I am struggling with my insecurity and it caused me to have a dream last night related to one of her mystery weekends. I simply asked her to tell me about this "retreat" she went on to give me piece of mind. She wouldn't and that really got to me. I explained that to help me get past this that I need closure. I called her back later and she finally told me and was going to get me the literature and everything. I told her that wasn't necessarry I just wanted her to clear up some of the voids.
I realize that I am a fool for dealing with this but the mystery was eating me alive. It was a self preservation move for me. Of course it will be difficult now but I knew that. She simply can't deal with what she has done and therefore my asking is bad. I don't know why I do it because she is still lying about it. I have really pushed her this time but I needed to do it for me. My bringing up of her mistakes causes her great pain. We all know that she won't ever stop lying as long as it is in her best interest. I just don't know why I can't be stronger so I don't have to ask. I often think that I am trying to accelerate OR to an end if that is where it is headed. I believe that liars are like cheaters in that it is very hard to reform them. I really wish she wasn't that way but that is how God made her. I truly feel as though OR is doomed in the long run because I can't just let things go and the things she does are pretty major in most everyone's eyes. She maintains almost no responsibility for her actions and I can't fix that. She told me today that she doesn't think she has made any mistakes in the past 6 months and you all know what a crock that is. She followed that up in a later conversation that she need to make mistakes to learn from them. This gal is confused.
I blame her parents for the most of her problems. They have never held her accountable and now that is how she lives. I am actually concerned that she may want to move because of the embarassment she has caused us. Hopefully it will be water under the bridge. She has changed some of her behaviors as of late but these skelatons keep rearing their ugly heads and causing me to think "what next".
We are selling the store after the first of the year but I don't know what she will do after that. Hopefully it is a relief and doesn't put her into a depression. I am so tired of being afraid of the future like this.
I am very disapointed in myself for how I have handled this whole thing. Especially when I re-read my posts and see how pathetic they are. Not something I am proud of. I have know realized that I have wasted yet more hours on something that will probably take care of itself if I just leave it alone. God, how I wish this was just a nightmare that I could wake up from.
