Situation stable, minor improvements daily

[Zebra]

I can't remember if you are or ever have been in couples counceling.... Since she seems -- acts as if --- it's working for her, maybe she would be receptive to it.

It seems there are a number of issues you feel strongly about, and she has a different take on. These same issues are the ones that are the most difficult to discuss, because they are the "hot button" issues. A good counselor can work with you both learn how best to communicate these issues and hear what the other is saying without reacting emotionally and aggressively. A good C can provide an atmosphere of safety to both parties, and act as a gentle referree if needed.

What do you think?

z

[tbone]

I would love to see a C jointly but she refuses. This would be admitting to the world that she has faults and her ego couldn't take that. I believe she actually knows her behaviors are wrong but she can't stop them and can stay in denial if she doesn't address them. I am no psycologist but that diagnosis sure seems to fit.

Sorry, but I am still very angry today. Mostly at myself though. I am having a very hard time with acceptance and not getting resentful for her behaviors. I could accept the hurtful things she has done if she completely stopped the deception. I know it doesn't work like that though. About monthly I restate my position and feelings because it builds up in me. Hopefully someday she cares enough to consider my strong feelings. I know our success is up to my acceptance of who she is and that is my biggest struggle right now. I want to succeed but I am also feeling more deeply the pain she caused me and getting tired of her lies. It is a little bit of desperation that is making me try to shorten the "long, hard" road by trying to "show her the way".

Her actions for the most part are in a very positive direction and I need to find a way to let go of my controlling nature. I have been this way for almost 32 years so it will definitely be a challenge.

[tbone]

Yes, I am still struggling and I want to do all the wrong things like snoop, OR talk, ultimatums, etc. I can't get comfortable with myself. The trust is so hard to get back. I got two e-cards yesterday but who else did she send them to. I can't ask that or anything else that I want to because it would just reveal my insecurity and make me less desireable. I wish I could just rise above all of these feelings I have and I could if I felt loved. It is making me hurt big time. Yes, the R itself is positive but I don't feel like its love or much of a M.

This is one long road that I really don't like but it is what I have to work with. I would give almost anything if she could be honest with me every time and every day. I read other treads and realize she isn't the only liar out there what really bothers me is that she acts just like the long time adulterers. I will keep doing what I can and maybe someday I will feel good about her and OR again.

TBONE

[tbone]

This is pretty much a bump but I do have a few more thoughts as this week comes to an end. I am to the point that I wonder why I even do this any more. All I do is validate my feelings and vent which simply perpetuates the problem. I use this BB as a crutch for my anxiety. Hanging out on this board lets me feel like I am "doing something". In reality I need to spend more time away from this BB or learn how to use the BB more productively. Like right now I came here while I wait for my W to return my phone call. My feelings toward her are detiorating so I need to do something differently. She still consumes more of my life than is healthy.

This is a great place, but I need to change my behavior and quickly. Most of your sitch's are far worse than mine and I truly respect your strength for staying. I will be back when I am more healthy and can actually help more. Anger and intolerance are ruling my thought pattern now and may have led me to give you some bad advice. Our anniversary is 4 weeks away and if the news is going to be good I have some more work to do.

TBONE

[KAW]

Tbone,
This is the first you have mentioned about receiving e-cards from your W. Has she sent these to you before or is this something she has started to do recently? If this is new, then I would interpret that she is replacing her "e-friends" with YOU. One thing is for sure, she is certainly thinking about you now when you are not together. This is positive! Try not interpret anything more into her action than that. Your speculations are introducing the negative vibes.

Each time you post, I see signs that her interest in you is being rekindled.

'til later,
KAW

[tbone]

I am struggling with my insecurity and it caused me to have a dream last night related to one of her mystery weekends. I simply asked her to tell me about this "retreat" she went on to give me piece of mind. She wouldn't and that really got to me. I explained that to help me get past this that I need closure. I called her back later and she finally told me and was going to get me the literature and everything. I told her that wasn't necessarry I just wanted her to clear up some of the voids.

