest part, the piecing, when we don't get the reassurance we need. All I can say, from reading over this thread a bajillion times, is that you can't stop doing what you've been doing. You have to keep focusing on you and your boys, whatever you had been doing with H has been working, you've just moved over into a new waiting room, ya know?
Hang in there, you have every right and reason to be nervous, but if you came this far, it was all for good reason, right?
Minty, Hellkat, Superstressed, Leslie - THANKS for dropping by to share your thoughts and to give your support.
are you in Australia? Is it Perth WA or somewhere else Minty - I am actually in South East Asia. H and I had a short holiday away in Perth Australia. Spent his birthday with me this year...as opposed with ow last year. So this is a good improvement from one year ago.
theres not much you can do to force him to open up, Hellkat - Yes, I know that. And I know that forcing him to talk is not gonna be good for rebuilding US. It will make him feel uncomfortable, and maybe make him retreat into his "shell" ??? I have not brought it up with him.. I've kept most of the negatives to myself and my close friends...but not to H. I guess he would open up eventually?? Or am I in the "99 Club" ..more about that in my journal.
we will never know that our Hs will not bolt again. Superstress - That is SOOOO true. We will never ever know. I had a chat with my mentor today. His question back to me was "How would one ever know that a man would really be truly committed to his wife? How would you know?" This is true. You can never ever know? One can alway LIE, right?
I don't for a second think you are being impatient. You have hung in there far after most have thrown in the towel. Thanks for encouragement.. I still have loads of patience to withstand.
I think this is the hardest part, the piecing, when we don't get the reassurance we need. I couldn't agree more... But more about this in my journal below..
Journalling.. I went to Country X to be with H from the 8th till the 11th, without the boys. H picked me up from the airport. We went home... cooked dinner, had a wonderful session , had dinner, and spent some time talking.. Next day, H went off for short meeting but did call me while he was away... Later, we went out grocery shopping together, and H made dinner that night... Monday, we had dinner out, H paid me a compliment. Next day, met me for lunch and then we spent some time together before he went back to work, and I went to the airport to catch my flight home. All in all. It was very very nice. Although I spent alot of time watching telly, H was sitting next to me (though he wasn't really watching - as he has seen the show), we talked abit about the show and all. And we joked too.. there was a part in the show that he dared joke "you know..men are men." implying the impending infidelity in the show... and then when i mentioned something and rolled my eyes, he went "what? What? Nothing to do with me!".. I then paid no attention further. In one of our convos, he actually mentioned ow's name, as if it's there is nothing, and that she is another friend. I didn't raise my eyebrow, and he continued with whatever he was telling me. I spoke to my mentor, and he said two possibilities - 1 - he is more comfortable to share things with me, or 2 - he wants to test me. Well, either way, I think I bit my tongue at the right time, and he was rather "normal"...
H was also quite his normal "pre-A" self. He actually came over to hug me while we were waiting for our car at the mall... which was kinda nice.
As for the 99 club. It was a recent email that we got..that when you have nothing, you are happy with whatever little that you have. But when you have say 99 gold coins, you are not happy until you get the 100th coin. My mentor was saying that I am joining the 99 club. One year ago, I said that I would want my H to come back and be with the family. And today, I sort of have that and with me EXPECTING for reassurance... it's akin to me waiting for the 100th gold coin. I think his point is very very valid. I should just be happy with what I have achieved today, and not wait for the elusive 100th coin. '
Anyway, I was so happy (silly, I know) that I actually cried when I received a text from H "love you too". That was nice..
Today, Friday 14th... Had teleconvo with H.. He may have to go to France in September, and he brought up that perhaps I could go with him. Would be a big step forward in our R if he really really arranged for me to go with him. But I must not EXPECT it. Don't want to be dissapointed.
sounds like you guys are making great progress yoyo, I was touched by the mention of the 99 club, can I join? I also have my H w/me and was expecting the whole cabootle (reasurance, instant love) when a while ago I was praying so hard to just have him around.
Hope you get to go to France, how neat! but you are rigth, I should remind myself this, one shouldnt' have so many expectations and if something doesn't happen just to chill.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
... as compared with last year, when he spent it with ow 
)
)
, had dinner, and spent some time talking.. Next day, H went off for short meeting but did call me while he was away... Later, we went out grocery shopping together, and H made dinner that night... Monday, we had dinner out, H paid me a compliment. Next day, met me for lunch and then we spent some time together before he went back to work, and I went to the airport to catch my flight home. All in all. It was very very nice. Although I spent alot of time watching telly, H was sitting next to me (though he wasn't really watching - as he has seen the show), we talked abit about the show and all. And we joked too.. there was a part in the show that he dared joke "you know..men are men." implying the impending infidelity in the show... and then when i mentioned something and rolled my eyes, he went "what? What? Nothing to do with me!".. I then paid no attention further. In one of our convos, he actually mentioned ow's name, as if it's there is nothing, and that she is another friend. I didn't raise my eyebrow, and he continued with whatever he was telling me. I spoke to my mentor, and he said two possibilities - 1 - he is more comfortable to share things with me, or 2 - he wants to test me. Well, either way, I think I bit my tongue at the right time, and he was rather "normal"...