I do not fret over this EA as much as I did over the PA, certainly. Although, knowing that they talked of a future together is very disturbing to me. Yes, I know it was all fantasy, but it still hurts to think of your spouse talking that way with another person.
Last night we had a family meeting. H wanted the kids to know he had kept his promise to see a counselor. He also gave them the opportunity to ask any questions that they might still have. #1 son was out of town when we "reconciled" and had plenty to ask his father. #2 son really just wants to forget it all happened and continue to believe ours is the "perfect" family.
H answered his sons' questions as best he could at the time. He also had so sit and listen to them tell him that they'd lost respect for him and would never think of him in the same way. They did tell him they loved him, but the disappointment was so excruicatingly evident it even made me wince. I felt a bit of hatred for my H at that point -- I'd hate anyone who would hurt my children so. I also felt compassion for him. What a painful thing to have to hear from one's children.
I told the kids that the OW had called their father at work the other day and that dad had told me about it and what the conversation consisted of. I wanted them to know that he was keeping his promise to me/us about that. That made them very happy. They do not trust him at all at this point.
They asked to be kept "in the loop" regarding OR and how it relates to the family (them). They also asked to know how things progressed in counselling. They were told it may take a long time. They understood that and are willing to wait for their "real" dad to surface again.
So, tonight my H begins his journey -- finally. He was nervous before leaving for the C session, but I think also a little excited to get started. He really, really wants help in dealing with all this.
Rachael,
I have been reading your posts on different threads regarding your anger and anxiety. All perfectly normal. Yes, it certainly seems unfair that those of us who have been betrayed seem to be left with doing all the work in picking up the pieces of OR; but, in fact, are we not the stronger ones in our prespective R's? After all, it is a weak person who commits adultry.
I'm sure you're thinking you're not very strong right now. Boy, do I know that feeling. But, take it from me and everyone else on this board, you ARE the strong one. You are here fighting for your M in the face of extreme adversity. That takes immense strength and fortitude. You were given this assignment for a reason. YOU are the one with moral character and strength. You are the one who must help you H regain his character and strength.
Anger? By all means. You have every right and reason to be furious -- and you must let that anger out and then let it go. I promise you that if you don't you will only be hurting yourself. I was in such pain for so long that I couldn't even find my anger. With the recent discovery of my H's final betrayal, I found that anger. It is a good thing. I really needed to find it and feel it and then try to release it. I know if I had not that sometime in the future it would have surfaced and destroyed me.
I go from periods of feeling very optimistic to feeling great anger to feeling apathy. Apathy was what I was feeling this past weekend. At times I felt I really didn't give a rat's ass about my M or my H. That feeling has passed. I'm getting my PMA back on tract. However, I fully expect to run the whole gammit of feelings again, 'round and 'round we go, before this saga is finally over.
I want to give you a bit of advice that has greatly helped me. You need to find the strength within yourself to be able to let your H go. Not figuratively -- at least not right now. But you need to have the courage to be able to say to yourself, "whatever happens happens. I will be okay." Become your own person. Don't be afraid of losing your H. Your happiness does not depend on him.
Rachael, go back to work. You need to stop putting so much energy into this. I feel you are pushing your H away from you. You're coming off as desparate and clingy -- very unattractive qualities. Let your H think he's not the key to your happiness. That's way too much pressure for anyone to bear. Let him know you have a life beyond him and that if he should choose to be with the OW that you will be okay -- because you will Rachael, you will.
