My dear friends, thank you all for your support and kind words.
Pat, my kids actually think their mom is "awesome." They are the ones that asked me to give dad another chance. However, they told me they would understand if I felt I couldn't and that they would support me in whatever decision I made. They are truely the awesome ones. For being 16 and 17, they weren't thinking about themselves for a change. They wanted their mom to be happy. Great, great kids!!
Rachael, I think it's terrific that you're going back to school. What a great way to keep focused on yourself and moving forward. Don't fret about the A anymore. Trust has to start somewhere, and it starts with you. Realize that you cannot control your H's actions. If he decided to go back to the OW there is little you can do about it. Stop making yourself crazy. Focus on making yourself so darned attractive and appealing (not just physically) that he won't be ABLE to think of anyone but you. Have fun with him -- make him laugh.
Last night's C session went well for H. He liked the C and made another appt for next week. Actually, last night was more of a fact-gathering meeting. Hopefully, the real work begins next week.
The C did ask my H if he thought he was depressed. H said he didn't think so (interesting! He told me a couple of days ago he did think he might be depressed). The C said, "Well, you're not a happy person." So, the C asked questions and then told my H that he fit ALL the criteria for depression (wow, stop the presses, folks!!). Next week they will delve into that more to try and ascertain if H needs meds. The C said somewhere down the road we will need marriage counselling (gee, you mean 9 months wasn't enough?), but that H needs individual therapy for the time being.
So, it has begun! People will think I'm nuts to say this, but I'm proud of my H. This was a huge step for him.
I have already noticed a big difference in my H since he made the "decision" to love me and be totally committed to our M 3 weeks ago. He certainly is not a happy man -- gotta work through his issues before happiness can be achieved -- but, I feel we're much more connected than before. He is "present" with me. I'm not really sure how to explain it, but there is almost a sense of relief coming from him. And when he says ILY it's with a warmth and sincerity that is hard to mistrust.
Many people would wonder how I could trust my H when he said ILY. The only thing I can say is it is a "feeling" I get -- an intuition. Those of you who have been with me for a while know that I've felt for a long time that something wasn't right in my situation. I kept "waiting for the other shoe to drop." I felt my H just wasn't doing the things he should be doing if he were truely wanting to piece our M back together. These were all feelings -- intuition. I was right. I think I'm right in my assessment now, too. Time will tell.
