I am glad to today is a better day for you. I think it is pretty common for men to think their W is using sex to keep them around. We know we almost can't resist so we feel a little used. We enjoy ourselves but do feel bad afterwards. I like to feel wanted by my W and not always because I am a good provider, good dad, or her husband but simply because I am a physically attractive man. I think it gets that "lust" thing taken care of. I don't think it always has to be like that but periodically is nice. She bought me some "hip" clothes and new cologne a while back and for two weeks if I simply walked by I got attacked. That is fun, especially when it confirms that she likes the grass on my side of the fence. I do it to her sometimes as well but I try to balance it mith more subtle approaches as well. I think finding the balance of love and lust in any R is key to mutual happiness in your PR. You mentioned that your husband feels like an "item". Sometimes I have felt like a "necessary evil" in my W eyes. She needs me there financially, as the boys father, home repair specialist, auto mechanic, etc. I guess I feel taken for granted. How do you solve that? Start with verbal appreciation, making his favorite dinner, etc. I have to be honest, I get the most crabby when I have worked hard all week then taken care of many "honey do" items only to then be rejected in the bedroom that same night. Hey, if you want me, you get all of me. Don't expect me to stand on my head to take care of your needs if you won't satisfy mine. Like making love is such a "task". Sex is certainly much more enjoyable for you than when I spent 8 hours on a thirty eight foot extension ladder in 90 degree heat to stain the house the color you wanted. I don't want to hear how tired you are when I have moved 5 tons of rock to build the retaining walls and flower beds you wanted. Do you ladies hear what I am saying? No, us men shouldn't expect you to perform when we do what you ask but don't tell us you are too tired when we have done physical labor from sun-up to sundown. I guess this last little rant could have been it's own thread because I can't be the only H who has felt like a necessary evil once in a while.

My W and I send cards periodically (mostly e-cards) and when she was in her MLC they were "blown off" sometimes. I thnk it was evidence that all of my "efforts" were making it harder for her to want to leave. She sent me several and I have always been a romantic so they make me feel pretty good. Most guys don't seem to be like me in that regard. I honestly don't think most men have a very good understanding of what love is. I look at M like if you are happy together, enjoy being with each other, and have passion together that it is good. I don't mean just physical passion, I mean passion for life, your beleifs, your work together, your goals, etc.
I think that "What is love question?" is the source of a lot of M problems.

We do talk a lot more now than we used to. Mainly because the tension is less and we are both trying to grow the R. We are fortunate in that we have always had fun together just doing things that any two people could do. I guess that we are "friends" in that regard. I never showed enough interest in her hobbies and that made her do the same to me but we have since reversed that trend. We both make efforts to appreciate things that the other enjoys and i the process we now enjoy more things together.

I was just thinking that a lot of the things I do are things a "boyfriend" does. That approach has done wonders for my sitch. As soon as I started thinking less like a "husband" and more like a "lover" or "boyfriend" life got easier.

Don't worry about the smoking thing. My W went as far as to hide her purse in the house instead of leaving it in the kitchen. Eventually she slipped up and I found the cigs in her purse and then later in her car. I didn't say a word and wrote it off as part of her "rebellion". Just drop it because it is no big deal. If you leave it alone, it will go away sooner than if you try to force it.

I think that covers what you asked me. Definitely keep acting more like a "girlfriend" or "lover". Also, don't read too much into what he says or does. I have focused on that lately and it has saved me from revealing my insecurity many times. I simply waited to see how something played out and it was nothing like what my over-active mind had first thought.

TBONE

P.S. I pulled a 180 today and stayed in bed with my hurting W (she has a pinched nerve)to massage her back [Wink] , had breakfast with her, and played with the boys a little while before I raced to work. She always complained that I never took time for the little things. Not any more.