I realize that I am a fool for dealing with this but the mystery was eating me alive. It was a self preservation move for me. Of course it will be difficult now but I knew that. She simply can't deal with what she has done and therefore my asking is bad. I don't know why I do it because she is still lying about it. I have really pushed her this time but I needed to do it for me. My bringing up of her mistakes causes her great pain. We all know that she won't ever stop lying as long as it is in her best interest. I just don't know why I can't be stronger so I don't have to ask. I often think that I am trying to accelerate OR to an end if that is where it is headed. I believe that liars are like cheaters in that it is very hard to reform them. I really wish she wasn't that way but that is how God made her. I truly feel as though OR is doomed in the long run because I can't just let things go and the things she does are pretty major in most everyone's eyes. She maintains almost no responsibility for her actions and I can't fix that. She told me today that she doesn't think she has made any mistakes in the past 6 months and you all know what a crock that is. She followed that up in a later conversation that she need to make mistakes to learn from them. This gal is confused.

I blame her parents for the most of her problems. They have never held her accountable and now that is how she lives. I am actually concerned that she may want to move because of the embarassment she has caused us. Hopefully it will be water under the bridge. She has changed some of her behaviors as of late but these skelatons keep rearing their ugly heads and causing me to think "what next".

We are selling the store after the first of the year but I don't know what she will do after that. Hopefully it is a relief and doesn't put her into a depression. I am so tired of being afraid of the future like this.

I am very disapointed in myself for how I have handled this whole thing. Especially when I re-read my posts and see how pathetic they are. Not something I am proud of. I have know realized that I have wasted yet more hours on something that will probably take care of itself if I just leave it alone. God, how I wish this was just a nightmare that I could wake up from.

TBONE

[joethomas]

Tbone, I can relate to your feelings. Let me tell you this. When I read your posts I can see how much youve accomplished within yourself. You've made huge strides in....... I dont know, what do we call this? Life? Whatever you want to call this, your journey has built some pretty good doses of wisdom. Its a shame that wisdom comes with such a price, but it does.

Grant yourself some relief in knowing what great things you are doing. Its hard to do standing in our own shoes. If you could stand back and take an objective look at yourself, you'd be impressed. Keep it up man. Many people would have given up long ago, not you.

Joe

[KAW]

Tbone,
So you cann't walk on water!...welcome to the club called the human race... No need to beat yourself up over this. Let it go. You will stumble now and again...but you know it doesn't work, so now its time to concentrate on not making a pattern out of it.

From your last post it is pretty plain your W is still working thru her issues. Lots of waffling about her mistakes. She continues to work through them, but at her pace ... not yours. Hang in there. If you are willing to see this through based on her timeframe, I'm willing to make a wager on ya!

'til later,
KAW

[tbone]

Thanks for the boost guys but I have tears as I write this becuase I am so drained. I have spent so much time and energy on this that I feel emotionally spent. I am out of control and I am scareing myself because I can't stop myself from doing the things that I know don't work. The reason I can't stop myself is that I am not strong enough to be patient. I need it fixed now because I can't stop obsessing about it. The beast is running my life and I can't overcome it. Yes, I hear a lot of can'ts in the last sentences too but I don't know what to do about it. Maybe my harassing of her today will cause her to distance from me which may be what I need. I really don't know. I stopped to see if she wanted me to get her some lunch and she was very cold. Duh, I knew that would happen but then I actually let it bother me.

What the hell do I do now? My reaction is to be by her to try to patch us up but I know that is wrong. Again, I want the quick fix. I made all very solid points in our talk but she just accuses me of rehashing. A good friend told me that my controlling is her big problem with me but her deceitful behavior has only heightened my control when I need to relinquish some for the sake of the R. Really, what do I do today to not lose the ground I have made?

TBONE

[tbone]

EDIT

I just realized it has been a week that I have been on this slide. It only goes well at my house when I ignore the past and work on me. I have spent the whole last week trying to fix her. Now it is time to quit controlling her and hope the slide doesn't cause her to do the same. I just couldn't deal with that.