Rachel,

I am scared for you and how hurt you are. I hope this puts some perspective on it. It isn't the way it used to be with him and it won't be for a while. He ended a R, feels very guilty, knows how hurt you are, and feels weak for violating the M vows. I am certainly not defending him at all but it will be "different". You are very hurt, unsure of your future, and suffering great emotional distress. You both need a little time to heal.

It sounds like you struggle through every day. Please stop that. Choose to be happy today, tomorrow, and the next day. Enjoy what God has given you today. You woke up with your husband, there are many people who love you, you have this BB to help, and you have a job to go back to when you are ready. Do you know how far ahead of others you are? Miles, many miles. You need to love that man back to you, not resent and question him away from you. I wish I could over ride your mind for a week and show you the results. I am not saying it is easy from where you are at but here is the bottom line. You know what you want and this BB has told you what to do to get there. Focus on what you really want, a great R. Then do what it takes to get there and don't you dare let anything get in your way. Mother have lifted cars off of there trapped children in a car crash so I know you can find the strength to override these emotions that are running your life.

I told you about two weeks ago to love him like he might not be here tomorrow, please do that. Pretend he will be gone(dead) at the end of this week and make the week full of great memories. Then do the same for the end of this month. Yes, it is a stupid little game but you seem to be really hurting and you need something to bust out of it.

I also gave you a quote which I think you forgot. "If you trust too much you could be deceived, but if you trust too little you will be tormented". Please focus on that to pull you out of this torment you are in.

As usual I apoligize for my directness but you have a great position to work from. He is home and trying so you need to capitalize now. Play what ever mind games with yourself that you have to. Post here everyday and I will reply every time to help you out of this. Please stop letting your emotions hurt your chances at success.

He screwed up big time and your pain is justified but if you want it to go away you need to live everyday like it is your last. I am very serious about this. I have read many of your posts and for a long time they are the same. You are in a rut that you need to get out of today! The next time you start slipping, post here, don't ask him for reassurance. As out of control as you feel you still run your own show. Make it one you would be proud of. Remember, he is trying.

Again I apologize fo my directness but I feel very strongly about your sitch. IMO you have a better change at success than most on this board and I also feel like you control your own destiny more than most on this board. Please follow the advice from this BB and not your emotions. It took the advice of another to help get me back on track and I hope I did the same for you.

TBONE

P.S. I want to hear from you tomorrow to find out what you did with your H on his "last day". [Wink]