Is it love or is it guilt?

[healedbutscarred]

MATTIE!!
ENJOY ALL THE ILY'S & EVERYTHING!!!!!
YOU DESERVE ALL THE LOVE & HAPPINESS!!!!!
I am sitting here smiling as I type this..am sooo happy for you!!!!
PAT

[lily]

[matilda]

Well, H came home a little early yesterday and asked if it was okay for him to go for a ride on his Harley. I said, of course, I still had some things to finish up in my office.

I went upstairs a short time later and he was just laying on the bed staring at the ceiling. I asked him if everything was okay. (I had this sick feeling that he had something he wanted to tell me.) He said yes, everything was fine except he was tired and was having stomach problems. Then he asked why I'd asked him that.

I said, "cuz you look a little..."

He said, "I look a little what? Tired? Because that's all it is -- I'm just exhausted."

I laughed and said, "Yeah, that's exactly what I meant. You look a little tired -- a little tired of me asking if everything was okay."

It was his turn to laugh. Then he said, "There's nothing to tell -- honestly."

So, we both kinda danced around the subject of contact with the OW, but at least we had a little fun with it.

We did end up getting pizza and seeing a movie last night. We decided we wanted total escape and laughter, so we went to see the Austin Power's movie. It was great to just laugh and be so totally relaxed for a while.

It's been kind of interesting lately. The more I keep my mouth shut, the more my hubby starts to talk. Seems like almost every night lately when we go to bed he'll bring up something that's on his mind. Most of the time he just wants to talk. He doesn't really want answers from me. He just wants me to listen.

Last night he was telling me that he's always thought of himself as being the kind of person who could let things go -- anger, resentment, etc -- and that it was truly gone. Now, he feels that he has some anger and resentment towards me because in the past when we would have an arguement he would always be the one to appologize -- even if he felt he wasn't wrong. Now, looking back it makes him feel like a pansy ( he said pussy -- hate that word!!). He also felt that was the way I viewed him -- as being a weak pansy. He is very wrong about that, but I won't try to convince him of that now.

Anyway, it always kind of scares me when he starts talking like that. But I do know that this is all very good in so many ways. We are finally really getting emotionally intimate with each other. I can finally tell him all the things I've kept inside for so long, and he can do the same with me. He's finally realizing that he's safe with me. I am not going to run from him. He can tell me all his hurts and pain and I will stand beside him and help him heal.

I'm beginning to trust that I can be emotionally safe with him again also. Although, I need to know that he is totally free of any feelings for the EA before I will feel totally safe with him again. But, I think that is happening. I think that as each day goes by without any contact with her he is seeing it for what it was. She was safe. She was unattainable. She lives 2000 miles away. He was able to have his emotional needs met without having to compromise himself anymore by being involved physically.

So, how do I know his so-called "feelings" for this OW are deminishing? Well, first, he told me that they were. Second, that "feeling" that I've spoken of before -- intuition tells me. The way he interacts with me now -- he's really "with" me.

Are things totally blissful? No, not by a long shot. There is so much work to be done -- on both are parts. H still has so much he has to go through before he can truly forgive himself and start letting himself be happy. I still have to work on forgiving him and letting go of my anger.

The really, really good thing is, is that now we seem to BOTH want the same thing at the same time. We both want to heal ourselves and each other and live happy, joyful lives TOGETHER.

Please pray for our continued progress.

Mattie

[lily]

[healedbutscarred]

MATTIE...I have discovered over this past year that sometimes it is better to go with your "feelings". It's kind of hard to explain to people. When someone asks "how can you trust him?" How do you know he is being truthful this time",I'd have to say "I JUST FEEL IT IN MY HEART!" I remember the things you talked about in earlier posts. I know you had certain feelings about things and they proved to be right. So now you feel that he is finally "getting it" and he is finally "really with you"...GO WITH IT!!!! He is really showing you that he is serious this time about really getting the help needed. You know that there are still going to be times when he is going to "get down" and he is going to feel tired and even stressed out. Even though he has brought all this on himself it is still hard for him to deal with by himself. You are showing him that you are beside him all the way,you have shown him the strength and resiliency of your love for him. Yes,you still have some issues you need to deal with and I know that you have at times had to put that on "hold" in order to deal with your H's troubles. I think inreality you have done everything you can for your H..the rest he has to do for himself. All you can do is continue to love him, assure him that you are there for him and allow him to talk things out with you when he needs to. You are doing a tremendous job of being there and really listening to him. But on the other side of the coin...he needs to assure you that HE is there for YOU!! He needs to really LISTEN to you when you feel the need to talk about ANYTHING!! Yes,you both have work ahead but I believe with my whole heart that you 2 are MEANT TO BE and you WILL MAKE IT!! It will take time and you may have times when you are bone tired and may even want to throw up your hands and quit,but keep your eye on the PRIZE that will be there at the end of your struggles...A HAPPY,LOVING LIFE TOGETHER!!!!
I will keep those prayers going up!! PAT

[sharlis_gone]

ME 2;
I've tried for the past 11 months to get over the words you said to me on harlequin's thread of
nov 20, 2001...but the hurt just won't go away.
Considering we didn't know each other, how could you define me like you did? I was new
then...I'm not so new anymore. your words were unnecessarily hurtful, and mostly untrue. For a seasoned poster, i would have expected more finesse. Of all that answered me, only you were 'unkind', to say the least.

I can still cry over your words, and I'm tired of it.
So...I'm giving your words back to you, to do
whatever you want with them. They're no longer
mine!

posted October 20, 2001 01:41 PM

quote: Originally posted by Me2:
Sharli- I never said you didn't have the right to tell me to mind my own business...in fact I think I said go ahead (the whole thick skin reference). L
Dear Me2
I'm the one who should mind their own business! I'm not thick skinned...sometimes I have no skin at all...so, I've been too willing to accept anybody else's assessment of me. I thought I was getting better...but if I were, I could accept Cathy's words about not internalizing what everyone says to me. Instead I obsessively keep reading this thread over and over again! . You said:
"You are like a rabbid dog with a bone. You are making an ass of yourself. Complete and total ass. You come off as a shrew, full of hatred and contempt for anyone who sees things differently than you do. You are offensive and caustic. Over and over again I have seen hateful people come here and be treated with respect and kindness ......I've seen some folks finally get it but every once in a while there are those like sharli. Yes, the word "sicko" is abusive when used to describe one that is suffering from a psychological disorder. It is also abusive when the person it's directed towards takes it as such. It just seems to me, and a lot of others, that your opinion is always rife with sarcasm, bitterness and open hostility. I think MaryC2 did a very good job of trying to help you-and you in turn were terse, nasty and sarcastic in your reply. She was only trying to help. you antagonize pretty much everyone and open yourself up time after time by your cynicism and anger. And true to your nature Sharli-you blasted her by saying 'ewww, now I don't like you anymore'. Wow. Very mature. She sure hit in on the mark when she said you attack and hold anyone in contempt that doesn't buy your BS."

You're right about one thing...I can't forget the
hurts that were never apologized for!

[sharlis_gone]

i'm sorry...I posted the above in the wrong place.