Well, H came home a little early yesterday and asked if it was okay for him to go for a ride on his Harley. I said, of course, I still had some things to finish up in my office.
I went upstairs a short time later and he was just laying on the bed staring at the ceiling. I asked him if everything was okay. (I had this sick feeling that he had something he wanted to tell me.) He said yes, everything was fine except he was tired and was having stomach problems. Then he asked why I'd asked him that.
I said, "cuz you look a little..."
He said, "I look a little what? Tired? Because that's all it is -- I'm just exhausted."
I laughed and said, "Yeah, that's exactly what I meant. You look a little tired -- a little tired of me asking if everything was okay."
It was his turn to laugh. Then he said, "There's nothing to tell -- honestly."
So, we both kinda danced around the subject of contact with the OW, but at least we had a little fun with it.
We did end up getting pizza and seeing a movie last night. We decided we wanted total escape and laughter, so we went to see the Austin Power's movie. It was great to just laugh and be so totally relaxed for a while.
It's been kind of interesting lately. The more I keep my mouth shut, the more my hubby starts to talk. Seems like almost every night lately when we go to bed he'll bring up something that's on his mind. Most of the time he just wants to talk. He doesn't really want answers from me. He just wants me to listen.
Last night he was telling me that he's always thought of himself as being the kind of person who could let things go -- anger, resentment, etc -- and that it was truly gone. Now, he feels that he has some anger and resentment towards me because in the past when we would have an arguement he would always be the one to appologize -- even if he felt he wasn't wrong. Now, looking back it makes him feel like a pansy ( he said pussy -- hate that word!!). He also felt that was the way I viewed him -- as being a weak pansy. He is very wrong about that, but I won't try to convince him of that now.
Anyway, it always kind of scares me when he starts talking like that. But I do know that this is all very good in so many ways. We are finally really getting emotionally intimate with each other. I can finally tell him all the things I've kept inside for so long, and he can do the same with me. He's finally realizing that he's safe with me. I am not going to run from him. He can tell me all his hurts and pain and I will stand beside him and help him heal.
I'm beginning to trust that I can be emotionally safe with him again also. Although, I need to know that he is totally free of any feelings for the EA before I will feel totally safe with him again. But, I think that is happening. I think that as each day goes by without any contact with her he is seeing it for what it was. She was safe. She was unattainable. She lives 2000 miles away. He was able to have his emotional needs met without having to compromise himself anymore by being involved physically.
So, how do I know his so-called "feelings" for this OW are deminishing? Well, first, he told me that they were. Second, that "feeling" that I've spoken of before -- intuition tells me. The way he interacts with me now -- he's really "with" me.
Are things totally blissful? No, not by a long shot. There is so much work to be done -- on both are parts. H still has so much he has to go through before he can truly forgive himself and start letting himself be happy. I still have to work on forgiving him and letting go of my anger.
The really, really good thing is, is that now we seem to BOTH want the same thing at the same time. We both want to heal ourselves and each other and live happy, joyful lives TOGETHER.
