T-Bone-You sound so much like me when I read your thread that it made me cry. IT's like constantly trying to swim upstream. I have no feeling day to day except anxiety and pain-that is so sad, not to meantion totally draining. I lost me in his A-it threw me into an anxiety/panic mode I can't break and beleive me I am trying. It makes me feel bad about myself that I can't pull mself from out of it. I can't shake the fear or get ahold of what's real. I'm on disability from work because it almost sent me over the edge when I found out he had been having an A for 2 1/2 yrs! What do you do with that? He took repsonsibility for it,said it never should have happened, he won't see her agian, but he acts so different to me. HOw do you live with a person you have no trust for, HeE was faithful for a very long time-25 yrs and then this. The problem is I know how faithful he is to those who he thinks love and support him-he thought those things of her. It hurt him to break it off with her -it hurt him to hurt her because he felt like she had "been there" for him. They were friends before the A for a long time. He let the A happen because he said he felt so alone. It's true-I had my part in pushing him away, my moodiness-I was depressed for a couple of yrs and he flet left out in the cold. Now he is home, but he is not acting like he used to before the A. I don't know wether to beleive he is still having some kind of contact with her or he's just in withdrawal from the feelings of the A. He does tell me he loves me, but he told her too. He told me he loved her in a different kind of way. Not knowing day to day of you can trust your S is a terrible way to live. I'm not proud of myself fro how I've handled all this. I don't bring it up to him much-I do ask for reassuranse sometimes when I just can't stand it anymore and he assures me he is not seeig or talking to her. How do you trust a man that lied for so long and WHAT do you do with all these awful feelings of mistrust? I grieve that we have lost so much in this A. I really am at a loss how to break this cycle I'm in. I want US back and although he says he loves me, it feels not right somehow. Maybe its just the lack of trust. I can forgive him but I need to know if he is really being upfront with me. How would I know? I have let this run my life for 9 months now, and my emotions have been all over the place. Some days I think he is telling the truth and I can trust him and others (like today) I don't see how you have a 2 1/2 yr affair and break it off and never have contact. I feel so incredibly needy, and I hate it! I've been able to pretty much act as if he's telling the truth, but I don't feel it and thats what's eating me inside.I come here to vent so I don;t vent on him. SOme days he's more loving than others,but he's still not to the place where he was before the A. I don't know if it's because its a process he has to go through or becasue he is still having some kind of contact with her. I don't think I could handle anymore lies. I stay away from R talks for the most part, especially when I'm like this. I've learned they do more harm than good and you don't get the reassurance your looking for. Is it because he's guilty of deceibt again or just resisting my neediness? Some people on here are ok with not knowing and just "acting as if". Well, I'm "acting as if", he's telling the truth, but I don't feel it and its eating me up inside. What kind of marriage do you have if you don't have trust?? I'm scared everyday. One, of me saying or doing the wrong thing because of my emotions, and two, because if he's lying to me again I couldn't take it. I want what he can't or won't give me-to hold me and tell me that I have nothing to fear-every so often when I ask for that reassurance-he says he's had no contact with her what so ever and won't. Why does it not ring true? Because of the hurt of the A or tht my gut is telling me that's its not true? How do you begin to know?? Bad, bad, Monday. Rachael M.
